Inktober 09 ⁙ Sun

– Wayward Son

(This is just crack, besties)

Look at that lad!

tripping over stars

fic by @mooncello, art by me for @carry-on-big-bang

I'm very excited to share my pieces for cobb, its such a great concept, heath was an amazing partner and I had so much fun drawing stuff out of my comfort zone (even got me drawing again), until next year 💜

WIP Wednesday

Hey everyone! I've finally got something to post for you, and I'm very excited to share it. First of all, thank you so much to @monbons, @roomwithanopenfire, and @youarenevertooold for tagging me! And everyone else that tagged me last week! Okay, before I share the snippet, I have an announcement to make. This fic is COMPLETE!!!! I'll be posting it on Simon's birthday, so be on the lookout! This will be my second time posting a fic in this fandom, and I can't wait to see everyone's reactions to it! Until then, a teaser.

And there we have it! For the rest of this fic, it'll be posted on Friday! No pressure tags and hellos:

@youarenevertooold @bookish-bogwitch @artsyunderstudy @iamamythologicalcreature @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

@arthurkko @mooncello @beastmonstertitan @valeffelees @thewholelemon

@blackberrysummerblog @raenestee

Simon chooses Baz

Bears repeating the extent to which Simon didn't think or process, and thus didn't make choices. He's used to being angry or sad (anger being the one big emotion he's grown sort of "comfortable" with so he defaults to that when faced with other big emotions, such as a homosexual longing or an infuriating troublemaking roommate) but doesn't want to examine the source of those emotions. He's very observant – a lot enters his radar – but his traumatic upbringing makes it so he's used to "hiding everything away in boxes," waiting until he has the tools to figure out what that information means... but it's harder to get there if he avoids processing. This avoidance results in him essentially relinquishing control of his life – he relies on expectations and other people to dictate his life (having roles, instructions, a mission or a map). He has a generally idea of what he wants: he wants to be happy, to have a place in the world – Watford has a place for him, and so it's a place that makes him happy... but outside of that, he doesn't know what he wants. How can he know what might actually make him happy if he refuses to process even the smallest things?...

He relies on everyone else to choose so he doesn't have to.

Even Watford, a place that makes him happy... practically every part of the way he exists in that place is dictated by others. The mage gave him a role and controls Simon's relationship with the world of mages – Simon does and thinks what he's told. Even fighting, which is the one situation where Simon is relying on himself... he's fighting in the way the mage has taught him, and the fact that he even fights at all He relies on Penny to make decisions about everything else in his life – he doesn't even want to make choices about his own clothes (liking that Watford has uniforms and hoping Penny might dress him after school is over). He dates because he's expected to with the kind of person he's been conditioned to believe he would want, which is still not wanting (the genuine want comes from feelings of neglect and inadequacy, of wanting to be like her, and not actually wanting her). And when he dates? everything about the way things go down on the page indicates that he relies on Agatha to make all the choices, too. I'll keep bringing this up because the way people interpret/portray these two has been the most constant source of frustration and disappointment for me: she sets the pace. Part of challenging heteronormativity in these books is that typical expectations of boys and girls explain how Agatha and Simon find themselves dating, but don't actually fit them (I never find anyone doubting Agatha's "I don't want to be here" vibe, but the shit I have seen simply because Simon is a boy, even though he gives the same "I don't wanna be here" vibes, and gives you even more to work with because he has more pages...). Even when he feels like he wants to break up (but hasn't processed enough to identify this like this), he waits until Agatha makes the choice for both of them ("The endgame is when happiness starts" he basically says, implying he hasn't been happy with her, "I waited until Agatha gave up on me" implying he was expecting that to come, among other things... it's not an example of Simon's resilience and fighting spirit, no matter what Simon might think, but of his refusal to make choices for himself, which requires processing) (iirc I have posted about this, it really does require it own post)

Then there's Baz...

Even the way Simon is meant to perceive and engage with Baz has been decided for him, but with Baz, Simon starts to want... little by little, he breaks out of the structure, until he has no choice but to choose.

Simon tries to structure his life with lists, but Baz defies all structure: Simon tells (without telling you, he's a very "show no tell" person) that he misses Baz more than anything he mentions in his "things I like and miss about Watford" (way before he specifically says "I missed him so much every summer") because he keeps thinking about him way before he even brings the list (even in life or death situations, where you expect his mind to go to Penny, his partner in crime... there's Baz. What would Baz do, and Baz is so competent and pretty etc). Baz is there before the list, but he also interrupts it with him, which is also a sign of how his feelings for him can't be contained (way before he specifically expresses he feels like his body is not big enough to contain his feelings for Baz).

