An urbanist in the suburbs.

Community, Season 3, Episode 17: Basic Lupine Urology

My favorite thing is when a stupid thing I made gets reblogged and I sorta kinda half-forgot I even made it. 

@poplitealqueen

au? what au. there is no au here. these are not the words you’re looking for.  uh-uh. nope.  no - this? this asshole started out as fluff and then engulfed a piece of angst I was writing concurrently. this fucker had not the right to make me actually sit down and think timelines through. fuck its entire refrigerator.  but then again. @deadcatwithaflamethrower I borrowed Terza for a little? 

“Terza,” he uttered a little too sharply, surprised to see her here and awake. He thought better of himself - of course she was here - and inclined his head apologetically. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Her sleepy half-glower eased. “If you have tea, I’ll leave you in peace.”

“Ah.”

He hid a wince, though perhaps not quickly enough. Terza must have seen it, for she sighed and shook her head, pushing herself up out of her seat. “Never mind, you can come watch me make it. And maybe, if you’re very good, I’ll make you a cup.”

As preposterous as that sounded, he wrote it off as exhaustion. Jard was in no state to criticise anyone, himself.

“Can’t sleep?” Terza asked as she made her way over to a nook Dooku had never previously taken notice of. The size of a modest supply closet at best, it housed a small kitchen for the Healers and some emergency supplies for patients - small juice packages in case of low blood sugar in humanoids, supplies for other species that he could not immediately identify or recall.

“They told me my Padawan was injured. I thought perhaps I’d look in on him.”

Keep reading

THIS IS AMAZING

Holy hells, the implications here are awesome! I mean, obviously Qui-Gon is alive, but I love the way Sifo-Dyas is shown through Dooku’s POV, how much Dooku worries - honestly your Dooku is just amazing, subtle and imperfect and caring and 100% real and complex. *grabby hands* I will happily read anything else you have to say about this AU!

Chapters: 17/? Fandom: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Tahl (Star Wars) Additional Tags: Mace Windu Unfucks the Timeline AU, Medical stuff, Therapy Summary:

Everyone changes.

After barely surviving the Theed Generator Complex, Qui-Gon discovers this truth.

Chapter 17: Yoda is a cockblock.

Okay so :D<  It’s like :D but my hands are together because I’m very invested in what you have to say

l respect your opinion and raise you a compromise! Both are right and good we make a great team.

You’re right!!! You’re so right!!!! Give emojis cute hands 2016!!!!!

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are pretty pale for living on a desert planet with two suns.

That is a good point.

So, let’s look at it logically.

The Tatooine system contains two stars that orbit each other fairly closely, but probably no closer than a 7.4 day rotation period (we have reason to believe a tighter orbital period between the stars means too much instability for habitable planets).

It contains an unknown number of planets. Presumably, from the fact that they aren’t mentioned, Tatooine is the only habitable world in the system.

How do we know this? Because the daybreak scene on Tatooine shows the two suns rising together. This most likely means Tatooine orbits both of them.

Which means? The fact that it’s a binary system makes a pretty picture, but it doesn’t make an immediate difference to Tatooine. It might eventually - if the suns go unstable and infall into each other, then, well, time to get in the Millennium Falcon and leave. But during what is presumably a stable period (or the planet wouldn’t have a human population on it - presumably either the Jawas, the Tusken Raiders or both are the indigenes - it’s not actually anything to think about.

Now, in Earth hot deserts (and note that desert means “lack of water” and has nothing to do with temperature. The South Pole is a desert) which Tatooine was loosely based off, the OP would be right. They would be tanned pretty dark, Luke’s hair would probably be bleached almost white, etc. That would be caused by not the heat but the UV component of the light. If you go to a desert you are hit by the sunlight twice - once as it comes down out of the cloudless sky and once as it bounces up off of the dry ground (Antarctica would actually be worse for this, because snow). So, the dryness of the atmosphere and the lack of vegetation cause a lot of UV. Which is why Arabs wear robes and headgear and cover themselves. And also why the ancient Egyptians invented sunscreen. Not sure if they were the first to do so or not, but they had sunscreen. Good sunscreen.

Tatooine, though, is a desert because the planet itself is lower on water. It probably maintains an atmosphere by having a pretty strong magnetosphere (which Mars lacks - but Tatooine is more a Mars type/K type planet than truly Earthlike. It might well be what Mars would be like if it was just a bit heavier and had a bit more of a magnetic field). Incidentally, this implies fairly heavy seismic activity.

There is nothing in this that says Tatooine is hot.

Luke’s farm could easily be in a temperate region of the planet with reasonable, moderate temperatures. Its implied from the way they dress that it’s on the warm side, but nothing we see says that Tatooine is 100 degrees in the shade - and there ain’t no shade. It could be more in the 70-80 range.

So, we have a decent atmosphere, although I suspect thinner than Earth (Maybe the reason Luke suddenly turns into such a good fighter when he leaves Tatooine is he’s spent his entire life at an atmospheric pressure equivalent to being at 5,000 feet…and Rey is from a similar planet). We have very little water.

We also have, most likely, an ozone layer. Ozone is O3 - it’s oxygen with an extra atom. Water, incidentally, is H2O - you need two oxygen atoms to make one water molecule. The ozone layer blocks some of the UV light from the sun.

What turns oxygen into ozone?

Ultraviolet light.

Which means the more UV coming in from your suns, the more ozone. Which also pulls more oxygen atoms into ozone…possibly instead of water. So, hypothesis:

Tatooine has a thinner atmosphere than Earth but a thicker ozone layer. This helps keep the temperature up to levels where Luke is comfortable outside in thin clothing. It also blocks the UV light that would turn him a nice shade of brown. The balance of UV production from the suns and ozone production in the atmosphere is favorable.

So, Luke and Ben can be pale.

And I just wrote a two screen science note in response to a throwaway fandom line…didn’t I.

GUYS CAN WE USE THIS????

It sounds like a thing we might put to use in really cool ways–and it could also explain why Qui-Gon has such a difficult time fighting Maul that first time; if he was working with higher gravity, no wonder his aerials were shit!

This is perfection! Everyone needs to see this!

@jhaernyl @the-last-hair-bender @deadcatwithaflamethrower @meabhair @yol-ande

Seriously, this takes “I WILL DO SCIENCE TO IT” to whole new levels.

Levels of AWESOME.

(Luke did too have a whiteboy tan, tho. WTF kind of screen were you watching that movie on?)

concept: Aliens who have absolutely no cultural or personal use for humor as a concept, but are very adept at figuring out socio-linguistic systems and how to manipulate them. Being funny makes humans more comfortable and easier to negotiate with, and it’s easy enough once you familiarize yourself with a particular culture and set your speech synthesizers to the correct setting. 

and i mean sure eventually they’re great at it, but at some point in time a group of haggard aliens in a room somewhere compare notes on irony, hyperbole, and cultural references, with one exhausted individual clicking “No, Gxiiijhux VIII, puns are a no-go, puns are counterproductive, I don’t care if Susan emitted optimal pleasure decibels, everyone else in that room hated you.” 

Gxiiijhux VIII finds xemself unexpectedly annoyed at the Merchant-Leader’s correction. 

Although further experience indicates that the Merchant-Leader is right about the puns, Gxiiijhux VIII somehow cannot help xemself from clicking out several more of them during the next negotiation session. (All of the humans in the room groan except for Susan, who, again, emits optimal pleasure decibels)

“You need to stop,” the Merchant Leader clicks in frustration.

(But Gxiiijhux VIII can’t seem to stop.)

Gxiiijhux VIII realizes halfway through the trade negotiations that xie is more interested in causing Susan to emit the optimal pleasure decibels than in the successful negotiation of a lucrative trade regulation treaty. This causes xem much stress and confusion.

Eventually, the marriage of Gxiiijhux VIII and Susan is included as a feature of the treaty.

(Gxiiijhux VIII’s former associates breathe a sigh of relief as the merchant ship pulls away from the space station, leaving Gxiiijhux VIII, Susan, and the terrible puns behind.)

Gxiiijhux VIII never does quite get the human concept of humor, but xie is quite content to spend xyr life listening to Susan make the optimal pleasure decibel sounds anyway.

ok but listen: the ghostbusters need a lawyer. they need to get a lawyer on retainer asap I mean look at the structural damage they caused without waivers, the exposure of the public to dangerous weapons and all the resulting personal injuries claims, the use of nuclear devices without permits? and they definitely have an employment case against that ass at the start who fired them without notice, without a review or hearing and with verbal assault, also are they being paid? how are they being paid? who did the conveyancing documents for their new headquarters? being fake arrested by police without their permission, that’s false imprisonment and assault, and what about if a whole bunch of people turn around and are like “our aunt wanted US to get the house when she died and we know because she’s angry and haunting us and we want to subpoena the ghostbusters to give evidence” what about then like you’re talking a whole new world of probate law that they could be dragged kicking and screaming into. they really really need a lawyer and all I’m saying is I’m a lawyer and also I want to kiss holtzmann on the mouth.

@romancingthebookworm Another one! This one again referencing the other recent essays, further proof that this is all just regurgitated nonsense.

My favorite part: 

Also, why is the image with the article a beautiful red rose? Shouldn’t it be Satan, shirtless in a kilt?

TEEMING WITH LUST AND PERVERSION.

TEEMING.

*snort* Well you know, that’s me. Just living my life awash in decadent perversion. Also, I’ve seen a hallmark movie where a girl fell in love with a ghost … sooooo that’s spectrophilia. Kinkshame ya self, Hallmark.

Satan Shirtless In A Kilt

All right fuck me I can’t believe I am saying this, but if someone is willing to make the cover art, I will write this.

I’m already doing a series of Scottish werewolf romance novels as well as my depressingly realistic one. At this point I might as well go big or go home.

I could call it “The Devil’s Sporran”. It’d be sort of like a Pandora’s Box story but with kilts.

I would love you FOREVER if you would write that book.

Judging by the massive influx of followers I just got who appear to be of the romance reading persuasion, I don’t think you’re the only one.

Other than fanfic, this might well be my first endeavor where the Romantic Hero is actually neither. Hmmm *rubs hands together*

How did I know this was your reblog @thebibliosphere without even looking? ‘Why the fuck is there a weird article about sexual perversion in romance nov… Why do I even have to ask?’

Also if you put Satan in a kilt then there has to be one asshole trying to fuck with him while stalking him with a leaf blower

‘For the last time Larry cut it out!’

‘Show us the goods Satan!’

Satan kind of likes it. No lie

My good reputation or lack thereof proceeds me again, I see :P

I’m thinking a modern setting. Young woman is the maid of honor to her bff’s wedding to be held in Scotland where both her and her beau are from, and as the maid of honor she gets introduced to all kinds of quaint traditions she’s never before encountered. Like trying to find a real silver sixpence, taking the bride out around the town on her Taking Out, the whole kerfuffle with trying to find matching dresses for three vastly different shaped women, and realizing at the last minute she’s expected to pick out a tea set for the bride despite being a coffee drinker her whole life, and what the fuck is the difference between Wedgwood and Denby.

And then there’s the groom’s best man…she feels someone should have warned her about him.

oops my fingers slipped.

Can I suggest “The Devil Went Down On Georgia” for the sequel?

You know, I’ve always wanted to write a Southern Gothic Horror Romance…

It’s nice to know the name of it in advance.

reblogging for The Devil Went Down On Georgia pls make this a thing

I would read these so hard

My contribution to The Cause. If someone wants to put text on it to make it into a proper book cover, you have my blessing!

(What’s the point of having taken all those years of figure drawing classes if I can’t do stuff like this once and a while, I ask you??)

Oh holy mother that is Delectable! Well then. Time to write about some bearded Scotsmen.

And now all I can think of is that book cover art with Ewan McGregor's face. I am a terrible person.

sith au fic idea: weird force shit pulls the sith versions of anakin, obi-wan, and ahsoka into canon during the clone wars

for some reason they can’t come back until the war is over, so they end up bunking with the jedi after it’s confimed that they’re from another dimension and aren’t about to kill everyone

and the sith version of obi-wan freaks the order out the most because it’s nearly impossible to tell him apart from the jedi version

the sith version of anakin is noticeably more savage and impulsive, the sith version of ahsoka is cruel in a way the jedi version isn’t, and then there’s sith obi-wan

he speaks and talks and gestures like the jedi version, he has the same sense of humor, the only way to tell them apart is if he drops the glamour concealing the red of his eyes 

the jedi versions of ahsoka and anakin watch this man that looks like their master casually torture and kill and can’t help wondering how much darkness their obi-wan hides

Aisle 13

by Justina Ireland

It’s two days before the last day of school, and I’m sitting in my Combatives class ready to die of boredom.  Mr. Vaughn is showing a demonstration video on how to slay a basilisk. Again. It was the last question on our final. Only half of us got it right.

I was not one of the lucky few.

No one is paying attention as the warrior in the party uses her reflective shield to distract the basilisk while a mage makes a big deal about putting the creature down with a sleep spell.  We’re all talking and thinking about the summer.

“What did you get in here?” Jeb asks from across the row.

“C,” I say.  “What about you?”

“D minus,” he says, waving his test at me.  His ears droop a little like a chastised puppy. Demons are so sensitive.

I shrug.  “At least you dodged a bullet. No summer school.”

“Yeah,” Jeb looks down at his test morosely.  “But still, you can’t kill a basilisk?  Who knew they were an endangered species?”

Mr. Vaughn is clip-clopping across the front of the room now, arms crossed as he gives one of his “these are skills for the real world” lectures once again. As fun as it is to watch a centaur go off on a tear, I’m over Mr. Vaughn and I’m over this school year.  

I don’t really care about the test, but I do hate when Jeb gets all emo.  “Look, we’re never going to use this anyway.  No one goes adventuring anymore.”

He nods and incinerates his test with a simple fire spell.  No one even glances at him.

“What are you doing this summer?” he asks after a long while, his voice low. He’s still bummed about his bad grade. Maybe I’ll take him out for frozen yogurt after school.  Cheer him up. Sprinkles would cheer anyone up.

I slouch down in my desk, stretching with a yawn.  Mr. Vaughn has given up on his lecture and has retreated to his desk to eat an apple someone brought him.  He’s much calmer now.  It’s probably the apple.  Centaurs freaking love apples.

“Nothing dude,” I say, finally answering Jeb’s question.  “Absolutely nothing.”

*****

The second day of summer vacation my mom tells me I need to get a job.

We’re sitting at dinner eating Mom’s famous tavern stew, which is really just a bunch of random things boiled down to mush.  She’s still dressed in her work clothes: low cut white gown and flower crown.  I asked her once why the clinic makes her wear such a ridiculous outfit, and she just shrugged and said “It’s tradition. This is how healers dress.”  The men have an outfit that is just as stupid, tight white breeches and a flowy tunic, but I still think it sucks that my mom has to dress like a sex object to help people. Like, where is the self-respect in that?

“So, Caitlyn, what are your plans for summer?” Mom asks as I’m about to shovel in some of her stew.  My mouth is full so I just shrug and say “Uhnano.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? No big plans?” Mom is giving me this tight smile that means she wants a specific answer, but I have no idea what she’s looking for here.  It’s summer.  It’s two and a half months of not thinking about magic spells or chemistry or monster identification or algebra or anything, really.  So why is she hassling me?

“I was thinking of maybe taking my mage’s test or something,” I say, hoping it’s enough to distract Mom from whatever she’s about.  Dad isn’t even paying attention to the conversation. As usual he’s nose deep in Berserker Weekly.  Dad used to be this big time adventurer, walking through forests and bashing in heads for fun and profit.  That’s where he met Mom.  I think he saved her from an evil wizard or a druidic cult or something. It was a long time ago, though, and now he mainly consults for a living.

“Oh, that’s a good idea.  After you get your license maybe you could call Marcus and see if he’ll let you work in the Hex shop.  I mean, you should really get a job this summer.  Don’t you agree, Brock?”

A frown creases Dad’s dark face but he grunts in assent.

I take another bite of stew and look down at the bowl to avoid answering. There’s no way I’m going to work in my Uncle Marcus’s Hex shop. The thought of untangling curses all summer makes me want to turn myself into a frog and hide out in the forest.  Not to mention that my Uncle Marcus is the cheapest man alive.  I’d be lucky if he even paid me.

Mom pushes her bowl of stew away and jumps to her feet.  “Good! Caitlyn, I’ll send Marcus a note letting him know you’ll be there tomorrow bright and early—”

“I don’t want to work in the Hex shop. It’s gross.”

Mom stops and turns to me slowly.  Her skin is pale as usual but two spots of color have appeared high on her cheeks.  She is pissed.  “Removing hexes is not gross.  Your uncle gives those people their lives back.”

“A woman with boils all over her face is pretty gross, Mom.”  Last year when I had to pick a concentration Mom took me to see Marcus to convince me to pick cursework because it pays pretty well.  I chose spellweaving instead.  I’d rather work in a factory making love charms or fire spells than to have to turn frogs back into snotty princes all day.

Mom purses her lips and turns to my Dad.  “Brock, will you please talk some sense into your daughter?”

“Cursework is disgusting, Mel,” Dad says, lowering his paper.  “Why can’t the girl go adventuring like everyone else her age?”

“No one goes adventuring anymore, Dad,” I say.  Because it’s true. Adventuring is something your parents make you do because they don’t understand that it isn’t cool to slay dragons anymore or that maidens can rescue themselves.

I mean, adventuring is just so lame. Walking around, looking for a prophecy to fulfill, and then working really hard for something that may or may not come true? Yawn. I have better things to do.

“No one goes adventuring, huh?” Dad and Mom exchange a look, like they’re about to laugh at some inside joke.  Then Dad raises his paper again.  “Either way, you’re not going to sit around the house all summer and play video games.  Get a job, Caity-Bird, and if you can’t find one then your mother will call Marcus and you can spend all summer waking princesses.”

And that’s how I end up working at the Shop Quick.

Keep reading

Oh my god. Seriously, read this. It’s amazing.

So good.

READ THIS.

Fun fact: if you eliminate all the characters with facetime from the Original Trilogy (Obi-Wan, Anakin, Palpatine, the Lars family), all the characters related to them (Shmi and Padme Skywalker), and all the characters playing decoy for said characters (Padme’s decoys)…you get a staggeringly diverse cast for the prequels. Do most of the women not have speaking roles? Yes. Are there very, very few women? Also yes. Should Swan never be allowed to make collages again ever? Yeah…

But despite all of this, you can see that the casting crew–Lucas in particular–really tried to diversify.

Two major props have to go to the casting of Jimmy Smits and Temuera Morrison (and by extension, Rebecca Mendoza and Daniel Logan), who became Bail Organa and Jango Fett: one of them was the unseen-but-very-significant foster parent of Leia, and the other was the template for the most notorious background character in cinematic history. These two were icons who excited everyone with their presence in the prequels, and they went to non-white actors.

Samuel L. Jackson got to be the Jedi Master who stood beside Yoda and was only killed by the combined efforts of Darth Vader and the Emperor; Ahmed Best was cast as one of the first fully-CGI-characters in history (the discussion of the disastrous backlash from THAT is a topic for another post), Captain Panaka was the stalwart protector of Naboo, and most of the more memorable background Jedi were women. The roles of non-white characters were extremely limited by the central cast, and Lucas’s desire to expand the diversity of the Star Wars universe itself beyond human boundaries further limited a lot of these actors’ facetime (one arguable misstep is that Qui-Gon could have been played by a non-white actor, but…).

There is an admittedly surprising lack of Chinese and Japanese actors to be found here–especially considering everything Star Wars owes to Japan–but the fact remains that there was clearly an aggressive movement to diversify the Star Wars universe. The franchise would then, of course, fight to close the gender gap with The Clone Wars–Ahsoka Tano and Asajj Ventress played central roles, while many of the once-background Jedi had their roles expanded to become major characters. Rebels continued the franchise’s quest to diversify the universe, and now The Force Awakens has taken yet another step with Rey, Finn, and Poe. 

