heyy can we do a sexy roleplay where im a prince from a fallen kingdom and youre the powerful warrior who has taken me for their own pleasure. yes? yipeeee ok so before we start first here's a google doc with the whole history of the fictional land we're both from and the intricate geopolitical workings of the- oh yeah and here's a supplementary doc on the agriculture and trade routes of said fictional land and stuff and yes this is important. the dirty talk has to be lore accurate

hi. hi. hi hello this one cannot be left in the tags thank you deeply so much tumblr user dorbu. you understand. you Get It... The Post...

my images...

Oropher: This is my son! Is he not the sweetest elfling you have ever seen?

Thranduil, the angriest looking baby alive: >:(

Gîl-galad: hm

Milennia later

Thranduil: This is my son. Is he not the most beautiful elfling you have ever seen?

Legolas, covered in mud with twigs and leaves caught in his hair: :D

Elrond: hm

Elladan and Elrohir: *bickering like typical siblings at the dinner table*

Thranduil: Control your barbaric children, Elrond. They should be more refined in company. They should behave more like my Legolas. *gestures grandly at his son*

Baby Legolas: *squatting in a tree breaking open an acorn with his teeth like a squirrel*

Elrond: ???????

Elrond and Celebrian are the unofficial record holders for the longest game of “hot or cold” in any creature's recorded or unrecorded history. 

Like for so many other people, one of Elrond's greatest qualities (loving to learn and gain knowledge) can also easily twist itself into one of his worst qualities (NEEDING to learn something if he knows there is information there to learn that he does not know.)  

As a close friend to Thranduil, Celebrian had learned a massive amount of knowledge from the Silvan elves that the Sindar and Noldor do not possess. Most interestingly to Elrond, is their vast and seemingly unending knowledge about the purposes and properties of various plants, herbs, insects, and other natural substances. How to extract them. And how to utilize them for different (often healing) qualites. 

However. 

Thranduil and the Silvan elves value secrecy and trust the same way that Elrond covets learning and knowledge. And what's directly in the middle between all of the available Silvan knowledge, and Elrond's grubby little hands? 

Celebrian. 

Surprisingly, the idea that Celebrian would be allowed to know so much of the Silvan ways had never occurred to Elrond until at least two hundred years into their marriage. He just sort of assumed that Thranduil would keep the same secrets from her that he did from Celeborn on the account of proximity to Galadriel. 

He assumed wrong. 

The realization came one one sunny spring day when a young human girl was brought to their gates in dire conditions, having been poisoned by a Goblin arrow for straying too closely to their camp while playing in the forest. 

Sadly, Elrond knew that anything he could offer them would not be strong enough to cure the human girl. And while other treatments might have worked, he had never seen them tested on mortal beings in the first place. Especially not a small, wounded girl. 

But Celebrian had assured him she knew what to do, and apparently she did. Elrond watched closely as she boiled the leaves three minutes longer than he would have done, and munched them into a paste rather than utilizing the water they had been boiled in. 

She added another herb to dilute it enough to be safe for human use, she told him, before putting it all back in the water to boil. She trained the mixture through a very fine cloth to strain it. Once it had been cooled enough, Celebrian fed a spoonful to the girl. 

And the little girl lived. 

Elrond realized that Celebrian would never break the trust that Thranduil had in her by telling him the secrets. But after several years of pestering, she did agree to give him hints whether he was getting closer or farther form the correct (and different way) to use organic material.  

The game continued until she was captured by the Orcs, after that her memory was too bad to remember all of the steps and ingredients. It did however, resume with vigor once all the elves were settled in the undying lands. 

When Elrond realizes that Aragorn has the same privileges and knowledge that Celebrian had, he also forces Aragorn to play the ‘Hot or cold’ game with him too. 

Galion, drunk but trying his best: Excuse me, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?

Based on @smhalltheurlsaretaken post

Thranduil: I know beating the absolute shit out of Maglor isn’t a replacement for therapy but damn does it come close.

Maglor: *intense sweating*

@smhalltheurlsaretaken Oropher is just standing at the gates of Valinor holding a baseball bat with nails in it like “come on music man. Show your bitch ass face.”

However bad Maglor thinks Thranduil is, Oropher is most definitely worse.

@deadqueernoldor cut to Oropher and at least a hundred other elves at the docks of Valinor, all holding frying pans, clubs, and various other ass-whupping tools, and smiling menacingly.

Some Valar bureaucrat holding a clipboard is like “and who are you?” And Oropher just goes “The welcoming party.”

Thranduil, dropping Elrond off at the airport: Have a safe flight

Elrond: I have no say in the matter.

Thranduil, already driving off: Die then

Elrond: If I died, how much would you miss me? 

Thranduil: It’s cute that you think death can get you out of this relationship.

Eomer: Do you know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple of Riders and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself because my uncle taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Faramir: I really appreciate that.

Eomer: Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face. No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake soldier. The sound of your piss hitting the fround, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you and then I'd bang your tuna sister.

Faramir: OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Harad, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle. You lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said, 'You know what, lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your - your pride, your children, your offspring...

Eomer: How are you going to do that?

Faramir: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're out-gunned and out-manned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.

it was only a question of time since i got my hands on this gay weapons generator…

Faramir edition