John: *accidentally sees a box of condom in the garbage*
John: *reads the label* ꒪ꄱ꒪!!!
Later
Dick: Jay, did you say something weird to John?
Jason: Uh...no?
Dick: He suddenly hugged me and said he admires my endurance.
Bruce: I need you to be Batman and cover me tonight
Dick: Okie dokie!
Later
Dick in the Bat suit: *winds blow* *cape blows* *bottom revealed!*
Criminals: That's not Batman, that's Nightwing in a Bat suit!
Dick: This is pointless.
I just love the idea that the Batfamily tease Dick all the time but secretly not so secretly they’re all afraid of him because they may work with Bruce but Dick basically raised all of them? And they sometimes use him as a self-defense material against each other.
Like if Jason ever steals the last cookies in the jar and holds them over his head not because he wants to eat but simply because he wants to fuck around with Damian:
Jason: Whatcha gonna do, itsy bitsy?
And Damian gets frustrated and angered and he starts calling Dick at the top of his lungs. Jason drops his face and stuffs the cookies into Damian’s mouth in panic to shut him up.
Jason: It’s all yours!
Or when Damian and Tim fight each other and Damian goes overboard so Tim records everything.
Tim: That’s it. I’m sending this to Dick
Damian: Wait no-
And not just the Batkids, even Bruce...
Damian: *going out of control and killing people*
Bruce: *already dialing Dick’s number*
And sometimes, even Alfred.
Bruce: *explain about a crazy mission that very likely puts his kids’ lives and himself at risk*
Alfred: Sir, are you sure master Dick would agree to this?
Bruce: ...
Also Bruce: *start planning everything again from scratch*
Family tradition
Bruce to his 9yo Robin: Look, Dick. Everything the dark touches is our kingdom.
Willis to baby infant Jason: Look, son. Everything the dark touches is our kingdom.
Jason to 15yo John: Look, punk. Everything the dark touches...
Dick, somewhere at the back: Would you quit it!
Jason: I'm keeping the family tradition!
Headcanon: Bruce’s bedroom isn’t the biggest
Bruce: So this is your room. This place will be your home from now on
8 yo excited Dick: Wow, it’s so big! Is this the biggest bedroom in your house?
Bruce: Actually...it’s not.
8 yo sad puppy eyes Dick: Oh...okay.
Bruce: ...
Later in the day
Alfred: Sir, why are you moving your belongings?
Why these two can never keep their relationship a secret
Jason: *making tea* Milk, honey?
Dick: Yes please.
Dick: *sipping his tea* Where's my honey?
Tim:
Bruce:
Damian:
Alfred:
Jason: Shit.
How Jason deals with hairstyles
Jason: *grabs Tim's head in the middle of his nap* *pulls his bang into a pineapple ponytail* Hair off the face you fucking hobo!
Jason: *wrestles Damian down the ground and shaved off his head* your spiky hurts my eyes, physically
Damian: *howling at the back*
Also Jason: *touch Dick's nape* You're perfect the way you are
Dick: ???
Nightwing: *breathes*
Morally ambiguous middle age men: He's beautiful.
Jason: Why people keep getting bad opinions about me, like I'm impulsive or have an anger issue?
Dick: *hands ahead* Jason, littlewing, put Damian and the C4 down, we can talk about this.
Dick: Littlewing!
Dick: Baby bird!
Dick: Little D!
6ft3 Jason, 6ft Tim and 5ft11 Damian looking down 5ft10 Dick: ...Yes?
Jason: Once I was hit by lightning, and I survived.
Dick: *gasp* that was dangerous! When?
Jason: When I first met you.
Jason: Ah, look at the sun, and the wind, and the sky. Such a beautiful day, perfect for meeting some old friends, having a little picnic, washing the car, or throwing someone off a 60 story building.
Dick: Jason no!
Tim: *texts furiously a full sketch of the operation with time and date and plans and details*
Jason: K
Tim: Well Potassium you too, jerk!
Jason: What do you want? A periodic table?
Jason: *kneels down* *kiss Dick's feet* *murmurs sweet nothing* I'll do anything for you, my lovely Prince.
Tim: Jason, can you pass the salt please?
Also Jason: Fuck it, bitch! I ain't slave to nobody.
Damian: Grayson, I want a dog.
Dick: Can't. Tim's allergic to animal hair.
Damian: Oh thank God. Can we get rid of him and get the dog now?
*Gotham Gazette interview *
Bruce Wayne: So this house has lasted for over a century, let me show you the living area...
*smoke alarm goes off, fire everywhere, Damian laughing maniacally over a yelling Tim*
Bruce: *slams the door shut* My apology, I was going to say the kitchen...
*explosion happens, the oven goes boom, Dick screaming Alfred*
Bruce: *blocks the camera* Sorry, I mean the garage. Right, the garage.
*engine roars, smoke everywhere, Jason laughing "Mine, mine, mine!!!"*
Reporter: Mr. Wayne-
Bruce: How about the garden! The garden is really nice.
*shot fired, Alfred slowly walks from afar dragging an unlucky thief out of the bush with a shotgun on his shoulder*
Bruce: ...
Bruce: So, do you wanna see the pets?
Jason, to thug: You know, if you keep being in this kind of business, you're gonna get killed some day.
Jason: *shoots thug*
Jason: Kinda like that.