I believe it should be noted, then, that the expansion that is being accomplished with the latest movie is not a dramatic change for Lucasfilm or the franchise, but instead the most notable step forward. Is there still work to do? Yes, but Star Wars is nothing if not tireless. 

its that time of the year again

I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.

I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.

But surely there are also the kids, who - because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird - decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?

Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.

But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?

Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.

So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.

The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.

At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.

They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.

When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.

A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.

The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?

Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.

The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.

Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.

The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.

Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”

The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”

Heroes: “… no~ but…”

The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”

Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.

The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”

Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”

Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”

The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”

Villain: “Indeed.”

Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>

The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”

Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>

The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”

Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”

The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”

Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”

Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”

The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.

But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.

Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.

My first official deadpool headcanon is this. This this this.

Okay but this whole concept actually makes a lot of sense, because villains are a lot more likely to be disfigured/disabled/use adaptive devices (bc ableist tropes), so of course, say, a child amputee is going to be more interested in the villain with a robot arm who almost destroyed New York than the heroes that took him down.

Also, imagine one of the kids gets better, and a few years down the line becomes a villain themself, except their crimes are things like smuggling chemo drugs across the border for families that can’t afford treatment, or stealing from corrupt businessmen to make donations to underfunded hospitals (idk this turned into a Leverage AU or something) and every time the heroes encounter her, they’re like “oh no. she’s getting away. curses. welp, nothing we can do.” Though it isn’t that she can’t take them on; bc of course once the villain from way back when found out what she was up to, he started helping/training her. 

“I thought they just hired someone to dress up and pretend to be you,” she says, amazed, when he reveals himself. “I didn’t think they actually got the real you!”

Every year the Villain Wrangler gets a very expensive gift basket from the pair.

and for the kids who don’t get better the villains are there too, they show up to every funeral, they bear too small coffins on their shoulders and the heroes stand aside

they are fierce with grieving families assuring them that their child will not be forgotten, and they don’t balk at negative emotions, they don’t tell people to be strong or “celebrate their child’s life,” because these parents have every right to their grief and anger

and the lost children are never forgotten. flowers appear on graves during birthdays and anniversaries, heroes find pictures of those kids and they carefully take them down and ensure they’re delivered to the villain’s cell, and a few villains can be seen with friendship bracelets wrapped around their wrists the cops have learned not to try and take them off

This is all soooo good, but I wonder what effect this has on the villains. Like, can they really wreak indiscriminate havoc when they know the kids that worship them might be in the area? Like, what if they attack a shopping mall and it just so happens that Annie’s mom ran in for a pair of shoes or something? What then?

So what you’re saying is that there is now an organization of henchmen who do round the clock, exhaustive research in order to make sure the villain’s plan isn’t going to ruin the life of some kid. Just imagine some aunt getting a call from an unlisted number.

“I swear I am not a bill collector ma’am. It’s just. Well. Ok and I swear I am not a stalker even if this is actually going to be a very creepy phone call, but you said you were going to the mall at four? Is it possible you could reschedule or postpone that trip for about an hour? That mall is way too close to…well. It just wouldn’t be safe. I could wire you some money, and you could go to the much nicer mall one town over? Would that work for you? No? You are calling the police? Yes. Yes that is the sensible thing to do. Definitely do that. You have a nice day, ma’am. Tell Marcus Doctor Evil says hello and to have a nice day.”

And then the poor minion has to call the villain and explain why robbing X bank isn’t a good idea that day. 

“Yes. Hello. Sir? Oh good I caught you before you left the base. Look, Marcus Smithson’s aunt is going to be near the blast radius for that job you have scheduled so-yes. Yes I am aware that rescheduling is going to be a lot of work since most everything is already set up, but….but, sir think about poor Marcus! She’s his favorite aunt, and the woman refused to ‘reorder her life around some crazy mastermind’. ……no…..no, please do not kidnap the aunt, sir. It’s terribly rude. Yes I realize you weren’t going to keep her or doing anything other than drop her off at an alternative location, but, well, citizens frown upon that sort of thing and….yes….Yes, of course. You have a good day, too, sir.”

