the doctors as john mulaney quotes

one: i’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that im mean and loud. it will probably happen again.

two: i put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants and i felt safe

three: they’re like, “does that work?” i’m like, “it didn’t NOT work.”

four: i pulled up to the drive thru window at mcdonalds and ordered a black coffee for myself and kept driving. the one thing no kid at mcdonalds can ever enjoy

five: i yelled “fuck da police!” and everyone else joined in. a hundred drunk white children yelling fuck da police

six: sometimes babies will point at me, and i do not care for that shit at all.

seven: everyone get out of my way! i just want to sit here and feed my birds

eight: i know you told me, but i have had a very long day, i am very small, and i have no money, so you can imagine the stress im under

nine: im an idiot, and i’ve shovelled through life rather nicely so far, so i don’t feel like i deserve good treatment.

ten: if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh… i hear you honking, and i also don’t want me to be doing what im doing

eleven: i don’t look like someone who used to do anything. i look like i was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years. and then i walked right out here.

twelve: i like to lean in and go “stop snitchin’ motherfucker” and walk off. ‘cause you’re never too young to learn our national no snitching policy

thirteen: it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. her body is young, her face is as old as time.

bonus: 

the war doctor: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair