alistair disapproves -9000

nowadays, it feels like every time I block or report porn bots on this hellsite, I embody the spirit of that eldritch “angel of death” entity in Dreamworks’ Prince of Egypt by always making sure to check the follower’s blood-soaked doorway (bio headers marked with fandom ravings/consistent reblogs/non-suspicious links) to spare their firstborns (their beloved blogs) from my smiting (blocking and reporting) spree

#imagining '23/Cairo/new to Twitter😘' over a doorway as the angel of death pokes around

And yet the porn bots’ hearts are hardened, and strike again tomorrow, never letting my humble blog go.

I send my scourge (Block), I send my sword (Report Spam)

While my inability to harness and direct my focus is certainly one of the more annoying and hindering aspects of my ADHD, I think the worst part for me is the emotional dysregulation and the way negative emotions can effectively become a lightning rod for my wandering attention.

Like right now. I'm pissed off at something going on behind the scenes, and I literally cannot think of anything else. Can I distract myself? Yeah, sure, for about ten minutes. But can I do anything meaningful? No. Because I'm expending all my energy and attention on not thinking about the thing that's hurting me. And then something reminds me of the fuckery going on, and the rage comes back full force like a blunt force blow to my chest, and I'm left gasping in the wake of the intensity to both escape the situation and to turn around and inflict the exact same damage back.

The impulsive part of my brain knows the latter would be quicker. It's easier to lash out than do the work required to move on. It's more rewarding because I'd get the immediate emotional catharsis my dysfunctional, dopamine-deprived brain is craving.

In the barest of terms, the anger is stimulating. And that's dangerous.

If you're not careful, that's how you burn not just bridges but yourself as well. (Not to mention the people around you.) And right now, the entire inside of my head is a tinderbox of petty fuckery that won't accomplish anything if I act on it, but fuck me if the temptation to drop the match just isn't there all the time.

Anyway, I'm filling out an ADHD worksheet for a workshop I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm annoyed that all the questions are about productivity, with zero mention of literally anything else. And, like, granted, I knew there would be an emphasis on productivity going into this because there always is. But it'd just be nice to see mention of the other things and their importance rather than just treating them like a footnote.

I'm more than my inability to focus. I'm an entire array of dysfunctional fuckery that needs to be wrangled on an hourly basis, and it'd be nice to have it acknowledged how much energy that takes. That's all.

(unsure if it’s courtesy to source the tagger or not, I always assume people use tags bc they don’t need their thoughts to spread in reblogs? if this isn’t the case I’ll edit and credit it you!)  

Reblogging again for these tags because you nailed my experience exactly. And yes it DOES feel like it’s always anger! it’s the least comfortable emotion others want to “deal with” you having so you just learn to isolate until you can be Friendly(tm) again. So then you develop a very skewed perception of and delicate relationship with anger as an emotion-- you never learn (or feel confident about) when anger would actually be appropriate so even when you have a legit reason to be pissed, you STILL assume you’re overreacting, or worry if you actually Say Something, you’ll just work yourself into a frenzy that’s disproportionate to the situation. So you take the time to calm down and rationalize to yourself why you shouldn’t be mad/frustrated/annoyed and why everything is okay and why it’s not worth it to raise issue... so eventually you become either someone who’s mad/annoyed/irritated at everything all the time and should be avoided or spoken delicately to, or someone who won’t push back when someone actually crosses a line, because you can never decide where the line is “supposed” to be. 

and anger is, I think (*obviously I’m not a psych this is just my feeling on it, maybe it’s BS), the easiest emotion for adhd to latch onto because it’s SO stimulating. and it’s so stimulating because it makes you feel-- in the most monkey-brain, basic sense-- Powerful, perhaps because whatever is making you feel “angry” is actually making you feel very powerless and threatened (fear, grief, loss, rejection, etc-- all very defeated, sunken feelings). So anger is like your brain’s cure-all for “I’m threatened/powerless, that’s bad for me,” because, “well if I get PISSED i’ll feel POWERFUL. THAT’S GOOD FOR ME.” ergo... instant stimulation. It’s a motivator, and for people who are chronically unmotivated, it’s like candy for the brain-- candy it can make itself at the seemingly slightest provocation. 

he really did put it into words for me

the fear is unending patreon

“Why do people like a character who’s committed war crimes but hate this other character just because they’re annoying” because it’s fiction Susan, and being annoying in fiction is a greater sin than being a supervillain, because it won’t make me want to read about them. It isn’t difficult to understand

“It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.” (Oscar Wilde)

The war crimes are fictional but my annoyance is real.

its so shiddy when u have to convince yourself to do your hobbies. like, its fun, you like it, why cant you just do it. do it. do it. but what if.... mindless media consumption instead....

im so sorry to the seven thousand of you so far who relate

upset at the accuracy of these tags

This tweet totally describes me

more dots

no homo bro but i want to hold you and run my fingers through your hair when youre having a rough night and promise you that youre safe with me, that ive got you no matter what and im never letting go… but no homo bro haha

ADHD and autism is basically being considered rude for the dumbest reasons

those reasons are usually 1. ADHD/autistic person didn’t literally read your mind for the Correct Social Cue(s) 2. ADHD/autistic person has a need or a boundary that doesn’t actually harm anyone, but it’s not a Correct Social Cue thing so you think they shouldn’t

3. ADHD/autistic person forgot/didn’t realise/doesn’t know/is just too damn tired to perform the Correct Tone

4. ADHD/Austistic person struggled to understand/ needed a seemingly obvious thing clarified or explained to them and got accused of sealioning/asking in bad faith.

