Chapter 2: Getting the Potion

Fair Maid 

“Hmm, tricky, tricky,” said Plum. “But I think I have just to potion. Fairies aren’t allowed in the Forest, so I’ll need to turn you into a goblin. The magic lasts from one full moon to the next – go to the border tonight and drink the potion, and you’ll be changed. You won’t have your wings, I warn you right now. Still willing to risk it?” 

“Yes,” said Marianne. “This is … all I’ve ever wanted.” 

“Alright – open your wings and hold still.” 

She opened them, fanning them out, and Plum began to sing. 

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My, What A Guy, That Roland!

(A rewrite of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, somewhat inspired by @humanityinahandbag‘s post on the subject and sung by Roland in Chapter 24 of Taking the Feisty One, in snippets - I wrote the whole thing so I could pace it properly but it doesn’t all appear in the story. Original lyricist Howard Ashman; tune by Alan Menkin. Formerly titled The Ballad of Roland’s Ego, despite the obvious flaw of not being a ballad.) 

Let me introduce myself; I am Roland. 

The pleasure and honour is yours. 

Of course you’ve heard of me; I am Roland. 

I don’t need to, but I’ll say more. 

No one else could be as admired as me. 

I’m everyone’s favorite guy. 

The whole Kingdom’s awed and inspired by me, 

And it’s not very hard to see why! 

No one’s brave as Roland; 

Saves the day like Roland; 

No one’s glory scares monsters away like Roland! 

There’s no knight in the kingdom as valiant; 

Perfect, a pure paragon! 

I’m so charming and handsome and gallant, 

And it’s over me all of the ladies fawn. 

No one charms like Roland; 

Can disarm like Roland; 

No one’s never seen out of armor like Roland – 

Can I help it if it flatters me perfectly? 

It matches my hair and eyes! 

My shiny gold hair, 

My bright green eyes; 

I know I’m gorgeous – 

No one can get enough! 

Who’s got abs like Roland’s? 

Your gaze grabs like Roland? 

Handsomeness could almost drive you mad like Roland’s? 

My features have no unseemly angles; 

As you see, I’ve got good looks to spare. 

My face looks like it was carved by angels, 

But even that’s nothing compared to my hair! 

No one has curls like Roland’s – 

Woos the girls like Roland – 

When out riding, no one rides a squirrel like Roland! 

It’s not necessary to wear a helmet – 

Covering these looks is a crime! 

When I was a boy I brushed one hundred strokes 

Through my hair to keep it looking fine. 

Now that I’m a man, I brush one thousand strokes 

And I must say that I look divine! 

No one’s proud as Roland; 

So bow down to Roland! 

No one could look as good in a crown as Roland! 

Just a matter of time till the coronation … 

Long live the King – 

Roland!

(I have also written a version of this song about the Bog King, which you can read via this elegant and finely crafted link.)

My, What A Guy, That Bog King!

(A pre-movie parody of the goblins trying to cheer Bog up one spring, inspired by @dainesanddaffodils​‘ comment-in-tags here. A rewrite of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast; original lyricist Howard Ashman; tune by Alan Menkin.) 

We’ve cut down all the primroses, Bog King, 

So please stop looking so down. 

Come on, strike some dramatic poses, Bog King. 

You’re a drama king of renown. 

“What?” 

No one in the Forest’s as mighty as you. 

So bristling, wrathful, and cross! 

No one gets angry or smite-y like you, 

And that is why you are the boss! 

We all fear the Bog King, 

And revere the Bog King; 

We don’t dare to be less than sincere to Bog King! 

He may be blistering with distrust, 

But the goblins serve him loyally. 

You can ask any Thang, Stuff, or Brutus; 

They’re all devoted to him absolutely! 

No one’s big like Bog King; 

Got the wings like Bog King; 

No one’s got such a long and sharp chin as Bog King! 

“I suppose that, yes, I’m intimidating!” 

My, what a guy, that Bog King! 

First he’ll say ‘what’, 

Then he’ll kick your butt – 

And who else could match 

His awesome power strut? 

No one fights like Bog King – 

Smashes lights like Bog King –

No one fills your whole being with fright like Bog King! 

For there’s none so unquestionably evil, 

As vicious, as sharp, or as strong! 

The Bog King will not stand for upheaval, 

So watch out if you bring a message to him wrong! 

No one’s trouble like Bog – 

Pops your bubble like Bog – 

No one’s face has that thorny stubble quite like Bog! 

“I’ve got a face only my mother could love – 

But don’t tell her I said that!” 

