Doctor Who is about the human condition, it’s about silly outfits, it’s about the power ordinary people can wield, it’s about ridiculous haircuts, it’s about the abiding love for humanity, it’s about one alien weirdo and their jealous girlfriend of a time machine, it’s about helping the most vulnerable, it’s about christmas-cracker-level puns, it’s about protecting the innocent, it’s about a butch Australian lesbian flirting with her alien scientist roommate, it’s about how good will always triumph over evil, it’s about two platonic besties passing their shared brain cell back and forth, it’s about kindness and the intrinsic power of hope, it’s about a sapphic alien making heart-eyes whenever her bestie talks about reversing the polarity-
i discovered the formula
disclaimer that all of them are all of these things, but this just.... resonates with me. hoping my 14th doctor "clown" prediction comes true in some way, shape, or form
you're.... you're right. did i predict tenteen??? did apollo strike me with his dodge ball of prophecy? are we finally going to get another eldritch doctor?? rtd pleasepleaseplEAASE-
i have spent more of my precious time on this earth than i care to admit deciding which of the doctorwhos will say fuck
here are my findings, please enjoy
first doctor: swears once in a blue moon. always catches people off guard which he thinks is hilarious, cue much heeheehoohoo wehehehe
second doctor: a wholesome grandpa who has never said anything stronger than “fiddlesticks”. gently bonks jamie on the head if he says a naughty word
third doctor: let off a litany of curses in front of the brigadier once, just to see what would happen (outcome: subject rendered puce and speechless)
fourth doctor: will let off a booming great “FUCKING HELL” when under stress but rarely in front of sarah jane. censors himself less around romana and definitely swears at K9
fifth doctor: absolutely does not swear, thinks it’s terribly bad taste and tegan swears enough for all of them anyway
sixth doctor: RIP peri and mel they put up with so much from this foul mouthed little rainbow gremlin. swearing intensifies when peri puts him on a diet
seventh doctor: swears with an impressive amount of creativity, mostly to get a laugh out of ace and usually in languages no-one else can speak
eighth doctor: swears often and with enthusiasm, prone to following with a ramble about the etymology of certain curse words
war doctor: has been through the wringer so hard that most swear words feel insufficient now, but will use a well-timed f-bomb now and then
ninth doctor: realises soon after his regeneration that northern accents were made for swearing. fookin ell rose it’s the fookin daleks
tenth doctor: keeps it extremely tame. most companions get a half-joking, half-serious “oi. language” if they swear - the exception being donna bc he quickly realises she is a lost cause
metacrisis doctor: canonically curses in the extended universe stuff and rose calls it “donna swearing”, confirming my suspicions that donna will say fuck and ten will not say fuck
eleventh doctor: absolutely does swear but people are always surprised / mildly scandalised by it because he looks about twelve
twelfth doctor: of course he fucking does, get in the fucken box clara we’re gonnae go shit up davros and his wee pepperpot cunts
thirteenth doctor: not a swear in sight. possibly got it all out of her system in the previous incarnation. yaz reacts with mock outrage if she even says “heck”
... yeah
this.... is also true
[ID= screenshot of a Tumblr post by pjharvey that says "liking a male character like he's my girlfriend he's my dad he is literally me I could fix him I could make him worse he's a whore he's my best friend he's my sworn enemy I just want to punch him i want to hold his hand I just want to send him to therapy" with pictures of the 1st through 13th Doctors added to the end of the post, with an asterisk at the end labelled "none of these characters are cis men". Then the same post added to a speech bubble on top of an image of the 3rd Doctor and Delgado!Master, with the speech bubble coming from the Master /end id]
ok @thasmins asked me to create a powerpoint on why all the Doctors are hot so,,,,,, here you go
submitting for all our further consideration...
no further comments needed really
So are we just gonna start calling the Doctors by the actors like we do the Master now that the numbers are all fucked?
YES
The Doctors as John Mulaney Quotes
1: “Adult life is already so godd*mn weird”
2: “I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the stress i’m under”
3: “I was going to put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs, so when I lit of the bottle rockets the eggs would explode everywhere.”
4: “And I know now that I’m definitely never gonna be president.”
5: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed birds!”
6: “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.”
