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Jabbas, rated

There are many Jabbas in this world, but not all Jabbas are created equal. Some Jabbas are better than others. Some… are worse.

Jim Henson Puppet Jabba

This is it. The original flavor. The Ur Jabba. The definitive Jabba from which all other Jabbas are derived. You can fit so many fucking dudes inside this puppet, it’s wild. There are like four guys inside him making his body wiggle, it’s like a frat party. Very impressive. Despite the production quality and the effort of the puppeteers, I don’t find him to be a very believable alien design because… is he a vertebrate? He’s built like a vertebrate, but his entire lower body and tail sit at a 90 degree angle. I worry about his sacroiliac. 9/10

Forbidden Jabba: The Wonderful Human Being

Northern Irish actor Declan Mulholland is the actual Original Jabba. This scene was shot but cut from final release when the stop-motion intended to replace Declan didn’t work out, and he was a very different character. I love that he looks like a Star Trek guest character portraying Friar Tuck in a low-budget costume someone fished out of a bin. Sadly, the forbidden nature of his existence is the only interesting thing about him. 2/10 for design, personality, and execution, bumpted up to 5/10 by virtue of being Forbidden. 

1997 Restored CGI Jabba

Oh god. What can I say about this Jabba? A picture says a thousand words. In 1997, George Lucas re-released A New Hope with some infamous changes, including the restored original scene with Jabba, replacing dear old Declan with… with this. A shambling, poorly-textured, deflated husk of a slug that clipped through the scene and wore an expression of heartbroken terror. Don’t you just love him? I adore this Jabba. This Jabba is a monument to man’s hubris, a portent of doom and the folly of he who reaches further than his grasp. You look at him and you are filled with pity and a desire to protect him from the man who thought he was fit to be released into the world. Oh, right in my pathos! This Jabba is my beloved ward, and I will hear no ill of him. Look at him. He was never meant to be removed from the depths of the sea.. he’s wilting… he needs help, and love, and a synthetic exoskeleton that will keep him from caving in upon himself and crushing his own organs. He’s like a mildewed paper bag that you could put your foot through. Please don’t hurt him. 10/10

MORE JABBAS UNDER THE HUTT

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UPDATED: NOW WITH MORE JABBAS!

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Good news: I think this most recent update may be the last. I have rated just about all the canon Jabbas there are to be rated. My work here is done…

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