Oh…my God..
I have so much to say but will keep it away from here and just go get some rest because….ooooooh mama, I need it. 😅
ليلة سعيدة
Every day I fall deeper in love with you….
I never knew that it could be possible for me to love you more than I already did, but every second I spend with you surprises me anew.
The fluttering feeling in my chest makes me feel so happy and it scares me….I am not used to feeling happiness…
I don’t want to lose you ever again….please stay beside me….
I never wish to spend another night without you in my arms…. Only then can I rest peacefully.
(Art and edit belongs to me.)
I am so excited for tomorrow because we are going somewhere super fun 🤗— and I really needed it.
So if I don’t reply tomorrow it’s because I will be gone most of the day. I will try to pop by at night if I’m not too drained. (This is especially for the person who needs me. If you DM me or reply to the rp I will get back to you. But if you really need to reach out to me then text me on discord because I will respond immediately there. I just won’t be on tumblr.)
(I am also waiting for 3 video games I ordered for the PS5, I hope they arrive soon.)
That random moment where I feel the urge to slide in to her DMs just to say “I love you.” But then I get reminded that she doesn’t love me that way and especially doesn’t need me in any way.. *sigh*
My urges are a pain in the ass and I want them to stop.
But seeing the one I love suffering and I can’t do anything is very difficult for me..
I wish I could be her comfort and safe space…but I know I never will be. I am just forced to stay away and watch her from a distance….
(Art and edit belong to me)
When you accidentally manifest quotes…
I was sitting here just telling myself “fake it until you make it.” (And that is in regards to my own feelings and emotions) and as I did that, I pressed on a video of a YouTuber, the recently one she uploaded, and she literally says “fake it until you make it” as she talks about her mental struggles. I was like….girl, wut?
There is one overused word that reeeaaallly annoys me, simply for the fact that my stupid Egyptian brain doesn’t know what that word even means 😅
I watch Karina Kaboom among other YouTubers and they often use the word “gaslighting” the fuq does that even meaaaan??? I keep imagining a literal gas light….as in a gas lamp type thing 😅😅😅😅 I swear I have no clue wtf that word means and I am so annoyed hearing it everywhere.
With every day that goes by, the thought of giving up on her does cross my mind and it really pains me to admit this.
Normally I always follow my heart, even if it leads me through trials and tribulations. But it has been a good long while of being completely ghosted by her. I mean, she still keeps me on her discord, but I am starting to believe she has abandoned her discord account yet again and just created a new one at this point. I do message her on there but get no response and see no activity whatsoever…. I’m most likely just talking to myself on there…
Discord is the only place I can actually still message her on because I am blocked on here. But I am convinced that the account has been abandoned and I refuse to make another sock account on tumblr to message her with because I am emotionally and spiritually so broken and defeated, to the point where my heart is acting up…
Been having random heart palpitations and a recent sudden stabbing pain that goes from my chest up to my left shoulder every time I break down and cry — what I have been doing every night..
So I know for a fact that I no longer would be able to handle seeing her dashboard and all the tags she purposely weaponises against me because she knows they are working.
Not only are they working by crushing me emotionally, but just thinking about them is now starting to dangerously affecting me physically, and I can’t risk that for reasons I can’t mention here.
I really, genuinely, love this woman, alright? I’m sure whoever read my deleted posts would know by now just how much I love her. The tagging she did, and probably still does, is either maybe a game to her to punish me with, or it’s a flex to show me how she really never loved me, I dunno. I just know that they serve one purpose, and that is to hurt me. I won’t sit here playing the tough guy and say “pfff that shit she doesn’t affect me” because when it comes to love, I am not tough. Love is the only thing that I am extremely weak against, and she knows that. Her tag methods have always been working, that is why she has been weaponising it against me for soon 3 years. After enduring seeing them for that long, my heart is obviously physically reaching its limit — to the point where it’s getting dangerous and I need to be extremely careful what I subject it to..
I can handle a lot of things, and a lot of pain, but the stuff she puts in her tags are devastating to me, and hurt me more than anything she could have done to me — and she knows this……
that’s why she does it…
and I know she will continue to do so because she knows it’s working and destroying me. I have literally become afraid to create a new sock puppet account to DM her with because I am quite frankly terrified to be confronted with her dashboard and her reblogs…I just can’t handle them. She is not aware how much they actually damage me, unless she is aware and that is why she uses them, I do not know. All I know is that discord is the only place she kept me on…..for now
But all my messages on there are left unanswered, which leads me to believe she has abandoned that account like all the other accounts in the past…
I know some people who read this might think “well habibi if she is ghosting you and posting tags about how much she doesn’t love you, don’t you think you should get the hint and back the fuck off?” and for you who do think like this I get you, I hear you. I really don’t want to keep on trying if all it does is make me end up looking like a creep who doesn’t know how to get the hint and accept rejection. This is exactly why I am choosing not to spam her discord with messages anymore from now on. The last thing I want is for to add “creep” on to the list of names she already calls me already……
So yes, I do get the hint, and I will stop…..I promise it this time.
