when you’re a child who grows up in an environment where your needs are constantly left unmet and you’re constantly told that outside the environment you’re currently in that there’s a scarier one waiting to eat you up and tear you alive, you grow into a bigger child who has to learn how to navigate a world you were never shaped for.
yeah kindness is a decision which is a reason why i hate being complimented for it. i hate praise for doing good things because i see them as things everyone should choose to do. i’m not any more special than the next person for choosing to act in ways where i can somehow make the lives of those around me more bearable. if i can prevent someone from experiencing reality the way i have since i was a kid then that’s enough for me and i don’t want to be thanked or put on a pedestal for it.
can we denormalize the concept that suffering helps you become a good person? i’m tired of being put on a pedestal for having decent morals just because my parents didn’t. wow, it is soooo shocking and incredible that i willingly chose to be the person i am despite my circumstances. “good” people who suffered are always treated godlike and “bad” people who suffered are always pitied, and both cases are equally terrible because you are making judgments of people for their morals on account of their experiences, not on account of them as people which prevents them from ever actually being able to heal from their trauma.
people romanticize the concept of love, but for people with bpd, love is anything but something to romanticize. it is torture enough having to experience emotions more intensely than others and always be more on alert to things most wouldn’t even notice, so when you fall in love with someone and you have bpd, you almost always love the other person more than they will ever love you. it’s why it’s so difficult to maintain relationships. eventually you come off as too clingy or too attached simply because your emotions are more easily stimulated than your partner or potential love interest. i would sell my soul to undergo the human condition of my feelings in a conventionally more sensible manner.
when people are sad, they’re upset about it for a bit and then they find ways to move on from it. when i’m sad, i go through the 5 stages of grief and feel my body physically hurt from my chest to headaches to pelvic cramps, and i have no means of doing anything to try to ignore it or get through it. with my sadness there is no moving on from it; i wait it out like a storm at sea that’s inevitably going to happen again.
i don’t think people understand how agonizing it is to have this one specific person you idolize and love with your entire heart. it’s not just love, like normally loving anyone as any normal person would love: it’s hell. even when someone tells you they’re bad for you and even when you know they’re a drain on your sanity and emotional stability, you actively allow this person to be in your life because you put them on a pedestal over time and they end up becoming the most significant figure to you. they could hurt you over and over again and you would still let yourself be set on fire if it guaranteed their warmth. you would sacrifice your own happiness and comfort for the sake of theirs. you would do anything and everything for this person even if you knew you wouldn’t get much in return. it is HELL.
sometimes i'm randomly reminded that even though i had the privilege of growing up with two parents, i was never actually raised by them and that most of my morals and principles are based off of the unhealthy amount of media i've consumed and absorbed my entire childhood. do i have a mother? yes. do i have a mom? no, but does the main character's mom in that one book i read from 5 years ago count as one?
i'm angry at the fact that there's no support for kids who end up stuck with horrible parents. no one helps us when we're children and then we grow up to be the adults who don't get help either and society deems us "useless" and "trash" because of the fact that we ended up born under misfortunate circumstances. we frown upon our homeless, our addicts, our sex workers, our gang members, and our part-time workers barely getting by on minimum wage, but we seldom question why they ended up in such positions in the first place. if we had empathy and genuinely fought to help these children and these traumatized adults, wouldn't society as a whole be better itself too?
It really baffles me how there are parents out there who are actually decent and kind and don't traumatize or hurt their children in any way. Like, good mothers and fathers are actually out there and for some reason, the universe or the man in the sky or whoever decided that I wasn't worthy of that. Like??????
am i the only one who felt really old when they were really young? i literally used to be this 10 yr old child who would question whether they had wasted their life or not and i was always called mature by my teachers. i rarely got along with kids my own age and it felt like my brain was 4 decades older than it should be. years later, i found out that having untreated depression and trauma can physically age your brain and it turns out i wasn't actually an "old soul," i just really wanted to die.
something that makes me so incredibly sad is how there are kids out there who are raised in these toxic environments and have no way of escaping and no support system or anyone to help them get out or healthily cope with it and they end up growing up to be the adults who end up homeless, end up in sex work, end up becoming toxic themselves, or end up dying and it's just tragically sickening to let that fact settle, that not only their parents, but society as a whole has failed them their entire lives.
no matter where i go or who i interact with on this vast planet, i always have this feeling like i don’t belong, like i’ll never belong. it doesn’t matter how tightly knitted the bond i have with another person is because i’m wired to believe that alone i will live and alone i shall die.
loneliness is nice because you have all the time in the world to do what you want and get lost in your own little worlds, but then it’s not nice when you realize that people who suffer from loneliness are 50% more likely to die prematurely than those who don’t.
did you have a normal childhood or did you used to hide in your closet in the dark when you were a kid because it was your safe space whenever things got bad
i don’t think a lot of people credit us enough, us who were raised in households with people who were racist or homophobic or abusive. they say we did the bare minimum by rising above our parents and our elders, but honestly, it takes so much bravery and wisdom to be better than what you were raised with especially if it’s the only thing you’ve ever known and no one else ever told you those things were wrong. if you grew up surrounded by hate and bitterness and rose above it, you’re awesome as hell regardless of whether or not it’s the bare minimum. you taught yourself to be good and kind and accepting all on your own and that is something celebratory.
have u ever been in so much emotional pain to the point where ur chest starts to hurt and it feels hard to breathe because ur brain is in so much agony to the point where it manifests that pain into physicality to cope with how much it hurts
