my name is christine and i work with children with autism

i the first time i hurt a child my boss tells me i am good at my job the second time i hurt a child my boss tells me i am good at my job the third time i hurt a child my boss tells me i am good at my job i like my job i am good at my job positive reinforcement ii my boyfriend hates picking me up after work he says its the sterile environment schools shouldn’t look like a hospital, he says i feel exhausted as i reflect on the sterile, clinical building then i  remember that this isn’t a school this is a treatment center iii i’m so sorry but that is not earning your token stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down stand up sit down iv he asks me if i’ll do the horsie song i’m sitting in the shade and he plummets into my lap before i can respond it is a rare treat for him to speak i can’t help but indulge him, so i sing "this is how the ladies ride, up and down, side by side this is how the horsies go, yippity yi, yippity yo!” he laughs and thanks me before bolting back to the playground v i lose count of how many times i hurt children i don’t know if its the hundreth or thousanth or millionth time i hurt a child i’m holding a spray bottle of vinegar he spits it out after the third time sobbing, he tells me that he hates his life and wants to die six years old the kid sitting next to him cannot speak, and instead starts wailing i’m a bad person, i think i hesitate my boss tells me that i am not doing my job i go home and cry the next day i don’t hesitate positive punishment vi my boss calls all the classroom staff in for a meeting she tells us that we need to stop being so affectionate with the children it is unprofessional and inappropriate, she insists she warns us that we will be put on corrective action for any future offenses a week later he asks me if i will sing the horsie song so i sing him the horsie song after our sessions are over, my boss calls me into her office i am put on corrective action but that’s how you do the horsie song, i argue i warned you, she reminds me vii i am told there will be a few positions open for full time i am encouraged to apply i begin filling out the application i think about the pay raise i think about having my own classroom i think about training new staff i think about what we do i turn off the computer before i finish the application i leave the center and never come back viii my new job is much better but the center is still open less than five minutes away from my apartment hundreds of children still spend their days there stand up sit down no longer seeing it doesn’t make it any less of a material reality

stand up…