When he was a lad he was learning to rule 

The Dark Forest when he came of age … 

Now that he’s in charge he’s focused on one rule – 

All loving the Bog King’s forbade! 

No one’s grim like Bog King! 

Scaly-limbed like Bog King; 

Banned an emotion on a whim like Bog King – 

“Stop the song before I start decapitating!” 

My, what a guy… 

That Bog! 

(I have also previously written a Roland-based version of this song, which can be reached through this elegant and finely-crafted link.)

Roland Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Song parody of ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’, inspired by a human-AU, “What Christmas Means to Me, or, Strange Carolers”, by tmwillson3, who does not seem to be on tumblr. I thought about saving this for Christmas, but then I realized Christmas in July fell on a Monday this year! 

Original lyrics by Randy Brooks; song first performed by Elmo and Patsy Trigg Shropshire in 1979; popularized in Canada in the 1980s by the band ‘the Irish Rovers,’ which is probably the version I’m familiar with. I can barely believe I actually rewrote all six verses. It started out with just the chorus … 

I like to imagine Dawn and Sunny are the ones singing, so I put their names in. If you feel this detracts from the flow of the song, feel free to read the FFnet or AO3 versions instead.

Dawn and Sunny together: 

Roland got run over by a reindeer, Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve. His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled, So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

Sunny: 

He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He’d been following her for hours. When she slammed the door in his face, He lurked on her porch all night with flowers.

Dawn: 

When we found him, Christmas morning, All marked up with pointy hooves, He was face-down in a snowbank, So his company was much improved.

Dawn and Sunny together: 

Roland got run over by a reindeer, Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve. His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled, So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

Dawn: 

Now we’re all so proud of Boggy. He’s hardly gloated at all. He just laughed and took some pictures, Then on the internet, posted them all.

Sunny: 

At last it’s a merry Christmas; A time of joy and calm and peace … At least until Dawn hangs the mistletoe, And pushes Marianne and Bog beneath.

Dawn and Sunny together: 

Roland got run over by a reindeer, Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve. His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled, So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

Sunny: 

Roland’s unashamed of his behaviour, But he’d hide in a hole, if he could dig. An antler practically scalped him! And now Roland has to wear a wig.

Dawn: 

Here’s the moral of our story. It’s a point I hope is clear: If you stalk and harass your ex-partner, You should be trampled by an angry deer.

Dawn and Sunny together: 

Roland got run over by a reindeer, Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve. His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled, So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

You’re A Tough One, Marianne

“You’re A Mean One, Mister Grinch” rewritten as Bog romantically serenading Marianne. 

You’re a tough one, 

Marianne, 

Crushing foes under your heel, 

And you make them thank you for it; 

Vicious as a leopard seal, 

Marianne! 

An amazing fighter and you’re 

Sharper than steel! 

You’re amazing, 

Marianne. 

Your heart’s my only goal! 

Your brain is full of brilliance. 

You’ve an equally brilliant soul, 

Marianne! 

And you hit so powerfully … 

Maybe stronger than a black hole! 

You’re so vicious, 

Marianne. 

Though there aren’t fangs in your smile, 

Something about it reminds me 

Of a hungry crocodile, 

Marianne! 

Given the choice between the two of you, 

I’m less scared of the crocodile! 

You’re ferocious, 

Marianne; 

A trait no one can debunk! 

You’re punchier than fruit punch and 

Your spirit’s full of spunk, 

Marianne! 

A phrase I’ve heard describe your style is as follows, 

And I quote: 

“Fairy 

Princess 

Punk!” 

You are gorgeous, 

Marianne … 

Hotter than a volcano! 

Your wings are made of amethyst 

When the moon sets them aglow, 

Marianne! 

Your eyes are a beautiful shade of brown, 

Outlined with dark makeup that faintly glitters in a manner reminiscent of distant nebulae, 

The contrast of which turns your eyes gold! 

You terrify me, 

Marianne; 

You send shivers down my spine. 

You frighten and inspire me 

Until I speak in rhyme, 

Marianne! 

I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to kiss you – 

All of the time! 

(The original song was famously written by Dr Seuss for the movie adaptation of his story ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’, in which it was performed by Thurl Ravenscroft; due to a credit omission in the film, the singing is occasionally misattributed to narrator Boris Karloff. 

I was going to rewrite it to be about Bog, but ‘Bog King’ didn’t have enough syllables, ‘Boggy-Woggy’ had too many, and ‘Mister Bog’ suggested it was a Human AU. Then I realized the ‘Marianne’ was a perfect syllable match and that I haven’t rewritten any songs to be about her yet.)