A concept: Steve is seriously getting concerned by how often Tony and Peter ask him to just…. chuck them as hard as he can. At first it was funny! He enjoyed it! And Tony and Peter clearly enjoy it still as well!

The problem is that now he throws them as hard as he can in public and the press are foaming at the mouth about it.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says sincerely when Peter makes grabby hands at him next. “Pepper has banned me from throwing people unless it’s in the context of battle.”

“Aw,” Peter complains immediately, sagging. “Can’t you just say you thought you saw a kidnapper or something?”

“Peter, I fear Pepper so much,” Steve answers, which is really all he needs to.

“IT’S MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO BE YEETED BY AN AMERICAN ICON!!” Tony bellows when Peter sullenly tells him the news. “I’m an adult she can’t stop me. How is this worse than anything else I’ve done. Steve, if you don’t throw me at Thor, I’m never kissing you again.”

Steve is picking him up before the threat really even registers. “Okay.”

“That’s not fair! I wanna get yeeted!!!” Peter whines.

“Steve, it’s important to Peter’s growth as a human to yeet him,” Tony informs Steve, before letting out a whoop as Steve chucks him a hundred feet into Thor’s waiting arms.

Steve takes in Peter’s puppy eyes and scowls. “I’m not an idiot, Peter.”

“Aw,” Peter complains again.

“No, Tony’s actually right. It’s good for kids’ brain development to throw them,” Bruce explains.

Steve and Peter stare at him for a long moment before Peter whips back to him, smiling widely. “Yeah, it’s good for my brain development! You don’t want to be the reason I’m stupid, do you, Captain?”

Steve states at Bruce, but Bruce has no poker face whatsoever when it comes to this stuff, so he realizes with horror that Bruce is telling the truth. “…Okay,” he says weakly, finally giving into Peter’s impatient grabby hands.

“Of course, that’s mostly for toddlers,” Bruce adds, mostly to himself, just as Steve lets go of Peter and he’s airborne. “A gentle toss to help them learn equilibrium.”

Steve screams in horror because he can’t explain this to Pepper. She’d never believe he was that much of an idiot.

(Pepper leaves him alone just this once because Steve’s horrified scream is all over the internet and when she went to go scold him, she found him face-down on the floor as literally every other Avenger played the clip on their phones to listen to his scream endlessly. She figures nothing she can say is worse than that.)

Pesto Or PestNO

Disclaimer: I don’t own Marvel, the Marvel Cinematic Universe or the sauce aisle.

This one is for @codeflaws and @reioka. I wrote this instead of sleeping and it’s all your fault for talking about pesto. (Puns are my weakness.)

Inspired by this post :

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“How can you think pesto is disgusting? It’s the greatest sauce known to humankind! Easily one of the top three inventions in history, and I’m including my own inventions in that.”

“More like pest-NO. It’s oily leaf mush! What’s wrong with tomato sauce?”

“The bought kind is always sour as shit.”

“That’s… not true.”

Tony shot Steve a vaguely pitying look.

“You’ve never actually eaten pre-made tomato sauce, have you?”

“I—”

“Tony, Steve, we’ve been in the sauce aisle for an hour. Can we please just take both sauces and go home?”

Steve and Tony looked at each other, then at Bruce.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

“Sounds fair. But I’m not carrying Tony’s leaf mush.”

“Children. You’re both children.”

“Yeah, but children who are rocking this team-building exercise.”

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“What the hell is this!? This isn’t pesto, this is a disgrace! Gahg! Is the supermarket food trying to kill me?!”

Bruce shot Tony a Look over his glasses.

“Well it probably tastes different from the one your cook makes because it’s from a supermarket.”

“That cannot be the only reason! It tastes like… oily leaf mush!”

Bruce closed his book with a sigh.

“Okay. Just so you’ll quit whining. I’ll try it. So you can rest in peace knowing the supermarket food is not trying to kill you. Only the supervillains are. ”

Bruce fetched a fork from the cutlery drawer, then twirled up a few spaghetti.

“My hero. But seriously. It tastes like shit.”

“Hm-hm.”

Bruce swallowed and then immediately made an “Aha!” face.

“Oh, that’s it. No, Tony, it tastes fine. The problem is that what you’re used to is ‘pesto alla genovese’. That’s made with pine nuts and cheese. What they sell as ‘pesto’ in most supermarkets is just basil leaves, oil and garlic.”

“Oh. That… makes a surprising amount of sense. I didn’t actually read the label, I mean who does that? But I think I need to apologise to Steve. And to find other food. Yuck.”

“Well, you can probably wait for Steve to apologise first. Apparently he bought sauce made from sun-dried tomatoes by accident. Nobody’s told him yet and there’s a bet going on whether or not he’ll eat it anyway because he hates throwing away food.”

Tony snickered, then caught himself.

“Wow. Not funny—”

He broke down into giggles again.

“—at all. You guys are mean. Superheroes shouldn’t do things like that to each other.”

Bruce just shrugged, stealing another forkful of spaghetti off Tony’s abandoned plate.

“What can I say. We’re all children.”

Superheroes hearing something creak in a dark abandoned house:

Team ‘It’s just old floorboards’: 

Team ‘There’s a fucking demon about to demolish our souls in the next three seconds’:

New character alignment chart: Creaky Floorboards VS. It’s Demons

May I make an amendment?

Tony’s team totally fluctuates based on his level of sleep and caffeination level.

Going on hour thirty-eight awake with no coffee: “It’s just old floorboards and I’m going to pass out on them.”

Hour twenty-seven awake, after having ingested three Red Bulls: “There’s a fucking demon and I only have to be faster than the slowest person.”

Hour seventy-two, hallucinating with exhaustion, hands shaking around a cup of coffee: “Regardless of whether it’s floorboards or demons I’M GONNA FIGHT IT.”

A concept: Sometimes when Tony gets himself into a self-destructive loop he starts voicing all the things wrong with him. The Avengers shut him down immediately but Tony always looks worried even with his mouth shut. So one day when Rhodey arrives, they just… let him voice all the things wrong with him so that they can see how his best friend soothes him.

Needless to say, none of them are prepared for Rhodey giving him a disgusted look and saying, “Man, shut the fuck up.” And Tony… looks relieved? And pleased? What the fuck what the fuck.

(“He’s my favorite train wreck and you idiots don’t deserve him,” Rhodey says when the Avengers ask.)