He has been told how Baz should be defined in his life (nemesis) but Simon never truly defines him himself until he's asking Baz to be boyfriends ("I want to be your terrible boyfriend"). He resists Penny referring to Baz as "his sworn enemy" ("I didn't swear anything" could sound like he's blaming Baz, but his instinct here is to downplay the perception that Baz is his enemy for real – an instinct that persists whenever Baz tries to refer to himself that way, too.

Simon can't stay away from Baz. Even when he says he is, he isn't. He just varies the intensity with which he follows Baz everywhere – it's painful to be so close (yet so far) but to be completely away from him is more painful. He explains it with the tools he has been given, but the truth is that he just wants to spend time with Baz, to be part of his life and his hobbies. He wants to watch Baz play football. He wants to listen to Baz's music. When something is important for Baz, Simon wants to be there. He wants to know what Baz is up to ("is he plotting?" ... is he thinking about Simon as much as Simon thinks about him?). In that sense, the time Simon spends following Baz everywhere is Simon doing what he wants. It's the one aspect in his life when he's choosing something – no one expects him to be following Baz everywhere all them time, and yet... one might say he's even discouraged from doing this, and yet... (I mean, he's using the time one might dedicate to pursue their own hobbies simply to watch Baz...)

Baz knows what he wants, but he won't choose. He won't dare make the choice that would make him happy – his own traumas stop him. Simon chooses before he figures out what he wants – he figures it out on the go. If he can't help following Baz everywhere because he wants to be part of his life, if he misses Baz terribly when he's not actually rooming with him, what would life be without Baz at all? Before this point, there have been multiple signs indicating Simon that he wants Baz. He has had a taste of being without him, not knowing what happened at all. The certainty of losing him forever is the biggest detonator there is – going against years of conditioning, of not making decisions for himself and by himself, of conforming to roles and expectations, of not processing... Later, he says "I've lost everything but I still have Baz, so I still feel like I've got the better end of the deal." As long as Baz is here... that's Simons' choice.

“We are who we know ourselves to be, and we are what we love.”

mom said its MY turn to redesign baz based solely on vibes

“Come here, Snow.”

A spiritual part 2 to this

Keeping Neverland

Excerpt from Lost Boys, Chapter 2, by @mooncello

(I can't believe it's taken me a month to post the art from chapter 2 of this beautiful, beautiful fic, but here it is at last! Of course, it's been viewable inside the story this whole time so if you haven't seen it yet... well. Ahem. XD)

Keep reading below the cut for some extra info on what went into this particular illustration!

Hello! I don't have any new words to share from Basil Pitch's Diary, but thought I'd share the BPD plot timeline that lives over my desk. Here it is, redacted but for one spoiler.

Art credits from top left: Basilton Grimm-Bitch by @artsyunderstudy Baz Pitch by @dead-cherry-bitch "Twinkle, twinkle little star!" by @dancingwdinosaurs

I just needed to physically move things around to grasp what could / should go when. When I finish writing an event, the paper slip comes down. (It's not to scale in terms of chronology--this started about halfway through the story.) At this point I've changed a lot and it's out of date but I've kept it up for inspiration. I mean--look at him! He deserves an HEA.

Tags & hullo to @facewithoutheart, @thewholelemon, @cutestkilla, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @mooncello,

@raenestee, @rimeswithpurple, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @hushed-chorus, @emeryhall, and anyone reading this.

Lost Boys

Rating: Mature | Words: 17.2k | Chapters: 2/5

This is a story about loneliness and love. A story about feeling lost and being seen, growing up and forging your own path forward.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Lost Boys: Chapter 2

New chapter is live! Our darling Baz is growing up. Also: Niall and Dev. (My beloveds.) Also: a new, gorgeous illustration by @iamamythologicalcreature. 🩵 

Three lost boys (found)

Excerpt from Lost Boys, by @mooncello

I am so excited to announce that I'll be adding illustrations to @mooncello's absolutely gorgeous (and highly inspirational) fanfic "Lost Boys." I've been fangirling this story from the first sampling I read on a wipsday post, and getting to illustrate Heath's beautiful prose is an absolute dream.

If you haven't read Chapter 1 yet, now's an excellent time to do so! You can get the full context for the illustration above, and see a higher res version, if you so desire.

Thank you for inviting me to play in your sandbox, Heath! <3