when you say my name i like the Way it sounds

via @delwatergap

Nialler 💔

This is just gonna be rambling and noncohesive cause I really just need to put my feelings somewhere.

I have had this account since March 2012. I was 15 years old. I am now 27. I am still here. Now I wasn't as active for a few years, especially during college (really only coming back for the big things). But whenever I am having a rough time I always come back to two things: Harry Potter and One Direction. I look back on the height of my One Direction obsession so fondly, like I really cherish those years when the only thing I wanted to talk and think about was what these 5 boys were doing. God this is so hard to even articulate like I spent so much of my time loving them. To this day I love them. Just like countless other people on here, I had a really tough adolescence and there were times when the only thing keeping me afloat was the promise of a video diary, a behind-the-scenes YouTube video, an album release, and the list goes on. I used to read fanfiction in class. I would leave class to go to the bathroom and watch the Vevo releases. I would watch the videos 6 times to make sure I didn't miss anything. I feel like I know them. I know I don't and never really will. But they were my everything and I don't think I ever properly grieved them breaking up. Even though I knew what the "hiatus" really meant, there was a small part of me that always hoped to replicate the unbelievable happiness that I once had at the height of this whole experience. Liam dying has really solidified the fact that like I am no longer a teenage girl sitting in her room trying to escape her stressful life (I say this as I am sitting in my room crying over One Direction in the year 2024).

There is such grief. Like I said I am sitting in my room in LA which is a city I moved to to pursue a career in social media. This is a career path I found myself on BECAUSE of One Direction. I found my passion for creating content, pop culture, and connecting with people across the globe while obsessing over these 5 boys. They touch and influence my life to this day. I can genuinely say that I love them, and I was feeling ridiculous yesterday because I am 27 years old, but I have decided to just accept that this death has deeply shaken me and I need to give myself the grace and just allow myself to feel this. I feel so so so weird, so devastated. One of the hardest parts about this is not feeling like I can accurately express how I am feeling to people who weren't hardcore Directioners from the beginning like they just will never ever be able to understand and that is making this hard. Like people don't respect the grief and you feel like you have to justify yourself. This will be affecting me for a good while but I am gonna have to hide it.

God this is so so sad. I feel so much sadness and devastation for his mom, dad, sisters, his little boy, his gf, Maya, the boys, and all of us. The whole situation is so upsetting. So deeply disturbing. Where do we go from this? I feel like I have had a bucket of cold water thrown over my head. I will never forget where I was when the news dropped. I immediately called my best friend (we really bonded and solidified our friendship through obsessing over One Direction together) and we just sat on the phone together. I called my mom and cried and she had to tell me to make myself tea with sugar to help with the shock. I can honestly say I am still in shock. None of this is really sinking in. I saw a TikTok that said it was such a special cultural moment that we lived through, and being able to connect with people who know what is going on and like the gravity of the situation while also still being in our adulthood, is really beautiful. Like you really just had to fucking be there it was magical and it was SO MUCH fun. I need to see more videos of Liam being just a silly guy cause I used to absolutely crack up from these videos. That is what the internet is at its best.

If anyone wants to talk about this please feel free to DM me. I need an outlet. I will probs ramble more in the coming days. I just really needed to type some feelings out. I am so sad, and I can't use my usual tried and true coping mechanism. Sending lots of love out into the universe right now.