7: “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair”
8: “You know those days when you’re like “this might as well happen”
War: "I don’t look older, I just look worse.“
9: “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day i’ll die”
10: "My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”
11: “You know, like a liar.”
12: “First off, no.”
13: “I’ll just pepper in the fact that I’m gay.”
Bonus Shalka: “Yeah, he was not a ‘spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down’ kinda guy. He was more like ‘Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.’”
Same software, different face. 💫 @doctorwho
the doctors as john mulaney quotes
one: i’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that im mean and loud. it will probably happen again.
two: i put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants and i felt safe
three: they’re like, “does that work?” i’m like, “it didn’t NOT work.”
four: i pulled up to the drive thru window at mcdonalds and ordered a black coffee for myself and kept driving. the one thing no kid at mcdonalds can ever enjoy
five: i yelled “fuck da police!” and everyone else joined in. a hundred drunk white children yelling fuck da police
six: sometimes babies will point at me, and i do not care for that shit at all.
seven: everyone get out of my way! i just want to sit here and feed my birds
eight: i know you told me, but i have had a very long day, i am very small, and i have no money, so you can imagine the stress im under
nine: im an idiot, and i’ve shovelled through life rather nicely so far, so i don’t feel like i deserve good treatment.
ten: if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh… i hear you honking, and i also don’t want me to be doing what im doing
eleven: i don’t look like someone who used to do anything. i look like i was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years. and then i walked right out here.
twelve: i like to lean in and go “stop snitchin’ motherfucker” and walk off. ‘cause you’re never too young to learn our national no snitching policy
thirteen: it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. her body is young, her face is as old as time.
bonus:
the war doctor: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair
Dr Who but each incarnation is swapped with one of their companions.
omg?? I love it??
The First Doctor:
She’s not completely unfriendly, exactly, she just doesn’t have time for humans being idiots. In the right circumstances, she can actually be very warm. She loves history, which is lucky because her granddaughter Susan does too (they tell people Susan is her daughter, but even then it’s a bit of a stretch, human ages are weird). Of course, then two of Susan’s teachers follow her home one night, and next thing the Doctor knows she has a crotchety old history teacher and a handsome young science teacher on her spaceship with no way to get rid of them that isn’t morally questionable.
Whoops?
The humans help her lose some of her haughtiness. She leaves Susan in the 22nd century to become her own woman.
Along the way and against her better judgement, she falls hopelessly for Ian Chesterton. He wants to stay with her forever, but she knows it would never work, and encourages him to go with John Foreman in the Dalek Time Machine to get back to his own time.
Later, in other lives, she checks in on him occasionally.
The Second Doctor:
The baby face is a problem. It takes a good twenty minutes on a lot of occasions to get anyone to take her seriously. On the bright side, a lot of Polly’s clothes fit her now.
She finds a best friend in Scotsman Jamie McCrimmon, whose rather naive approach to futuristic technology is extremely refreshing, as is his unique insightfulness.
After Ben and Polly leave them, they rescue Victoria, who Jamie is utterly taken with. Victoria is unsure about living a life so unsupervised by someone older and won’t listen to the Doctor’s insistence that she is in fact perfectly qualified to look after them all.
She and Victoria spend a good many nights aboard the TARDIS talking about women’s history and the things to come for women in the future and how women act on other planets. Victoria is fascinated, occasionally horrified, and often quietly thrilled at the things she learns.
It’s a shame to see her go, but all she ever wanted was a family and security, and the Doctor can’t provide that.
They meet an eccentric man on a space station, with funny trousers and an obsession with the recorder. The Doctor and Jamie like him instantly, and invite him on board only to learn that the man had been considering stowing away if not invited.
The Time Lords take her friends away from her. She is forced to regenerate and exiled to Earth, as punishment for her interference.
The Third Doctor:
Shrewd, passionately devoted to science, and not one to take kindly to interruptions or anyone trying to talk down to or even disagree with her, it’s a wonder the Doctor even gets hired by UNIT at all. But then again, beggars can’t be choosers.
On the bright side, this fellow John Smith from Cambridge seems to be the one person around with an actual brain and not just a penchant for attacking first and thinking later.
They’re friends instantly. Or, they are once she makes it perfectly clear that she is the cleverer of the two. The look on his face when he realises is a memory she’ll treasure forever.