5. ADHD/autistic person got infuriated by Bad™ Sounds™/Textures™/Images™ and tried to keep from reacting, but still slipped up once, and because it’s not a Correct Social Reaction to a Correct Social Cue, they got everyone upset at them for “blowing up over nothing” before they had the chance to apologize.

6. ADHD/autistic person tried to imitate Correct Social Cue but didn’t quite do it Correctly, and now the person they were interacting with thinks they were being dismissive and condescending instead of the reluctant-but-accepting they were trying for.

7. ADHD/autistic person couldn’t spare the brainpower to identify their emotional state until they burst into tears for no discernable reason. They didn’t even feel the need to cry and still don’t, but their body won’t stop. This results in the other person becoming convinced the ADHD/autistic person is trying to guilt-trip them, which in turn guilt-trips the ADHD/autistic person for not being able to stop crying on demand.

8. ADHD/autistic person physically couldn’t stop themself from internalizing a vaguely-negative comment, and then couldn’t focus on anything but the comment. When the others nearby try to regain their attention, they likely won’t be able to without losing patience, which makes everybody’s moods worse once the ADHD/autistic person can see them.

i could go on

9. ADHD/autistic person has learned to perform Correct Social Cues through mimicry, but the people they mimicked don’t perform them Correctly for the group the ADHD/autistic person is currently in so it comes across as wrong. 

10. ADHD/autistic person heard a stray comment that sent their mind on a tangent and they burst out with an observation that seems wildly inappropriate for the moment but makes perfect sense to the ADHD/autistic person, because that’s where their train of thought led them. 

4 and 10 hit different😔

Let me just add

11.) ADHD/Autistic person tries to calm their emotional upset by stimming and now everyone thinks they are being rude/ignoring them to do a seemingly pointless task that they don’t understand the reason of and ADHD/autistic person isn’t calm enough to explain to them.

12. ADHD/ autistic person answers with the truth to a question thinking it would be helpful but apparently is the Wrong Moment To Be Honest™ and the other part get upset

THAT. THAT’S THE WORST ONE. 

13. ADHD/Autistic person asked how they can help. Somehow this is the wrong thing to say

OKAY MAYBE THAT IS THE WORST ONE, FOR REAL THIS TIME. 

12. Adhd/autistic person got and intense emotion (probably excitement) and their volume wasn’t modulated right, though it seemed no louder to them than anyone else, and they got chastised for it and are afraid to FEEL that emotion around people because they might express it wrong, but it just feels like that emotion itself is now ‘bad’

This explains a lot about my lack of asking for help when I clearly need it

Don't forget the fact that asking for help carries the risk of someone expressing mild disappointment in your inabilities, which will cause you to shut down for 5 to 7 working days.

sometimes the snake looks at me and I find this very exciting

the sexual tension between you and the snake

NO he is a baby!!!!

also he a man snake and I am a lesbian so it wouldn’t work out between us

the only circumstance in which I can imagine myself ending up with a man snake would be if he was actually the rightful heir to the crown but he needed a bride before he could claim his throne... I would totally beard for him if he agreed not to eat me and allowed me moderate to tremendous influence over administration of his kingdom, and also a girlfriend. I could see that marriage arrangement working very well for both of us.

also? if he wanted to see other snakes that would be fine by me. I would draw the line at shepherd’s daughters, though, because what good could come of that?! they’d want to turn him human with milk and lye and riding crops, and THEN where would we be? I’d have a stupid human-shaped husband who could not unhinge his jaws and swallow our enemies whole and all my political ambitions would have to come to a screeching halt.

But Ship, what if he went after the shepard's sons instead?

More shepherds’ daughters for me, then.

I don’t care if my giant snake man king husband is gay, I care only that he remains a giant snake. Our marriage is only political, after all—I will start to care if he starts giving his shepherds’ sons status and responsibilities that they are not actually qualified for. He can have all the handsome bonehead boyfriends he likes but if he starts making foolish decisions out of sentiment and lovestruck brainfog and nepotism, I may have to send a few brand new dukes off on ill-fated boar hunts.

I think this is why I follow you. You're just so relatable.

well……………. if you insist

Lesser appreciated varieties of shipping: