stardust child

everyone is deserving of forgiveness and benevolence. not me though, y’all stay safe

my moral code is that everyone on earth is an angel deserving of mercy and patience except me. i’m the embodiment of the antichrist and i overanalyze everything i have ever done to potentially upset or hurt someone even if it was accidental.

can we denormalize the concept that suffering helps you become a good person? i’m tired of being put on a pedestal for having decent morals just because my parents didn’t. wow, it is soooo shocking and incredible that i willingly chose to be the person i am despite my circumstances. “good” people who suffered are always treated godlike and “bad” people who suffered are always pitied, and both cases are equally terrible because you are making judgments of people for their morals on account of their experiences, not on account of them as people which prevents them from ever actually being able to heal from their trauma.

i don't think people understand how frustrating it is to have parents or another figure who religiously abused you, especially if the religion is one that's predominantly a poc one. there's always guilt for losing your connection or never having made one with the religion because of your trauma, but at the same time you feel like your negative experience with it gives a bad image to the religion or the people who support it which you don't want to do because it was only one or two specific people that traumatized you and not an entire religion. there's a heavy amount of guilt in saying that you're an ex-muslim or an ex-jew or an ex-hindu because you know there's already prejudice towards whatever religion you left because of your trauma, but it's easier for people who are ex-christians because no one perceives them under that light.

i hate mother's day and i hate my mother because i can't help but feel this gnawing ache of jealousy fill me to my core every year when i see people post their mothers or write about how wonderful they are, and no, i'm not saying they can't do that just because i ended up with a shitty mother, but it's painful because i have to be on the outside looking in at an experience i will never get to enjoy just because my mother couldn't be a good one.

04/17/21

sometimes i'm randomly reminded that even though i had the privilege of growing up with two parents, i was never actually raised by them and that most of my morals and principles are based off of the unhealthy amount of media i've consumed and absorbed my entire childhood. do i have a mother? yes. do i have a mom? no, but does the main character's mom in that one book i read from 5 years ago count as one?

i'm angry at the fact that there's no support for kids who end up stuck with horrible parents. no one helps us when we're children and then we grow up to be the adults who don't get help either and society deems us "useless" and "trash" because of the fact that we ended up born under misfortunate circumstances. we frown upon our homeless, our addicts, our sex workers, our gang members, and our part-time workers barely getting by on minimum wage, but we seldom question why they ended up in such positions in the first place. if we had empathy and genuinely fought to help these children and these traumatized adults, wouldn't society as a whole be better itself too?

It really baffles me how there are parents out there who are actually decent and kind and don't traumatize or hurt their children in any way. Like, good mothers and fathers are actually out there and for some reason, the universe or the man in the sky or whoever decided that I wasn't worthy of that. Like??????

am i the only one who felt really old when they were really young? i literally used to be this 10 yr old child who would question whether they had wasted their life or not and i was always called mature by my teachers. i rarely got along with kids my own age and it felt like my brain was 4 decades older than it should be. years later, i found out that having untreated depression and trauma can physically age your brain and it turns out i wasn't actually an "old soul," i just really wanted to die.

if someone says that they were abused or violated by [insert whatever person you know] and you choose to side with the person accused then i hate to say it but you are an abuse/assault enabler regardless of how much proof, or lack thereof the victim has. i would much rather believe a potential liar than a potential abuser/rapist. just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen. be empathetic and remember that the person chose to trust you with the information of what happened to them.

something about being traumatized and mentally ill for years on end without any help is that it alters your brain and messes with how it processes memories and data. this becomes really inconvenient especially during fights or stressful events because your brain will be aware that something happened but it won't be able to pinpoint what exactly happened down to specific details or what was exactly said. this sucks because it makes you more vulnerable to manipulation and being gaslit. you're easily convinced that you're in the wrong and that you're a bad person simply because of the unreliability your memories provide. i want you to know that you aren't a bad person and i'm so sorry there are people out there who have taken advantage of your incapability to have a reliable memory.

something that makes me so incredibly sad is how there are kids out there who are raised in these toxic environments and have no way of escaping and no support system or anyone to help them get out or healthily cope with it and they end up growing up to be the adults who end up homeless, end up in sex work, end up becoming toxic themselves, or end up dying and it's just tragically sickening to let that fact settle, that not only their parents, but society as a whole has failed them their entire lives.

If no one has told you today, I'll tell you instead. I am happy you're alive and that you're still here to be reading these words. I don't know you and I might never will, but I'm glad you exist in the same dimension of space and time as I do. I don't know what you've been through or what you currently are going through, but I know how strong you are and how much you've fought to stay to fight it all. You deserve happiness and love and comfort and if you have yet to receive any of those things, I hope you stay alive long enough to see yourself obtain them and I hope today is better than it was for you yesterday.

no matter where i go or who i interact with on this vast planet, i always have this feeling like i don’t belong, like i’ll never belong. it doesn’t matter how tightly knitted the bond i have with another person is because i’m wired to believe that alone i will live and alone i shall die.

did you have a normal childhood or did you used to hide in your closet in the dark when you were a kid because it was your safe space whenever things got bad