He eventually leaves to go back to his own research, upon realising she doesn’t need him.
It’s a shame and she misses him, but then Jo Grant comes into her life. Despite an awful first impression, the two women are soon fiercely devoted to each other. Jo keeps going on about women having to stick together amongst all the army boys, and while the Doctor could usually not care less about gender politics, if it means Jo hangs around her more, then so be it.
The Master turns up. It’s exhausting and exasperating and oh so much fun.
Meanwhile, the Doctor’s told herself to not let herself fall for humans, after how much Ian hurt. But with Jo, it’s impossible not to. (Not that she hasn’t noticed the Brigadier’s lingering stares, or failed to appreciate him in his uniform. But he’s far too professional to ever do anything, and too trigger happy besides.)
Jo is like sunshine and she’s always there and smiling and pressing herself against the Doctor out of fear or shock, until one day they’re in the supply closet of a spaceship and they’re kissing furiously instead of listening out for their pursuers.
It’s wonderful, being with Jo. Until Clive Jones comes along, and the Doctor has to tell her to forget about her and marry the nice young man who can grow old with her and give her the life she wants.
She drinks more champagne than she is proud of that night.
Luckily, along comes Sarah Jane Smith, who is exactly the kind of human that the Doctor automatically adores. Inquisitive, sharp, and a vocal feminist. What a woman.
Of course, then giant alien spiders happen, and it’s time for a change.
The Fourth Doctor:
Or… not. Apparently, she’s doomed to be young, attractive, humanoid, and pale skinned throughout all her lives. There are worse fates, but she wouldn’t mind a little variety, frankly. And being so small is getting infuriating.
Harry takes a long while to take her seriously, but once he does, he is steadfastly loyal. Sarah Jane takes the regeneration in stride for the most part.
And after them, Leela, who is so strange and savage but so utterly charming in her honesty. They share a few kisses, but nothing more.
Then comes Romana. A young Time Lord who looks older than her, is far taller than is sensible, and has an even more absurd grin. She can’t stand him, with his bragging about his grades and thinking he knows everything.
She soon teaches him that experience wins every time.
Of course, then he spots some pretty princess on Tara, and next thing she knows, the moment the whole Key To Time mess is sorted, Romana is now a less taller, less ridiculous, utterly beautiful Time Lady in her first regeneration.
She tries to argue against what she can only consider body theft, or at least copying, but it is a relief to not have to crane her neck up to speak to her companion.
Romana becomes a most dear friend. She’s missed being around someone like her, someone who understands. It makes it all the worse when she leaves, leaving the Doctor with only Adric and his incessant questions.
The Fifth Doctor:
There’s something about this body, a regality, that commands a little more respect than the ones before it, despite it following the pattern of her others.
Adric’s questions exasperate her, while Tegan’s demands to be taken home are met with gentle requests for patience and promises of Heathrow airport, and this Traken prince she’s picked up is thankfully one of the most polite people she’s ever had in the TARDIS. Decent brain on him, too.
Tegan’s smile sometimes makes her stomach do backflips. The Doctor ignores it. She’s learned her lesson. It’s almost a relief to see Tegan reach her breaking point and leave, except it isn’t, because for a long while it feels like a part of her is missing.
Turlough is a curiosity, but a nice one who makes for surprisingly good company in the absence of the others.
Perpugilliam Brown is a surprise. The Doctor remembers why she has tried to avoid America where possible in her travels. Americans are loud. But in the case of Peri, it involves shouting at the Master, and as such, the Doctor decides that Perpugilliam Brown can stay as long as she likes.
Between the two of them and soon Erimem, uncrowned Pharaoh of Egypt, they make quite the team.
The Sixth Doctor:
It’s about time! Finally, a more weathered model. Peri is surprised to say the least, and seems a little disappointed to lose out on her best friend who had until now looked a very similar age to her, but soon realises very little has changed.
And now she lets the Doctor take care of her a bit better. Thank goodness for that! The maternal instincts in this body are absurdly strong, she has no idea what she would do if she couldn’t express them.
Now, the borderline narcissistic but quietly lovable history professor she accidentally picks up some time after losing Peri is a trickier matter. Still, at least he shares her love for chocolate cake.
