Dash of Mystery to go with Misery

tonys hair is cute and soft

They admire each other 🥹

I understand the appeal of wanting every adult hero to instinctively adopt teenage Peter Parker, but can it really beat the hilarity of acknowledging that at 15 Peter was 5'10", unusually buff, went by a moniker with Man in it, wore a creepy full face mask, and had a tightly guarded secret identity and probably a Queens accent thick enough to have come out of a jello mold, and adult heroes reasonably responded to him by going, “Wow, this grown man is an immature asshole for no reason.”

Way funnier to me than adult heroes finding out Peter is a teenager and becoming Concerned is the idea of adult heroes Retroactively finding out Peter Was a teenager because he admits to being like. 22 and they’re like “Hang on you’ve been doing this for like. Seven years.” and he’s like “Haha crazy right? Anyway it’s too late for you to yell at me about that because the statue of limitations on that lecture ran out when I turned 18”

YEAH this trope is instantly more tolerable if it’s fully adult Peter being like, *listen up whippersnappers because I’ve been around the block voice* “I’m thirty, and—” and Tony Stark, who vaguely assumed Spider-Man is maybe two years older than him because he just has that energy and hasn’t reassessed this for four presidential terms, is like, *drunkenly doing math* “You’re how many”

Okay but…them trying to talk about Old People Stuff with him, not realizing that he wasn’t alive to remember xyz thing happening, never used xyz technology bc he didn’t exist yet, not expecting him to agree with the fact that some ppl were saying songs they grew up to were oldies, etc

The thing about Peter Parker is that he was raised by senior citizens the way other heroes are raised by wolves. He has the body of an Olympic gymnast and the soul of a malcontented geriatric. This likely contributed to the perpetuation of the accidental ruse.

It’s when he channels Aunt May so hard he makes it sound like he was personally and immediately affected by McCarthyism that the time traveler fringe theory starts really picking up bets.

@blackkatmagic @north-peach

I agree here, but Parker is ALSO canonically a science and technology nerd. Peter ALSO likes to talk, because he’s nervous, and snarky banter is how he copes, but he tries to avoid any sort of identifying information, creating a situation where he just kind of mirrors whoever he’s talking to, and nobody can agree what age he is. (Marvel characters barely have canonical ages, so I’m making this up) Tony Stark (Late 30/ Early 40s), Comic book ages are fake) has had heated arguments with spider-man about the Starkphone’s latest specs, while also complained loudly about Oscorp, is convinced that Spider-Man is a 30 something engineer, is similarly convinced that Spider-Man probably works for him, and keeps trying to drop hints that like “You know, I respect you, you don’t have to hide from me because I’m your bosses’ bosses’ boss”. Hawkeye (Early 30s) Human Disaster/Secret Agent has reminisced with Spider-Man about being a human disaster, is convinced that Peter Parker is, like, 28 at the youngest. He knows Spider-Man doesn’t collect a SHIELD paycheck or anything, so his mental image is a pretty accurate take on most Adult Spider-Man versions. Brilliant kid struggling to make rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan.  Black Widow (Age ???), Professional Spy actually clocks Spider-Man as a Teenager pretty reliably, but doesn’t believe her own assessment, because this is America. American kids play basketball and worry about Prom, they don’t do this stuff. I mean, yeah, it’s possible, since he has powers and such, but no, he CAN’T Be as young. She refuses to believe it.  Captain America (Mentally late 20s, chronologically almost 100 years old) has no idea what kids are like these days. But he’s been studying 20th century history, and Spider-Man has mentioned an Aunt he’s close with who lived through some specific events. Assuming that this “Aunt” is, like, 20-30 years older than her nephew, instead of 40+ years, he believes that Spider-Man is solidly in his 30s.  Bruce Banner (40s): Is convinced Spider-Man is also an Adult, but for opposite reasons. In Bruce Banners mind, Kids are rude, and Spider-Man has always been very polite to him, therefore, an Adult, although perhaps a youngish one. With his knowledge of Science, Banner imagines Spider-Man as a PHD student.  Thor (Age ???? But quite old) Knows that Spider-Man is an adolescent. How old are adolescent humans? 42? That sounds about right. Spider-Man is a 42 year old adolescent who lives with his Aunt. That aunt, who Thor has picked up is quite wise and venerable, is probably somewhere around 500 years old? 

