To set eyes again upon your heart

Sunday evening sadness hits you differently

It is hard to deal with the fact that your family that should be your safe space is the reason you sometimes wish dword

Struggling with multiple feelings at once tonight

Feeling sad and defeated cause i have wasted my 20s and i didnt accomplish anything good in these last 10 years

Trying to feel hopeful about my 30s and hoping it will better but feeling like hope is useless and they will be the exact same thing as my 20s and so asking myself is it even worth it?

The thing i realized in bed at 1am last night 'cause I couldn't sleep is that when i say i want to die, it doesn't mean i want to actually die but that I want to disappear. I want to disappear from people's eyes and opinions judging on everything i do, on every failure, shortcoming or mistake I make or I have done. I want to disappear from the pity eyes and people looking at me like someone who is unworth of living.

I don't crave death, I crave invisibility

Britney Spears was right when she sang "my loneliness is killing me"

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It's so frustrating how i can go from having a normal day to be super sad and upset in matter of seconds.

And all I need to do is think about myself and suddenly everything shifts and I don't want to do anything anymore and just cry. I was having normal days (neither happy or sad) but the moment i started overthinking (and it all started cause i thought i have to go to the dentist???? how does this makes sense) the only thing i wanted to do was cry.

Tired of my fucking mind and how it seems it works against me

The way i have been struggling more and more each day and I have literally no one to talk to cause my problems are not as big as the one of my sisters.

So August is going to be as bad as July personally

I'm realizing that social media is putting me in a very bad space lately 'cause I keep comparing my life to everyone and I always end up hating it.

But at the same time I'm scared of not using it because it's the only source I have to talk with people and not being utterly alone, because this is what will happen if I gave up on it.

So i truly don't know what to do

I just love how my sister is mad cause i'm upset about my life and when i'm upset i tend to isolate myself and she is taking it personally? And now she is starting to get me to start a fight? she is badmouthing randomly?

Gurl i'm literally on a couch crying wishing i was fucking DEAD and you want to fight.

I cant believe all of this happened cause i had a job interview? Whose family destroy someone over a job interview? It makes no sense?

Please i feel i woke up in an new reality.

So i guess my parents (and my sister) won.

I wont go to the job interview i guess they love seeing me feel shit and being all alone.

Glad to know

My mom is literally not speaking to me or even looking at me?

I just want to know what i did wrong?

My father at least asked me how i knew this job offer and things like this and when i said "linkedin" he was like ok they are legit

I don't understand why she is so pissed at me? Why is she making me feel so guilty over this?

Please tell me if it's normal that a 29yo has to feel guilty for a job interview?

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the way my parents reacted to my sister getting a job interview and me getting a job interview is so telling.

Like i know you two are old and it's hard to wrap your head around the idea of an online magazine about fashion and art but still be happy? I have felt worthless and like a failure for two long ass years (not that I was feeling better before, but these two years have been super hard) because i couldn't even get a call back and now? I know there are some difficulties cause i don't have a car and I don't know the specific of the job but fucking be happy that someone thought I was worth it.

Sometimes i think i could talk to my sister about my worries and my anxieties than i hear her randomly mocking me behind my back and i go nope bad idea brain.

I've been crying and feel sad/upset everyday since 2021 started but what you do when you can't talk about your fears and pain to no one?

I don't want to bother my few friends and i don't want to open up to my parents/sister 'cause they won't understand

I'm tired for real, i'm drained and I don't want to go on