I love her so much, but there is no point trying if the feelings are just obviously not mutual anymore…
I accept it and I am painfully, and very reluctantly, closing the chapter…
Today my friends mom gave us this air freshener for the hallway because we needed a new one. And when I saw the title of it, my immediate first thought was “The universe is trolling me right now, I swear to God” 😓
Just seeing the word *rain* made my heart stop for a moment
Obviously you guys have no idea what I’m on about and why I am posting a pic of a random air freshener 😂 but rain has been a special and very symbolic thing between me and the girl I love who broke my heart — so the last thing I needed to see is anything related to rain…
I dunno what this means…
I am a very spiritual person, and I wonder if this is a sign or a form of spiritual communication I should pay attention to? ….Or if the universe is just trolling me for the hell of it.
Whatever it may be, just seeing the word *Rain* made me feel shit I wish I didn’t, because all it does is open a wound in my heart that struggles to heal.
2nd day of Eid started rather sad…
We found out about 2 deaths..
First death was of a 20 year old young man who died of a brain tumor. The shocking part about his death is that we didn’t even know he was sick the past 2 years.. So hearing that he passed away was a “WTF?!?!?!” moment, and it was very difficult getting over that shock, ngl…
The 2nd death was of an elderly lady who was like a grandmother I never had..
She suffered a stroke last week which was pretty bad…and she passed away this morning at 4am….it hurts, obviously… but she was 87 years old and I know she lived a long and beautiful life…even if that doesn’t take away the sadness from the loss.
Nonetheless, we spent the 2nd day of Eid visiting more loved ones and I really enjoyed the distraction…. definitely needed it.
May both of them rest in peace and may God give their family patience and healing.
إِنَّا ِلِلَّٰهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ
2 Eid presents down, 2-3 more to go 😅
Had such a wonderful first day of Eid. It started off with a friend of mine finally coming back after a month or two with no internet. I saw the return as a surprise Eid present for me lol.
We then went from house to house visiting loved ones. I dunno what it is, but visiting the elderly and seeing the reaction on their faces really makes my heart grow 10 times.
It was such a beautiful day and I feel so blessed and grateful that my own irl aibou allows me to be a part of the festivities.
It was a long and beautiful day and I feel super drained. 😵💫 Feeling that much human energy around me literally overwhelmed me, no joke. The first thing I did when we got back was literally pass out tor a couple of hours, I kid you not. I was sooo drained and had no energy left in me 😂 I still feel very weak but I feel happy (which is new for me) so it was definitely worth it, 100%
Tomorrow is day two and I am already excited to see where we will go next. 🤗
Eid mubarak to my fellow muslims. I hope your holiday is as joyful as mine and may you all stay blessed. 💛
(Art and edit belong to me)
I cannot believe that Ramadan 2024 is officially over! It just flew by.
You know, I really get to experience how stressful it is for christian people to buy xmas presents because we over here have been stressing over this years Eid presents. Eid is literally tomorrow (well today in my case cuz it’s past 2am) and there are still some presents that didn’t arrive in time cuz for whatever reason the mail man didn’t bring our order today even if they said they would aghhhh afjhdjk
We are literally behind on some presents, but luckily Eid is 3 days so I still have time 😅 I mean, it doesn’t have to be on day one, right? Right?! 😅🤣
“But Ati you har a whole month to get Eid presents and you wait days before Eid to do so.” Yeah come for me yall, I deserve it 😭 this month has just been an emotional rollercoaster for me, ngl…
But I am on a mend and will do better from now on.
Just gotta keep on keeping on. 💪🏽 yalla!
Eid mubarak to my fellow Muslims 💛☪️
(Art and edit belongs to me)
Feeling slightly better than I did the past week. I definitely plan to reply to my pending rps tomorrow because I have let the people wait for far too long as I went through some crap. I chose to accept reality and just try to exist with the best of my ability. I am glad that I am at least starting to claw my way out of the deep emotional sinkhole I fell in, eventually I will climb out and feel much better — it can only go up from here because you can’t fall off the ground.
(Art and edit belongs to me)
Cooking while fasting gets difficult because of how good everything smells 😅 But that just gets you even more excited for iftar. 💛🥘
(Art and edit belongs to me)
Driving Mario Kart in Egypt 🇪🇬 and winning 💪🏽
(Art and edit belongs to me)
Thank you to the new followers 💛
I always feel honored when anyone decides to follow me. 🙏🏽😭 متشكر قوي
یا حبیبى ازاى أنساک ده أنا روحى تروح ویاک
الشوق تعبنى وقلبى سابنى سابنى وراح معاک