Should I post my “Captain America is not a golem, he’s King David” rant here as well? It’s already up on TikTok

three likes? that’s enough for me lmao

For context this comes from a lecture I did a little over a year ago called “Superman on the Nile” (cause, y’know, Superman and Moses) in which I claimed that all superhero media owes its existence to Jewish ideals, and this is only a part of a wider analysis of the Jewish themes and principles present in superhero media in general as a result. Basically, my claim is that the Jewish history of the medium of comics is not incidental but rather inherent to its existence and its values. click here for an overview of the bigger themes I’m referencing, but you don’t at all need to read that in order to understand this.

I call this the David-Cap allegory but like part of it is just debunking the idea that Cap is a golem. To get this out of the way: Captain America is not a golem. A golem is a non-sentient tool. It has no will of its own, it can be destroyed rather easily, if you know what you’re doing, and in general is more of a thing than a person. It is made to protect Jewish people and Jewish people only against a great evil and does not have a purpose beyond that.

That just… doesn’t describe Captain America.

A better description of Captain America is as a leader who initially seems weak and incapable but is revealed, partially through his moral strength, that he is the most capable of any of us. He’s a human being with a heart first and foremost, and a leader second. A tool in someone else’s hands? …not even a little bit.

To explain why I think a better comparison from Jewish history is David, I want to share a quote from Samuel 1 chap 16. This is from when God is telling Samuel to pick the next king, and Samuel resists picking David because of his appearance: 

I don’t love this translation, but like, it gets the point across. Both David and Steve Rogers are chosen out of a group of physically more impressive men because of the quality of their hearts. David - out of a lineup of his big brothers; Steve - out of the entirety of the Super Soldier program.

Another point of comparison is their role in their stories later on. They prove themselves as military leaders and inspire greatness in others. King David takes over from a failed king and unifies the Israelites; Captain America punches Nazis and leads the Avengers. Either way, similar role in the story.

It’s also important to note that as heroes, they are both super human rather than superhuman. They’re both capable of doing feats that are greater than normal, but not quite literally impossible - in case you were wondering, according to Jewish thought, David is given “superpowers” when he is anointed to be king, which allow him to fight the lion, the bear, and, of course, goliath (this is Maimonides’ Guide to the Perplexed). More importantly however, the reason we might look up to them as heroes or leaders is not limited to physical greatness, but rather moral caliber. Steve is chosen by Dr. Erskine specifically because of his moral caliber, yeah? Same as David getting chosen by God since he can see into his heart? In fact, you can very easily compare and contrast the selection process for being anointed and the anointment itself with the Super Soldier program.

Of course the fact that Dr. Erskine is a Jewish man cannot be ignored. But in this lens, I would compare him not to a Rabbi in Prague, but rather to God seeing into David’s heart, with Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones in case you don’t remember who I’m talking about lmao) functioning as the skeptical Samuel. Which, idk, feels like a more powerful metaphor.

At the end of the day, I feel like Captain America’s purpose as a symbol and a leader alike gets erased if you view him only as a tool. Especially since Steve’s principles will often make him take off the costume or use it against the institutions it was made by in the first place, like when he became Nomad in the ‘70s.

And listen, the golem of Prague was an iconic figure in Jewish history/mythology. But I feel like it’s unsuited to discussion of any character with agency and their own motivations (although, wildcard, I think Vision might be on the table, I still have to think about this more).

One last note: don’t take this as an endorsement of everything David does nor as me claiming there’s a perfect parallel between every David story and Cap, just that Cap functions, within a Jewish mythological and cultural context, as a military leader and hero similar to David.

I made an attempt at fixing this because it was, so bad lol

It’s not perfect but it’s better than it was so that’s all that matters lol. Just don’t look to closely at it it’s fine

And uh,, may as well tag @fixing-bad-comic-art since their blog is mainly what inspired me to do this :•] yea

well i have now

Bucky and Clint in Tales of Suspense #2

Kamala bringing up fandom in that rambly nervous way because sometimes you gotta babble while you fill the silence, right? And Dick nearly dying of laughter hearing about the SuperBat ship (and the alternate shipname, ManMan and its history in fandom).

Tim would probably chime in at that part, and Damian would be all curious but not wanting to admit it? also Barbara cackling over the comms and she’s totally sending Dick shippy fanart while they’re on stake-out.

Also I think Kamala and Steph would get off on a wrong start, but once they get past that misunderstanding, those two would get along like a house on fire. They seem superficially pretty different but I think while they have different issues, they’d find the other’s pretty relatable, and idk I can just see that dynamic going well?

