Our Pride Is Not a Threat to You
I’m getting really tired of having to explain racism to folks who are plenty old enough to know better. Often, I don’t even try anymore. I just come here to vent, and a new blog post emerges from it. I guess today is one of those days.
I saw a post online that asked why it’s OK for every race except white people to be proud of their race. It has got to be the epitome of fragility and privilege to ask this and not understand how much it misses the entire point. There are so many levels to the lesson that needs to be taught here, and honestly, I don’t feel like I have the energy anymore, but there are a couple of things I definitely need to get out of my system before I spontaneously combust.
First of all, there would be no need for Black pride, Latin pride, or even gay pride to be blasted from the rooftops or paraded down city streets if society as a whole had not been built on systems put in place to benefit straight white people to the detriment of those who have darker skin and/or who are not heterosexual. Those with white skin have always held the cards in this country, from the day Christopher Columbus stole it from the natives already living on what is now American soil right up to the present day. That bigotry laid the foundation for us to have no choice but to voice how proud we are of being who we are precisely because the world (and the U.S. in particular) operates by telling us we shouldn’t be proud, that we don’t matter, and that we are somehow inferior to others who just happened to be born with lighter pigmented skin.
It’s all bullshit, so naturally, we call it out. And when we do, we get ignorant comments like the one that prompted this rant. Suddenly we are unpatriotic, as if that’s the worst thing someone can be; being racist is much worse, but that’s how much racism is ingrained into this country. It’s as if they think we should be thankful our ancestors were kidnapped from their native land and brought here against their will be used as slaves. We’re here now, though. If the U.S. is ever going to be truly united, it needs to function for everyone regardless of their race.
Historically, POC are the ones who’ve had to endure being judged and treated unfairly based solely on the color of our skin. Not white people. You don’t have to be vocal about being proud of being white because the entire world is already telling you that you’re valued and treating you like you matter. So no, you don’t need a White History Month; we study that ad nauseam, and the history that’s taught in our schools is decidedly slanted to focus on exactly that and not the history of POC. Our story started long before slavery and does not only include Dr. King and Rosa Parks. Further, you don’t need a Straight Pride Month because being straight is already viewed as the widely accepted norm. Every damn month is Straight Pride from a societal standpoint.
POC are not telling white folks that they shouldn’t be proud to be who they are, but also understand that all too often, pride in being white in this country turns into white supremacy. Horrific, unthinkable acts have been perpetrated against non-whites in the name of white pride. The difference between your pride and our pride is that we, as a group, are not saying you are inferior or should not exist because we happen to be proud of our own heritage. We’ve already acknowledged, for countless generations, that having white skin and being attracted to the opposite sex is a pretty good luck of the draw in this country. Bonus points if you’re white, straight, and male!
Instead of getting your feelings hurt and trying so hard to be viewed as oppressed, try stepping aside and listening to those who have actually BEEN oppressed just because of who they are or who they love. Try to see someone else’s perspective. Just as saying Black Lives Matter does not mean that other lives don’t, pride in who we are does not mean we hate you by default. I need some of you to seriously come out of your bubbles and understand that you do have privilege in the U.S. for having white skin. Whether you agree with that or not, it just is. That doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means it wasn’t made harder because of your skin color. Show some grace, and do some learning beyond the limited view that was taught to you in school or shown to you by the small circle of people you associate with who all look and think like you. It might just blow your mind.
