Curses and Prayers for Commenters

I awoke this morning to the following comment on Power and Paradox:

“This fic is so tedious. You are the only person pushing this agenda of Poor Pitiful Tony the Sub that isn't using him as a paingully obvious crutch for projecting themselves into a fic and you are so much better than this. Other fic writers that have similar tastes and even more ability recognize yours. They don't bother with trying to make this kind of ego stroking pity party legitimate, so the dedication to this shuffling, sinking ship of a fic is bizarre. Take a page out of their book, keep Tony to stress relief and nonsensical rom coms, because if this is 70+ chapters of relief, there's more energy and pressure when you open a carbonated beverage.”

My mind is kind of boggled by the mean spiritedness of this. Not just that someone would go to the trouble of writing all this out to ruin another person’s day, but that they seem to think this will somehow encourage me to stop writing P&P and write other things more to their taste. Let me tell you, shit like this makes me want to finish P&P out of spite, then never write anything ever again.

But worse than that is the implication that if someone is writing to get through trauma, then they’re doing something wrong. That if it’s somehow about the self, it’s bad. Look, there are lots of reasons to write. They may not all produce great literary fiction, but they deserve to exist. So if writing through trauma is helpful to someone, why would you shit on them for taking comfort where they can and perhaps sharing it with others? (And yes, if it wasn’t blatantly obvious, I did start writing P&P while dealing with the aftermath of being sexual assaulted.)

But more basically: why ever choose to be mean?

So, here’s what I’ve got.

A Curse for Trolling Commenters:

May you find no fiction to your taste, whatever that taste may be.

And may your computer freeze and crash every time you try to leave a creator cruel words instead of kindness.

This curse cannot be lifted until you learn to act with empathy.

And, because there are so many more lovely people than not:

A Prayer for All Kind Commenters

May you find fiction to your taste,

May the updates come swiftly and at the times you need them most,

May you be blessed with every kindness you put into the world,

And inspired by the beauty around you.

Thanks for reading.

#fandom #trauma #writing #meta

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ms-meredith-milton

Power and Paradox Writer Rambling and Resolutions

Okay, gang. Here we go. This summer I’m going to make a BIG PUSH to get lots of P&P written (maybe drafted through to the end?). Because I’m starting to worry I’ll never finish… I basically don’t care about MCU canon anymore and working on P&P–much as I love it!–is starting to tip from ‘joy’ to ‘stress’ more and more often.

So. A few resolutions.

1) I’m going to skip anything that bores me. More hand waving ‘time passed; here’s what they did, anyway moving on …’ Because that needs to happen. And if it bores me writing it, it’s probably gonna bore you reading it.

2) Worry less. Ok. Easier said than done. But there are zillions of directions that I could expand this story–arcs I could persue, variations I could write. Maybe I’ll post one that isn’t as good as 22 other options. But it will exist and even if it’s not perfect it will probably be fine.

3) Some people won’t like stuff and I need to not worry or care. Mostly readers are polite enough to just quietly pass on by when they dislike things, but even if they don’t that’s not on me and I don’t have to please everyone. I’m not getting paid for this. It’s ok if it’s imperfect and I should enjoy writing and sharing and just bask in the kindness of people who DO like it.

I really REALLY REALLY want to finish Power and Paradox (and then maybe some of my other fics!) and I’m going to. Look at me go! *\o/*

If you want to cheer me on, I’ll take all the help I can get with gratitude. Musings and questions (about the characters, world building, whatever) are welcome! Also, if there are unanswered things in the fic (like, ‘why doesn’t Tony go into subspace?’) that you’re still wondering about, feel free to express interest or curiosities you may have.

And now, dear readers and kind friends, I’m pouring a scotch, blasting some AC/DC and DOING THIS!!!

ms-meredith-milton

Since making this resolution yesterday, I have written 1,200 words of the next chapter. IT’S WORKING!!! And my beta arrives for a visit on Wednesday.

