Hey ya'll! https://www.instagram.com/kelsunflower I've transitioned to Instagram pretty much exclusively. If anyone has ever followed me and liked what I had to say, please follow me on Instagram! And please reblog to other body positive and wellness blogs if you can. Please and thanks! I've become a whole new human. Will continue to link her but please consider following @kelsunflower on Instagram! I'm in the beginning stages of a yoga challenge for Rachel Brathen. Come follow my progress! @kelsunflower

I took the day off tomorrow without pay, and that's okay.

I've been taking as much time off as possible lately and it's been really difficult for me to do. I know that's kind of a catch 22: working less is difficult. But it's difficult for me because I always feel guilty when I take time off, especially without pay. I'm not struggling to pay my bills but I have a lot of debt. School, car, credit cards... I'm always budgeting and trying not to spend too much on coffee, clothes, going out, etc. So when I take time off my demons start saying, "you need that money to pay off that credit card quicker... Today's pay could buy next week's groceries". That or it's, "you've already taken too many sick days, just suck it up and save up those sick days". Growing up my parents didn't have a lot of money, especially as I got older in middle /high school. And after 4 years of college, a car loan, and some over spending on my credit card... I tend to worry about money a lot. I've been living pay check to pay check since I started college in 2010. Now that I have my boyfriend of 5 years, Christopher, we are a team I am the most financially comfortable that I've ever been. He is very supportive of me and my emotional well being and helps me if I need to take time off without pay. There is no reason I should feel guilty. I am going through a lot. Every day I wake up ready to fight the demons that challenge me all day long. Trying to work a 9 to 5 job that is stressful while having a migraine or feeling really anxious or depressed is not an easy task. But the demons keep telling me I'm STRONG. I can push through it. But I don't have to be strong all the time. And if anything, it takes even more strength... A strength from a deeper place inside me, to accept taking the time to rest. Self care is important. Be conscious of the decisions you make, especially if you care about the place you work or are on a tight budget... But never forget that you deserve time to rest and heal from the never ending beautiful journey that is life.

This baby popped up in my “facebook memories” today. This picture was actually taken 7 years ago this coming May. it was my senior prom. Life was a little simpler then. My Dad cried when he saw me in my dress for the first time. I really LOVED this dress. I had to buy everything myself because my parents were struggling with money a lot at this time and thankfully I found this online at uniquevintage.com on super clearance size XXL and had someone take it in for me (weird to think how I was a size M/L then and had to get an XXL taken in... and right now I take a size XXL). I love this picture so much because my Dad looks so healthy and happy and so do I. Sometimes its hard for me to look at pictures of me when I was younger and thinner... its easy for me to fall into the mindset of “remember when” and “I wish I could go back to that body”..... But this picture is a memory now. You can’t get back what used to be. I’ll never have “that body” again. All I can do is look back fondly on older pictures of myself and look forward to the future by working on myself and my well-being and happiness every. single. day.

I left work early.... And that's ok.

So today I had to leave work early. It was only a half hour early but I STILL felt guilty about it. But what for? For taking care of myself? Self care is so important, especially when you're going through a hard time. I'm suffering from almost daily migraines, as well as an anxiety episode this afternoon. My eyes were glazed, eye lids felt so heavy I could hardly keep my eyes open, eyes even getting criss crossed... Constant (sometimes excessive) foot tapping, achey neck and shoulders, all muscles seemingly perpetually tense light sensitivity, nausea. Then I start feeling this way and it triggers my depression... And the negative thoughts just keep flowing in. Remember to know your limits folks. It's one thing to push yourself when you're having a hard day... But you can't ignore those moments when a tap out is necessary. You deserve rest and recovery.

Got so many compliments on my outfit today! Dress from Torrid and jacket is target plus. Paired with some cute black booties no wonder I got compliments, I look fabulous! I have been trying to dress nicer when I go to work especially because it always gives me a confidence boost. I dress up to make myself feel good. :) I'm proud of myself for wearing this too. This dress is very flattering on my figure (thank you torrid!) but it is sleeveless. One is my biggest Insecurities is my arms. I think my issues with my arms have to do with the fact that it is hard to hide them! No Spanks to tighten, no flattering cuts... But I'm getting over it, one dress at a time. :)

Updated my photo to a recent photo of myself.  It’s time to start living (and blogging) in the present.

Updated my description as well. I feel very liberated.

If anyone is reading... i just had an epiphany.

I just realized... just now... like 5 seconds ago while I was scrolling through tumblr... That I've been in denial a LONG time... about my confidence and self love. In 2010 I learned how to love myself. I became confident, started this blog, and was in a wonderful place in my life where I loved myself and was helping others love themselves in the process. But life beat the hell out of me and over time I lost a lot of that confidence and love for myself.  For at least 2 or 3 years I’ve been trying to get back into blogging regularly but it never would stick. I couldn’t figure out just WHY I couldn’t keep up with my blog and stay active. Part of it was depression and also just a very busy life... but I’m just realizing now that I think there was more to it than I thought.

Maybe I wasn’t blogging because I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was no longer confident. I used to be the person people went for for advice on how to love yourself and be confident in who you are... and I wanted to maintain that person. If I posted and wanted to maintain that image of a person I was... I would be lying. I did not fully admit to myself that that person is no longer here until just now. I was in denial and I stopped blogging as a coping mechanism.  But I’m not in denial anymore... ;-)