The Trouble With Willful Ignorance
[Willful Ignorance (noun): The practice or act of intentional and blatant avoidance, disregard or disagreement with facts, empirical evidence, and well-founded arguments because they oppose or contradict your own existing personal beliefs.] At this point, if you still don’t understand why All Lives Matter is offensive; if you still believe that Black people are making all this up; if you still think there isn’t a problem with police brutality where Black lives are concerned; and you ignore the fact that systemic racism was the foundation this country was built on and that it still continues today... The fact is, you don’t want to understand, or at the very least, you don’t care enough to open your eyes and take into account that not everyone’s experience is the same as yours. This type of willful ignorance affects us all, whether it’s the person who refuses to grow and see the truth or the rest of us who have to fight that much harder to create change in the face of such foolishness. In this day and age, there is no excuse for not knowing better. If you have time to go online and play devil’s advocate with snarky comments and ill-informed rants, you damn well have time to Google some shit. Or read a book about the issues. Or, I don’t know...maybe have an honest conversation with an actual Black person about their experiences without getting defensive and minimizing their concerns. And for the love of God, don’t make it about you or try to tell us how to feel about our own reality or gaslight us into thinking it’s all in our heads. It’s not. By now, it’s well-documented that it’s not. If you pay attention long enough, you might learn something. There are people I know who claim to love me so much yet have shown they still have no clue what they’re talking about, spouting the usual, predictable conservative rhetoric. And I have to wonder. If it were my name that was the latest hashtag, would they see things differently? Would that open their eyes to see that those killed senselessly were all regular people just like me? They had friends and family who loved them just like me. They were most often going about their daily routine and minding their own business just like me. And they were Black. Just. Like. Me. It could just as easily be me as it was them. Then what? Would it suddenly matter just because it wasn’t some random Black person but someone they knew? That shouldn’t make a difference. They should be as outraged about Trayvon, Tamir, Sandra, George, and Breonna as they would be for me. It shouldn’t have to happen to someone you know for you to care! Don’t be willfully ignorant. Educate yourself, amplify Black voices, be actively anti-racist, and when Election Day comes, VOTE. Vote for candidates who give a damn about the marginalized. Vote for those who want to move us forward and not backwards. Vote for people who want to unite and not divide. Vote like our lives depend on it. Because they do.
Your Black Friend Is Trying to Be OK
Your black friend is trying to be OK.
Your Black friend in the past 30 days has watched a Black man get shot dead while jogging (Ahmaud Arbery), a Black woman get shot dead while sleeping (Breonna Taylor), and the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer. Your Black friend has also listened to the President of the United States use segregationist words as a veiled threat.
Your Black friend is trying to be OK.
Please don't ask us about the looting. Please don't chastise us about the rioting. Please don't tell us that all lives matter. Please don't minimize our fear. Please don't bring up Black on Black crime. Please don't ask "What about Chicago?" Please don't say "if you'd just act like (a wildly successful Black person... usually Oprah, Obama, Colin Powell, Denzel, or Will Smith).”
Please don't judge us. Your Black friend is trying to be OK.
Listen to your Black friend. Empathize with your Black friend. Support your Black friend. Pray for your Black friend. Pray with your Black friend. Just let your Black friend know you really care.
Your Black friend will remember who truly had their back during this difficult time. They will remember who was more concerned about a looted Target. They will remember you posting a thinly veiled and racially offensive meme.
They will remember you calling looters "savages.” They will remember your silence about their Black life and the Black lives of others.
It's real easy.
Do whatever you can to help your Black friend out because your Black friend is trying to be OK.
[**Note: I did not write this, but it was shared with me, and I thought it was worthy of sharing with you too.]
2020 Can Go to Hell
Oh, wait. It feels like it already has. And I’m tired. I don’t know how much more of this dumpster fire I can take.
Ahmaud Arbery. Breonna Taylor. George Floyd. These are names I only know because they’re the latest in a string of names of people who looked like me and were unjustly killed by racists who also happened to be wearing police badges or who had worn them at one time. They should still be here with their families and friends. Instead, they’re hashtags now because this country has a racism problem that it conveniently ignores. Black people in this country are routinely profiled and killed by police or police wannabes who are sometimes arrested as a formality but rarely, if ever, convicted. As a race, we’ve given our Black sons the speech about being respectful of police since even before my time, but when it’s glaringly obvious that respectability is not a guarantee that you’ll come out alive and that even Black women are not safe, what then? What NOW? They kill our people and then look for anything they can use to justify why it was the victim’s fault. I am tired.