NOTHING CAN STOP US! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Thanks to all for kind words and cheer leading! And if anybody is moved by my resolution and public self-pep talk, hit me up any time with your word count for praise and cheering. We can do this!!!!!)

#writing

ms-meredith-milton

Power and Paradox Writer Rambling and Resolutions

Okay, gang. Here we go. This summer I’m going to make a BIG PUSH to get lots of P&P written (maybe drafted through to the end?). Because I’m starting to worry I’ll never finish... I basically don’t care about MCU canon anymore and working on P&P--much as I love it!--is starting to tip from ‘joy’ to ‘stress’ more and more often.

So. A few resolutions.

1) I’m going to skip anything that bores me. More hand waving ‘time passed; here’s what they did, anyway moving on . . .’ Because that needs to happen. And if it bores me writing it, it’s probably gonna bore you reading it.

2) Worry less. Ok. Easier said than done. But there are zillions of directions that I could expand this story--arcs I could persue, variations I could write. Maybe I’ll post one that isn’t as good as 22 other options. But it will exist and even if it’s not perfect it will probably be fine.

I really REALLY REALLY want to finish Power and Paradox (and then maybe some of my other fics!) and I’m going to. Look at me go! *\o/*

And now, dear readers and kind friends, I’m pouring a scotch, blasting some AC/DC and DOING THIS!!!

#writing #P&P #stony #THUNDERSTRUCK!!!!#fic #power & paradox

ms-meredith-milton

My Muse has terrible timing and poor focus

Me (on a lazy weekend where I don't have to work): Ok, Muse! Let's do this! Time to bang out the next chapter of P&P. Muse: Lol. NOPE! Me: Ok, but, come on... just a little more? I've blocked out this time specially to write! Muse: Lol. NOPE!

Me: I’ve reread all my notes for the new chapters; maybe I could just flesh out a few spots and .. .

Muse: Lol. NOPE!

By contrast:

Me (frantically trying to meet a deadline for which I really need to work 10 hours every day for a sustained period because I’m giving a 45 minute invited talk at a super famous institution for lots of important people in my field): Must. Focus. Muse: OMG HERE'S A NEW FIC! Me: Must. FOCUS. Muse: LOOK, I'VE BASICALLY WRITTEN IT ALL FOR YOU! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TYPE THE WORDS DOWN! Me: MUST FOCUS. Muse: QUICK! YOU MUST TYPE THE WORDS DOWN BEFORE I TAKE IT AWAY AND IT'S GONE FOREVER!!!!!! Me: Ok, shit. Just some notes.

*hours and hours later* Me: Uh, well, everything else is behind schedule but I just wrote 40 pages of brand new fic....

Me: Shit.

Also me: But I’m really excited about the new story I’ve started (even though I vowed not to start new stories until I finished P&P…)

#writing #fic #muse #bad timing

ms-meredith-milton

hey friends! guess what?

I’M FINALLY WRITING AGAIN AND IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!

Yeah. That isn’t to say that the writing itself is amazing (yet), but it’s not feeling like a sad slog anymore. (The political despair, rage, and heartbreak just ruined P&P for me for a while and it was so hard to get clear of that and for a while I worried I never would.) But now I’m finally back in the head space for writing.

And writing is fun again!

While on hiatus, I reread all of P&P start to finish. (And, since I’m dyslexic and have a VERY SLOW reading speed, that’s kinda huge!) And I still felt like it was pretty good! There were even parts of the story I’d totally forgotten until I got there and was like, “Oh yeah! This part! I liked this part!” And I cried over Steve a few (okay, many) times. And Tony. And Rhodey.

And in some chapters I reread comments. So many kind, generous, loving comments. I’m so grateful to you all. I really cannot thank you enough, cliched though that is to say.

Not quite sure when the next chapter will be ready, but I’m finally feeling confident that the next chapter will happen and not in too too much longer! (Might even be soon-ish if I can free up a little more time and squash my inner anxious perfectionist--stupid voice is saying that after such a long absence the new chapter has to be the most amazingly perfect brilliant genius thing ever. Stupid voice is stupid.)