And they turn to their coworker and are just like “So if I don’t come in to work tomorrow it’s because Doctor Evil threw me in his dungeon and/or sent his hellhounds to maul me. Please remember to send help.”

Oooooh yes.

But but but… what happens when one falls through the cracks? When Lord Dominion or whatever does a typical baddie thing but then Penny’s new best friend gets caught up in the damage and Lord D didn’t even KNOW Penny had a new bestie so how was he to know but now the kid is devastated and it’s all his fault? I mean, how does that even shake out?

Penny SWEARS REVENGE! Lord D is distraught but also somewhat proud. He sends Penny a very sincere apology and also a bunch of tips on how to execute a proper vengeance plot, in case she decides not to accept the apology. He sends henchmen to spy on her, and he keeps the surveillance photos of her sitting in her room, plans and schematics strewn all over her desk. He puts them in his wallet and brags to all his villain friends that one of his kids is taking up scheming, look at her go, she’s already started on pattern analysis of his latest heists. He’s so proud. Later this month he’ll show up on her way home from school so she can have her first Confrontation.

omg yes. Yes to all of that. There will inevitably be mistakes and tragedies.

Penny is an intelligent kid. She catches on to the spying henchmen pretty quick and bribes some of them to her side with snacks. That first confrontation does not go like Lord Dominion expected because Penny has minions (minions that are using his OWN WEAPONS against him, even) 

Lord Dominion is the proudest villain ever, even if he did almost lose an ear thanks to the impeccable aim of a nine year old with a grudge. He does let the laser blast graze him just so he can have a scar to show people because that girl is a villain after his own heart.

He doesn’t want to ask his villain rivals to help her out because that would imply he doesn’t think she’s capable of eventually growing strong enough to kick his ass. Turns out Penny already thought of  that and has mailed letters asking for advice to Lady Sinister, Lord Dominion’s long time, mostly friendly rival. (She mailed a letter to Lord D’s arch nemesis, but man. Heroes are always trying to make you do The Right Thing. Penny doesn’t have time for the high road. Plus, the low road has lasers.)

Lady Sinister thinks Penny is the best thing ever and while she has mostly stopped kicking Lord D’s ass, she still breaks into his hideout to sit in his favorite chair with a glass of wine and brags about her new favorite up and coming villainess. (She doesn’t warn Lord D about the attack rabbits she agreed to train for Penny as a favor, and for obvious reasons, she is going to be a bystander at the next confrontation, filming everything on her phone to post the dark web so all their villain friends can see this)

Star Wars Age!Squash AU, Comic #06

Padawan Era - Master Windu & Anakin

After spending two years with the Initiates glued to Obi-Wan’s side, Anakin is chosen as Padawan by Master Windu, who had once been most vocal in objecting to Anakin’s presence in the Order. While the boy still has much to learn, Mace now sees great potential Anakin, impressed by his progress in adapting to the Jedi way. Anakin’s relative comfort with the Jedi is no doubt heavily influenced by his friendships with his peers, namely Garen Muln and Quinlan Vox, but mostly his increasingly deep bond with Obi-Wan, a fellow Initiate only two years his senior.

Anakin is still a bit wary of adult authority figures despite Obi-Wan’s insistence that they only want to help. He is especially careful around men, who he saw abuse his mother too many times on Tatooine. While Anakin deeply respects Master Windu and is more than a little awed to be chosen as his apprentice, he is also unsure of the Councilor’s intentions.

Mace’s former Padawan, Depa Billaba, helps break the ice. Anakin finds it much easier to trust her, unintentionally overlapping her reassuring presence with that of his mother’s. She becomes his closest confidant after Obi-Wan while he slowly learns to open up to his new Master, who patiently waits until he can earn Anakin’s trust.

This is part of the Star Wars Age!Squash AU. Find all other posts through THIS MASTERPOST. Update schedule for future posts will also be on the Masterpost!

OMG BRB READING ALL OF THIS NOW.

And now I shall rec the hell out of the first fanfic of my fanfic, which is, hey, AN ONGOING SERIES.

Go look, it’s fun.  :D

- Allison Meier in Atlas Abscura