Hopefully soon. At some point in September 2024. I still check the comment notifications to all AO3 works and it is amazing that TPN fics are still circulating, thank you so much!!

//

On a life update from my side, it has been a wild ride because I helped someone close to me to prepare a wedding. I couldn't even imagine it would be this wild but thankfully it is settled now. I also work full time and kind-of WIP on building a side hussle, and social life is social life-ing so even though I had it on my mind to "just get on laptop and update the fics" I didn't feel the emotional energy to write all that. But!! Even without the asks and comments I was planning to get the "theoretical/on-paper" things done in September (since August was full of practical work and travel) so yes, I will at some point in these 3 weeks, visit a coffee shop and write it up. EXCITED

Gonna update Conflict on Norman's birthday March 21st

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you all are amazing. ❤️ I am going to update Conflict today as I promised! I need to skim through to chapter and change the ending, so I will put some time aside for it.

It's a busy day so I don't know when I can get to it (trust me, I'd rather do it first but I have an exam and a work assignment and a date and a meeting and a cosplay photoshoot), but I definitely will. I am so excited and proud to the fact that I can actually stick through my update-deadlines for second time in a row in 2024. 🙏🏻✨

The next-next update will be on March 21st, Norman's birthday! 🎂 And after that, I think we run out of special-dates so I could maybe check which TPN character has a birthday in which month and post on their birthdays. If not, maybe the birthdays of the mangaka or voice actors. 😂 And of course, July 1st.

I know these deadlines are artificial and I don't have to stick to them, but if there is one thing I learned in the recent years, it's the fact that external validation/dates can only go so far. If I want to actually work on my dreams, I have to take the control and make my own deadlines. I am a bubbly person by nature either ways so it feels so much more fun to set internal deadlines for external special days feels like the perfect balance for me. So much more motivating to update on Valentine's Day than just a random wednesday, so!

じんぜいおたのしましょ、おねえっさんたち！

And of course.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAMUDA!!!! Love of my life, my kin, my everything.

Replying back to the comments on Conflict, please bear with me as I haven't binge-replied all. 🥲 They all mean so much to me, so I want to take my time processing them before I write something back. ❤️

I am not "overwhelmed" by pending tasks or replies as I used to be in the past anymore!! I did a lot of work on procrastination etc., so it isn't a matter of me being overwhelmed, I just want to take my time enjoying the interaction we had after 2 years. I feel like if I reply back it will be over so I'd rather have the comments linger on my mind for a while before I respond!! ☁️

Anime may have fucked up many things but at least we got

I didn't have much time to give it a rewatch- life is weird this week- but his face is like therapy itself

Thank you for still checking up Conflict, reading and commenting after all these years! 🙏🏻✨ I am drafting Chapter 21 and I want to post consistently in 2024 (at least once a month). 💖

Alright guys, it's time to take a deep breath, proofread the chapter I wrote last week, and update Conflict. I'm so nervous, I haven't updated in two years I and really hope I can do the story justice by consistently posting again. I am not sure whether there is a fandom at this point, but I know that some of you are looking forward to it (thank you so much for the comments and dms!) and it gives me courage to show up. I also want to continue and conclude Conflict for my own self-respect as well, but it is equally important to know that there is someone out there who is reading. ;;

I also have a new job interview tomorrow (which I was informed TODAY) so I will study the company again, which gives me less time to post Conflict and the cosplay videos than I initially planned, but like... LKGKSLDFG OKay we are doing this. WE ARE DOING THISSSSS NILA YOU CANT BACK OUT YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR WE ARE DOING THIS!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAY!!!!

FINALLY STARTED WRITING and making active progress in Conflict Chapter 20!! I think the most difficult part of writing them right now is, that I am more of an adult and mentally stable person than I was when I started writing, so I tend to forget they haven't gotten the character development I had, and it would be weird for them to change their personalities in a chapter (the real-time posting may have a two-year gap but the story continues exactly on the same scene left on ch 19) so sometimes I write something very compassionate and sane, then I delete it and make it sound edgier and less like a healthy relationship cause they just aren't in the mental state to be there yet. But I am so grateful I can finally write again.

Trying to write Chapter 20 of Conflict today and it is literally giving me chest pain. I did my best to continue it last year, even did a full reread, but recalling those times was taking a toll on my mental health so I stopped. But this year I want to try again. I actually want to keep going, but recalling Ray's mindset- or more like my mindset from back then is really triggering and emotionally exhausting for me because I was not in a good headspace (ironically, I thought I was doing fine, until I healed and realized it wasn't fine at all) but... like... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LITERALLY JUST CANT OKAY I DONT CARE IF I HAVENT UPDATED IN ALMOST 3 YEARS, FINISHING CONFLICT UNTIL THE PLOTTED FINAL IS A SELF RESPECT THING AND I WANT TO DO IT ITS LIKE I LITERALLY WANT TO DO IT I W A N T TO DO IT

I feel too tired to elaborate the details on an essay, but after a lengthy self-reflecting I also decided (along with my therapist, even though I didn't mention Conflict specifically) to CONFRONT triggers. She said that at this point, it is good for me to be triggered even, because it means I am actually being exposed to the unresolved trauma and now I am psychologically stronger to resolve it rather than avoid it.

