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I literally haven’t stopped thinking about Liam for a second since October 16th. It’s insane because I closely followed and loved one direction in 2011-2015 and once they went on their “hiatus” I sort of stopped keeping up with them. I would check in on what Liam was up to here and there because he was my favorite member, but I wasn’t as immersed in the fandom as I once was. I found other things that I cared about and I went on living my life. I entered and graduated college. I found a career and genuinely moved on from fandoms and stan culture. Then this hit and now I feel like I’ve been transported to that 2011-2015 time period and I can’t get out. I’m sitting here angry and sad and hurt. Why did this have to happen? Why him? Why am I so damn affected by it as if I knew him when I didn’t. I don’t understand any of this. I’m genuinely so hurt for what could have been. I always rooted for him to find himself and stay clean. To be happy and live a good life with his son and family. Even though I wasn’t keeping up with him or any of the other boys, I deep down wanted the best for Liam and prayed he’d find his way. This fucking sucks and I hate it. I hate that I’m so sad and angry about it. I’m doom scrolling constantly and I can’t help but not think about him. I hate all of this. Especially for those that loved him. If a stranger like me can be so hurt, I cannot fathom the hurt those who knew and loved him feel.