Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Today you'll finally have the energy and courage to do something about that giant cartoon bomb you've been meaning to deal with.

Taurus: Room for improvement does not mean a lack. Things can be going swimmingly and still have the potential to go swimminglyer.

Gemini: Be open to challenges today. If someone wants to fight, be ready to throw tf down. Even getting clocked is a learning experience.

Cancer: Most things are luck, but persistence and wit can help even the odds.

Leo: Time to get huge. Increase your power. Generate force. Crush, stomp, smash. The stars say it is time to slam.

Virgo: Discover what's really important to you by checking the user manual inscribed in tiny text on your scalp.

Libra: Your kind and caring nature may come back to bite you when you nurse an evil bird back to health and it bites you.

Scorpio: Your hidden abilities will finally be revealed! Through hard work and careful attention you to can activate your Forearm Blaster.

Ophiuchus: Your natural curiosity will lead to some trouble when you discover that cocoa powder is actually bad but asphyxiating on cocoa powder is even worse.

Sagittarius: A portal to hell will open up down the street from your house but it'll be fine so don't worry.

Capricorn: Your romantic soul and poor eyesight will get you into trouble when you end up dating an alligator again. This is because you are cursed.

Aquarius: You are a social creature but so are wolves and they could beat you in a fight. Whatcha gonna do about that huh?

Pisces: The world is full of moral grey areas but your "Child Eradicating Death Beam" is firmly outside of all of them.