The other thing that gets me about ableism dialogue on the broader Internet being 90% centered on word choice is that… I think it serves to make conversations and socially aware spaces less accessible to some people. Me, for example: I find that the additive cognitive load of monitoring my vocabulary for potentially ableist words and turns of phrase to be an extremely reliable overload trigger. I’m constantly semi-consciously monitoring my everything anyway when I’m communicating–hi, I’m autistic–and when I overload my ability to manage that cognitive load, I get very anxious, generally erode my mental health, and stop being able to participate in conversation at all. I have effectively lost access to the community or discussion where these modes of politeness take root.
(What I generally do instead is keep note of certain words that certain people I know cannot handle because they are poisoned forever for them, and I avoid those words around those people. That’s a cognitive expenditure that is worth it to me: I’m willing to budget the cognitive energy if it’s a use that is actually directly helping someone else. One thing I find that a lot of currently non-disabled people don’t think about is that not all accommodations and access needs for disabled people are compatible with one another at all times, and this is a common example of that sort of thing.)
Moreover, a lot of people have begun using a “fence around the sin” approach to ableist language: I have been “corrected” for metaphorical references to disability that aren’t necessarily pejorative, like “willfully blind.” Not only does this re-emphasize the cognitive load concerns that I I’m concerned that this trend of treating all references to disability as off-limits in language increases the euphemism treadmill that tends to affect several types of disability, effectively acting as if there is something shameful about referencing disabled people at all. Which… doesn’t solve the problem of the ableism in the language. It’s just that the slur is in the opinion that the slur-thrower has of the people the word applies to, and that’s often what people are really doing when they use ableist slurs. You fix the slurs not by placing them off limits entirely but by changing the opinion that the general public has about the people they refer to: think about reclaiming “queer” and pushing back against “that’s so gay”; these successful movements work because they reaffirm the humanity of queer and gay people in the minds of people who would otherwise use those identities and comparisons to them to denote bad things. If that doesn’t happen–and the disability euphemism treadmill is notorious for this–you just cycle through acceptable and unacceptable words for the same concepts, because the concept of a given disability is the origin of the insult. As long as that concept is poisoned, any word that describes it will become poisoned, too.
And the thing is, I just pointed out that my own experience of disability is such that I have been known to actively request that people not police my language as an accommodation, because I can’t handle the cognitive load of balancing that with the semi-conscious load of balancing the cognitive demands of monitoring the nonverbal shit? Yeah, uh, I have known people to respond to that request for accommodation with total rage, and by telling me that I am being hateful, and dropping me completely. If your disability activism involves reacting like that to a good-faith accommodation request over word choice, your disability activism is not good.
The problem with hard and fast rules (like “you must be able to take your own notes to succeed in college,” or “this word is never acceptable”) is that by its very nature, hard and fast rules without any thought taken to consider accommodation and accessibility for people with a wide variety of unexpected needs create barriers for disabled people. I don’t see a lot of awareness of this in people whose disability activism focuses largely around call-outs for word choice, and I really do not see people really interacting with the super useful concepts for disability, like the curb cut effect or accessible design or varying models of disability or conflicting accommodation or or. It just… winds up being about word choice and social signaling that one is The Right Sort Of Person.
(I’m pretty sure you know all of this already, star-anise, but I figured: maybe someone reading me doesn’t. So.)