What Are Toxic Parents And How To Deal With Them
There are many factors in life that can be detrimental to the mental and emotional health of an individual, but we are taught that our parents should always be our foundation through thick and thin. In a world new to you, parents are supposed to be your rock, your origin and example of love, care, and support. Yes, parents were created to drive us crazy. I cannot stress this enough. They never stop being that mom that makes sure you packed extra briefs, or that dad that wants you to call them when you make it home, even when you’re 30 years old. It’s in their DNA. But what about the parents that are more than just mildly irritating? The parents that are emotionally or mentally immature, unstable, narcissistic, over-bearing, manipulative, and abusive?
Toxic parents aren’t uncommon, but speaking out on it is. It’s taboo. The advice to the children affected are along the lines of grin and bear it, even if it is the demise of our balanced, mental state. It’s difficult to even consider releasing a parent without the child becoming the villain, even in extreme cases. We overlook the pain, “forget” about it, and unconsciously let our unresolved childhood guide our experiences for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately, I see cases like this often. At the end of the day, toxic is toxic. There is no difference in drinking a cup of cyanide from a stranger or from your mother. You will die just the same. Toxic parents have an extensive arsenal of weapons, but they all boil down to neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse to meet their needs. Some parents are blatant with it. Some parents are so subtle it is reminiscent to a drop in a bucket, and you won’t even realize how quickly it added up until it’s too late. Let’s be clear, though. Both cases are destructive.
How To Know Your Parent Is Toxic (Few Examples):
- They Need You To Take Care Of Them, And Will Make You Feel Guilty If You Don’t. Think the mom who won’t let her son go and he has his own wife and kids now, or the dad that won’t let you move too far from him because he MIGHT need you for something.
- Their Feelings Come Before Yours. They are quick to put you down in an argument, dominate a conversation, and they adamantly refuse to see your perspective.
- They Focus More On You Keeping Family Business “Private”. They would rather no one know about the problem instead of dealing with the problem. Just sweep it under the rug.
- They Use Money Or Guilt As Leverage To Control You. “I changed your diapers, and you can’t do one thing for me?” “If I’m paying for your college education I choose your college and major” “I spent so much money on you, and never asked you for a dime back!” Parents should be doing what they do because they love you, and decided to have you. That should never be brought back up in a conversation to hold over your head. Ever.
- They Refuse To Let You Grow Up. They are involved in every decision in your adult life and will not let you rest until you do it their way. They expect the same control over you as they had when you were a child.
- Boundaries Don’t Exist To Them. It could be something as big as using you as their emotional dump, or them blaming you for their actions, or something as small as coming over whenever, expecting a key to your place, and calling regardless of your work or sleep schedule. Whenever you try to assert your bondaries you are confronted with rage, guilt tripping, denial, etc.
- They Undermine You, Take Small Digs At You, Or See You As Competition. Whether it be how you look, or them telling an embarrassing story about you in public after you repeatedly requested them not to, your academics, they always tend to blast your weaknesses through “jokes”. Regardless of what they tell you, your sense of humor really isn’t shitty, it’s them.
- They Are Passive-Agressive. No need to explain further.
- You Are Still Afraid Of Upsetting Them, Living Your Life, And Doing What Is Best For You. You still live to please them.
- You Feel Completely Drained After Interacting With Them. You would rather work the double shift after being up since 4am, because you know you’d feel more accomplished and less tired than if you were to answer that phone call.
- Your Relationship With Your Parent Doesn’t Feel Like A Safe Space. You’re always on guard. You can’t be vulnerable around them, or tell them your innermost thoughts. You have a brick wall between you and them, with a mote, 12 drones, barbed wire, and two tanks.
- Your Relationship With Your Parents Feel Like A Burden, Or An Obligation. I mean they ARE your parents, so whether you like them or not, they are all you have.
So, you just realized your parent is toxic… Read on.
