You know that John Mulaney bit where he's like "God made me gay in every way except to make me actually gay”?
Yeah.
Old Hollywood actresses + The Onion headlines
"I'm a helpless victim of a Hollywood whispering campaign. Because I don't let the producer and director kiss me every morning or let them paw me they have spread word around town that I am not a woman-that I am a cold piece of marble statuary. I guess Hollywood won't consider me as anything except a cold hunk of marvel until I divorce my husband, give my baby away and get my name and photograph in all the newspapers. If that's Hollywood's idea of being a woman I'm ready to quit now." -Maureen O'Hara