I am sick of avoiding what happened to me back then. I wanted to write Conflict until the end for its own meaning as well, but now it is even more important that I try to write things- for the sake of moving forward with life. I know this random tumblr post after so many years doesn't provide context or make sense but. I really need to move forward. I am also bored of leaving my fics halfway. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i will do my best to write the chapter this week

Until last night, I was at Chapter 11 but I ended up binging Conflict until Chapter 18. I didn’t remember most of the scenes, all I remember was the psychological state I was trying to convey— it felt like it was written by someone else and I was just a reader! It is surely a very different experience to “forget” about something you yourself have written!

There are some parts I absolutely love in it. There are some parts I would love to change to word them better. But overall, I am amazed at how dedicated I must have been to have completed all of those chapters— There are only 2 chapters to catch up now. I… I’ll write my feelings & what I think about Conflict as of 2023 some other time! My priority is to catch up with the fic, finalize the chapter edits (I have not edited a single thing between Chapter 11-19 yet, I just binge read it like a reader), and then write Chapter 20. I think I’ll put my thoughts on Chapter 20’s authors notes.

I’m excited!

Hello! Thank you for checking up on me! I am doing well. I shifted my focus from the online platforms to different priorities, so I am not checking my social media as often, but I am really doing great! I’m also here with good news that I want to accounce while responding to this ask:

I am writing Conflict!

Important parts of previous chapters are being rewritten, polished and edited for a better reading experience. Chapter 20 is on the way!

I have been working on it for last two weeks by now! I wanted to post the new chapter on Norman’s birthday, but reviewing the previous chapters take way longer than I anticipated. I am also adding some author’s notes to update about what I changed in the fic or how I am feeling compared to then-vs-now! I am putting more emphasis on the trigger warnings as well!

Right now I am editing chapter 11. I am directly editing on AO3 and posting whatever progress is done, then I go back to it, so if you check the chapters you may come across to live-time edits! As I explained in detail at the author’s notes of Chapter 1, I don’t aim to edit or rewrite the whole story; doing that would be against the fic’s soul and it wouldn’t feel the same anymore. I’m just doing some reconstruction work, I am trying to keep my writing style as it was back in 2019, add some details and in-depth descriptions of some scenes, explain the little plot holes, fix the formatting issues, etc. I am doing this both to remember the story better before writing Chapter 20 and so on (Chapter 20 is not the final chapter, so I am thinking about giving more regular updates since I am getting my momentum back) and to confront the times I was writing it.

I kept back from announcing it here and just silently edited it, though a reader realized it on first day and commented on Chapter 1 and I felt the happiest to know that they were still here! I am going to reply back to the comments I received within 1 year, as well!

My plan is to finish editing and reviewing all of the chapters 1-19. Then I am going to make a full Google Drive doc with detailed, spoiler-containing Trigger Warning for each chapter. Then I’ll publish Chapter 20. After that, I’ll respond to the comments. I think after all of this long and tedious committed work, I can just keep updating regularly. That’s the plan if it all goes well!

On a good note! I am also adding Chapter Songs! Those are the songs I used to listen while I was writing Conflict. I really thought they are fitting to certain chapters. I didn’t write any chapters with a specific song on my mind, in fact, I discovered those songs for Conflict aesthetic instead, but either way they are really fitting! So I am editing and updating as I go, to the songs I find relevant.

Reconstruction of chapters 1-10 is complete and I am consistently working on the next ones, so if you want please check it out! ❤️

On a side note, I am aware that it has been sooooo long, so I wasn’t really expecting anyone except for a few people I know in-person, to read Conflict again! I mean, I am not even offended or anything, most of us have sort of moved on from hyperfixations we had back in 2019, myself included. But I have my personal reasons to go back to checking Conflict. On the day I started editing, I was telling myself, “It is okay if no one notices. I don’t even want to make an announcement. I’ll just quickly take a tour on AO3.” but I received a comment on it on the morning of it, despite not making a single announcement! It just… made me happy beyonds words can express.

I don’t know if I would go so far in editing/rewriting if I did not KNOW for the fact that, some people are definitely interested! I know that because they went out of their way to let me know! All the comments I have been receiving within this year, all the asks, dm-s, everything summed up and gave me the Courage to keep writing.

So, once again. Thank you. All of you. I’m looking forward to enjoying the ride with you! ❤️