How To Deal With Toxic Parents:
- Understand Your Parent Is Human, And Hurting. Our parents are flesh and blood human beings. They feel, and they too have had damaging experiences which has influenced who they are today. Chances are, they most likely did not have the best experiences with their parents, either. It could be generational. Know that how they treat and interact with you has nothing to do with you. Their character flaws, and their demons having nothing to do with you. How they treat you is just a stray bullet from their internal warfare.
- You Do Not Have To Deal. It is okay to walk away. It is okay to let go. Just because you know a dog is hurt doesn’t mean you keep getting bit by it. You move back and allow a professional to intervene. Hurting people hurt people, and they can’t help it. You can only put out what is inside you. But you don’t have to be their punching bag in the mean time.
- Don’t Be Hard On Yourself If You Choose To Deal. No one wants to give up on their parents. No one. So if you choose to still fight the good fight, don’t beat yourself up about it. If you happen to get hurt again, forgive yourself.
- You Are Not Responsible. You cannot make people feel what they do not want to feel. If you can make someone feel a certain way, it is because they already resonated with it. What someone feels is their responsibility. If anyone makes you feel like you are responsible for their feelings, or they are responsible for yours, this begins to cross over into co-depedency, and crossing boundaries is not love, it’s possessive and it’s defective. You are your own being that picks, and chooses your stresses, happiness, and which experiences influence you. They have the same opportunities. If a parent tries to make you responsible for who they are and what they do, do not accept that energy. Respectfully assert yourself as an individual and let them know you are now placing a boundary between you and them. Their energy was never your responsibility.
- Recognize The Cycle And It’s Triggers. I’ve always had a rocky relationship with one of my parents, but spent most of my life giving out chance after chance after chance. Not because I believed things would be different, but because I wanted it to. I had the hope of a million women. It went from the parent making a huge mistake, not accepting responsibility, defamation of character because I didn’t agree or like what they did, intimidation via “I am the parent and you will respect me” and sometimes leading to physical confrontation, manipulation, explosive tantrums because none of it worked, walking out of my life, the “I’m only human” narrative a day later (more manipulation), and me letting them back in my life again. It was a pattern. A pattern of abuse with the threat of abandonment and neglect, and I fell for it until I recognized the pattern. I recognized being rejected and misunderstood were my triggers. Most importantly, I understood their triggers. This is extremely important dealing with toxic parents as manipulation & guilt is usually the weapon of choice.
- Weigh Your Options. “Am I willing to sacrifice my own health and happiness for my toxic parent?” “Am I willing to sacrifice my relationship with my partner for my toxic parent?” “Am I willing to sacrifice my job, income or my finances for my toxic parent?” “Am I willing to give up my dreams, my needs and my career for my toxic parent?” Ask yourself questions. Know what you’re getting into.
- Remain Respectful. Arguing and being disrespectful is a direst result of reacting. It isn’t worth it, and the moment you react this way, you are now officially sucked back in the cycle like they wanted. Respond respectfully and then disengage. This may not help the relationship between you and your parent, but I can promise you this, you will leave with a peace of mind and a helluva lot more energy that you would’ve wasted yelling at a brick wall. Remember, respond. Don’t react.
- Create a Parent-Coping Journal, Talk To Someone, Create a Safe Space. This is for people who still live at home, but this can definitely be useful to anyone. Journal your encounters with your parents: how did you feel? Could you have handled your interaction with them any better? Talk to someone, whether it be friends, family or a counselor. You might not be able to change your environment right away, but if you can change your perspective, it works just as well. What you don’t want to happen is you spend the rest of your life with unresolved issues, self-sabotage, and eventually having kids who you end up being toxic to. Most importantly, create a safe space for yourself. Whether physical or in your mind, know that you have a space you can run to that no one can penetrate without your permission.
Your parent(s) may not cooperate. This is fine. It will be painful and hard for them to accept that you are refusing to not be their target after so many years of blind obedience. Once again, and I cannot stress this enough, you are not responsible for them. You can only do what is best for you. This is about you, your growth, and your boundaries. It is not about getting them to see their destructive ways. You are all you need. I hope this helps. I love you.