Christian Conner. Though not killed, this man (incidentally, about as respectable as a man of any race can get) was flat out bullied by a white woman in Central Park because he nicely asked her to leash her dog, which is the rule...which she was not following. He began filming her tirade, and what did she do? She immediately threatened to call the police and tell them a Black man was attacking her, and she proceeded to do just that. Do you think she did that because she was actually in danger? Hell, no. She did that because she knew the cops would come and likely assume she was in the right because of the color of her skin versus the color of Christian’s skin, despite the fact that the video he recorded clearly shows she was in the wrong, right down her dog that she was practically choking to death with the leash in question by the end of the altercation. Thankfully, she’s lost her dog AND her job as a result of her ignorance. What company worth anything would want to be associated with that behavior? Apparently, not them. And thankfully, Christian is still here to live another day and tell his story because things didn’t turn out the way she banked on them turning out. She may not have wanted him killed, but at the very least, she expected the cops to side with her because of who she is. The truth is there should be no story here. He did nothing wrong. Actually, he did everything right, but without that video, it would’ve been his word against hers, and I doubt the first assumption would’ve been that he was the one telling the truth. We shouldn’t need a video to prove that we are worthy of being believed. I am tired.
I’m also tired of COVID-19. All the racial disparities in this country are tiresome at any time, but to still be dealing with that while also trying to survive a pandemic is absolutely exhausting. It’s like practically everything shut down because of the virus except racism. We couldn’t get lucky enough for that to take a break. Racists just decided to make up for lost time, I guess. The real threat of COVID-19 is still here, though, and with states so eager to reopen everything prematurely, the cases of the virus have been increasing, although we may never know just how much. It doesn’t fit the narrative of opening everything if they admit that things are not as OK as they’re making them out to be. Meanwhile, people have basically decided the threat is over, as if this virus had an expiration date. Just because they’re bored, and it’s warm outside doesn’t mean COVID-19 has magically gone away. It’s still here, folks, and it’s still killing people. Their opening things up isn’t about it being safe. It’s about the powers that be wanting to open the economy. It’s always about money. Money over people. Since my last post just a couple of weeks ago, the number of COVID-19 deaths in this country alone has doubled. Doubled! Did I mention that I am tired?
My family and I have stayed home since March, only going out to pick up groceries or takeout for the most part. Any errands we ran, we ran because we needed to, and we took precautions. We homeschooled our kids and followed the rules. Now school is over, and things are opening back up, so my husband and I are both expected to return back to working physically in our respective offices, and I’m not thrilled about it. We’d still like to be able to stay safe at home, but now we’ll be required to be out of the house for work again. Neither of us feels this is the best course of action, but we also have bills. Sadly, we aren’t independently wealthy and have not won the lottery (which we don’t even play), so off to work we’ll be going. Reluctantly, but faithfully. What we will not be doing is going out unnecessarily beyond that just because the government officials want us to believe the coast is clear. I assure you it is not. There have already been increased virus cases from people not continuing to social distance and/or not wearing masks, and there will be more. We’ll be the ones doing what we can to try our best to not be included in that number, thank you very much. Trying to juggle what we know in our hearts that we need to do versus what we have to do to support our family is especially stressful given all this, so yes, I am tired.
And since it loves to pour when it rains, it is with sadness that I tell you my father-in-law passed away last week. It was not related to the pandemic, thankfully, but that doesn’t make losing him hurt any less. From the time he went into the hospital to the time we buried him was only about 2 weeks. He treated me like his own daughter from the day I met him, and he was fiercely protective of me and the whole family. I will miss his humor and his advice. I am sitting in his favorite chair as I type this, and it’s not lost on me that he should be sitting here instead. But he’s not. Yes, he’s in a much better place than we all are at this point, but we will miss him dearly. While I am sad he’s gone, I know it pales in comparison to what my husband and his mom and siblings must feel. If he could impact me this deeply in the short 16 years I knew him, imagine how they feel after loving him for so much longer? Also as of last week, my in-laws had been married 47 years. His not being here is a lot to process. We are ALL tired.
I don’t really feel pressed to concentrate on anything else at this point, least of all work or the demands of anyone else who might remotely expect anything from me right now. I need a break from all of it but doubt I’ll get one anytime soon. There always seems to be someone wanting me to do something when all I want to do is be still. I’m emotionally drained and desperately need a reset button. I’m tired of racism. Tired of COVID-19. Tired of having to be so damn responsible all the time. Tired of grief. Just plain tired.
2020 is broken. Just throw the whole damn thing away.