Cass... Kamala would probably love Cass, but also be kinda scared of her? Or think she hates her? Because Cass is intense and not the best at words and Kamala has a insecurity streak like any teen. It’d probably take someone pointing it out for her to realize that’s not the case, but also I think she would kinda doubt it coming from Tim or Dick, but from Bruce or Steph that make her think? Or ohhhhh Alfred. Yes, Alfred the Master of Advice.

She would fucking adore Alfred.

Love that very bi man

Subtext:

Literal text (notice the naked man in Tony’s bed):

A male (!) villain insinuating Tony can’t resist him (because of his “playboy” reputation, which is a big “hmm”):

This speaks for itself:

Tony waxes poetic about Steve’s attractiveness:

Actually Tony calls Steve handsome a lot; it’s kind of a thing:

Oh and that time Namor called out Tony for sleeping with Madame Masque (after Tony said she looked like Doctor Doom) and Tony trying to swerve the convo:

That time the media was openly suspecting Tony Stark was HIV positive (this is from a comic in 1992 when AIDs was still thought of as a disease that primarily afflicted gay/bisexual men):

… Just saying, the subtext (and even the text) has been there for a long-ass time. Tony’s dating profile being set to woman and men was just more evidence on top of the pile. 

Tony is so obviously bi, T'Challa knew.

Even the evilness of Victor Von Doom isn’t enough to keep tony from acknowledging how handsome he is.

More of Tony swooning over Doom (added by @i-gotta-go-good-day-bitch in the replies but i wanted to keep the ones above too). 

Also added by @i-gotta-go-good-day-bitch, implications Tony and Rhodey were/are more than friends:

And I forgot to add this classic. A gutter note during the development of Iron Man vol 3 implied Tiberius and Tony had slept together (given their relationship was very much portrayed like them having been exes, this isn’t a shocker). (Link to @whatjanesays‘s blog who originally posted these images)

“better roll” meaning “roll around the hay” (so saying sexual partner). The “Ru” here is talking about Rumiko Fujikawa (who, while broken up with Tony, slept with Tiberius). 

Biron Man

Ok so I’ve seen some jokes/headcanons from Into the Spider-Verse about female Dr. Octopus and Aunt May dating because of this line.

Peter Parker: Let me guess you’re friends call you Doc Ock

Doc Ock: Actually my friends call me Liv. My enemies call me Doc Ock

And then later in the movie

Aunt May: Oh great, it’s Liv. (As she proceeds to fight  the numerous supervillains in her home with a baseball bat like a badass)

But here’s thing, going off comics canon it’s totally possible they used to be a couple.

In the early 1970s comics Aunt May inherits a nuclear facility on an island in Canada from a relative,(just go with it), and news of this causes Doc Ock to try and seduce May into marrying him so he can use her nuclear facility for crime purposes. 

Spider-Man of course stops this unholy matrimony, in The Amazing Spider-Man #131-My Uncle…My Enemy?, but they had already been living together for like 16 issues and were absolutely ready to get hitched had Peter not come along.

So yeah, it’s totally possible that this version of Aunt May and Dr. Olivia Octavius are bitter queer exs because of an overly complicated scheme to steal May’s nuclear facility.

Brooklyn and Jersey City team up!!

greatest spider-men conversation ever

You forgot the best part, because he gave him that burger Owen makes sure to bring Miles’ mom (who had died in his own series several years prior) back to life in the new universe. I’m not kidding.

That is the absolute best bullshit comic book resurrection I have ever heard of.

kink-tomato replied to your post “I know you’ve posted about this recently so if It’s easier could…”

What’s so interesting is that the character came out of a similar time of unrest – Stan Lee talked somewhere, I think maybe he’s quoted in Marvel The Untold Story, about how he wrote Tony Stark specifically as a challenge. He wanted to challenge himself in the 1960s to write a character that basically would piss off hippies but be so likeable they couldn’t hate him. He wanted to write a rich warmonger who was still charming enough that people who were against war and hated the rich would enjoy reading his adventures. And the thing is, it did work, though not perhaps in the way he expected. I think he said Tony Stark got more fanmail from women than most of the other books at the time put together. 

Texts From Superheroes

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Squirrel Girl talking smack about Thanos never gets old

Tony: “So how do you want me? On the table? Against the wall? All over the floor?”

Steve: “Happy”