The Seventh Doctor:
Bright, bubbly, and able to get most people to like her within ten seconds. Now this is a regeneration she likes. Plus, her most impressive set of lungs yet. Handy, for calling companions who like to wander off.
She tries to not encourage Ace’s use of explosives, but it’s difficult when she sees how genuinely happy they make the girl. She’s getting soft in her old age, she knows.
Still, at least her brain makes up for it. She can out-think a computer, easily. The universe is her chessboard and she’ll do whatever the hell she pleases with it.
The Eighth Doctor:
She’s a jolly thing. Always keen for adventure, ready to shout at anyone who deserves it, and just wants to have a good time, really.
After a rather rocky start involving amnesia and kissing the cardiologist who had caused her regeneration in the first place, the Doctor is just minding her own business when she accidentally messes with history.
It seems that saving this stowaway on the R101 might not have been the best idea after all. But he’s so charming and sweet and genuine, sharing her utter passion for life, that by the time she realises her mistake, she’s not willing to part with him.
That goes… about as well as one might expect.
The Ninth Doctor:
It’s funny, being a weathered old war veteran with a guilty conscience, and simultaneously looking like someone who could be on the front of a magazine.
Life is hard, after the time war, but she meets a man with big ears and blue eyes and things get better. A lot better. It feels good to smile again.
The addition of Captain Jack Harkness is an interesting one, but she’s always said the more the merrier. Their other companion is not quite as happy about this development, but before long they’re the best of friends.
The Tenth Doctor:
She’s gentler now, somehow. Oh, she has her anger and her snark, and boy does this body have a set of lungs on her. But she’s so much softer, underneath.
Losing her friends from her last body takes its toll. She at least manages to avoid comparing Martha to them that came before her. Martha is wonderful, always completing even the most impossible tastes that the Doctor puts to her. They part on good terms, after the Master’s ravaging of the Earth. (The Master had not been so impressed with this version of her. He had trouble seeing the strength within, seeing that she was more than the duality of compassion and shouting.) Martha needs to look after her family, and that’s probably for the best.
And then there’s the skinny idiot in the suit. He actually talks faster than she does, which is absurd, but she wonders if that’s simply because of his questionable family. Perhaps not letting them get a word in is how he survives.
Either way, they get along like a house on fire. Losing him, wiping his memory and seeing him stare right through her and smile that stupid smile, is almost enough to break her.
No more companions, she swears.
The Eleventh Doctor:
It’s all about fun, now. Impressing the little boy whose garden she crashes in and then impressing him when he’s grown up and has waited 14 years for her. (To hell with her rule about no more companions. Her old self was full of dumb ideas anyway.)
Oh yes, she likes Rory Williams a lot. And his best friend John isn’t bad either. Mind you, that nose…
She has her spaceship, and her boys, and life is good. Well, there’s River Song to worry about, but she can never be sure if the archaeologist is more interested in her or John. Just one more mystery, it seems.
Losing Rory, and then John, is hard. But she knows that they’re happy, and that’s enough.
The Twelfth Doctor:
Short, bossy, a control freak, and a slight obsession with tartan. Also, her English teacher companion is secretly a rock star wannabe, disguised as a reclusive Scottish nerd.
What’s a girl to do?
(Apparently, find out that her best enemy is alive, and now also female. And Scottish like her companion. The first kiss had been… shocking to say the least. The ones after, against her better judgement, decidedly less so.)
She cares about her companion more than she will ever say, and when faced with losing him, takes things too far. Further than anyone should ever take anything. And when it is all said and done… she can’t remember his face, or his voice, or how he sounded when he mocked how large her eyes were.
River is there to comfort her, though, in those 24 years on Darillium.
And then Bill. Brilliant Bill. Oh yes, they make quite the team. And Nardole helps sometimes too.
Send me an AU and I’ll expand on it!
“The Last Tea and Biscuits” Here you go, internet. This took rather a while, but now it’s done. Just in time for the holidays! Prints and things are here: http://www.redbubble.com/people/tinywonder
I spent way too much time working on this @doctorwho meets Leonardo Da Vinci mash-up, and I’m in love with it, really… painstaking as it was.
My edit
What in the holy hell is going on? I like it.
doctor whooooo had a farm - doooeeeoooeeeooo