Thank you so much to everyone who has sent comments, questions, cat gifs, and kind thoughts or prayers. You’re all wonderful.

((((hugs)))

#p&p #writing update #writing

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“Getting” yourself to write

Yesterday, I was trawling iTunes for a decent podcast about writing. After a while, I gave up, because 90% of them talked incessantly about “self-discipline,” “making writing a habit,” “getting your butt in the chair,” “getting yourself to write.” To me, that’s six flavors of fucked up.

Okay, yes—I see why we might want to “make writing a habit.” If we want to finish anything, we’ll have to write at least semi-regularly. In practical terms, I get it.

But maybe before we force our butts into chairs, we should ask why it’s so hard to “get” ourselves to write. We aren’t deranged; our brains say “I don’t want to do this” for a reason. We should take that reason seriously.

Most of us resist writing because it hurts and it’s hard. Well, you say, writing isn’t supposed to be easy—but there’s hard, and then there’s hard. For many of us, sitting down to write feels like being asked to solve a problem that is both urgent and unsolvable—“I have to, but it’s impossible, but I have to, but it’s impossible.” It feels fucking awful, so naturally we avoid it.

We can’t “make writing a habit,” then, until we make it less painful. Something we don’t just “get” ourselves to do.

The “make writing a habit” people are trying to do that, in their way. If you do something regularly, the theory goes, you stop dreading it with such special intensity because it just becomes a thing you do. But my god, if you’re still in that “dreading it” phase and someone tells you to “make writing a habit,” that sounds horrible.

So many of us already dismiss our own pain constantly. If we turn writing into another occasion for mute suffering, for numb and joyless endurance, we 1) will not write more, and 2) should not write more, because we should not intentionally hurt ourselves.

Seriously. If you want to write more, don’t ask, “how can I make myself write?” Ask, “why is writing so painful for me and how can I ease that pain?” Show some compassion for yourself. Forgive yourself for not being the person you wish you were and treat the person you are with some basic decency. Give yourself a fucking break for avoiding a thing that makes you feel awful.

Daniel José Older, in my favorite article on writing ever, has this to say to the people who admonish writers to write every day:

Here’s what stops more people from writing than anything else: shame. That creeping, nagging sense of ‘should be,’ ‘should have been,’ and ‘if only I had…’ Shame lives in the body, it clenches our muscles when we sit at the keyboard, takes up valuable mental space with useless, repetitive conversations. Shame, and the resulting paralysis, are what happen when the whole world drills into you that you should be writing every day and you’re not.

The antidote, he says, is to treat yourself kindly:

For me, writing always begins with self-forgiveness. I don’t sit down and rush headlong into the blank page. I make coffee. I put on a song I like. I drink the coffee, listen to the song. I don’t write. Beginning with forgiveness revolutionizes the writing process, returns its being to a journey of creativity rather than an exercise in self-flagellation. I forgive myself for not sitting down to write sooner, for taking yesterday off, for living my life. That shame? I release it. My body unclenches; a new lightness takes over once that burden has floated off. There is room, now, for story, idea, life.

Writing has the potential to bring us so much joy. Why else would we want to do it? But first we’ve got to unlearn the pain and dread and anxiety and shame attached to writing—not just so we can write more, but for our own sakes! Forget “making writing a habit”—how about “being less miserable”? That’s a worthy goal too!

Luckily, there are ways to do this. But before I get into them, please absorb this lesson: if you want to write, start by valuing your own well-being. Start by forgiving yourself. And listen to yourself when something hurts.

Next post: freewriting

Ask me a question or send me feedback! Podcast recommendations welcome…

ms-meredith-milton

My new favorite writing blog.

Luckily writing P&P is usually a joy, but for the times it brings pain and frustration, these are some things I’ll be keeping in mind.

#writing #compassion #fic