“Children who are respected learn respect. Children who are cared for learn to care for those weaker than themselves. Children who are loved for what they are cannot learn intolerance. In an environment such as this, they will develop their own ideals, which can be nothing other than humane, since they grew out of the experience of love.”

― Alice Miller

Enough

Actually, I’ve had more than enough. Although it ended well, this was not a great mental health week overall. It feels like the world is on fire. Far too many people are either in denial or actively contributing to it and couldn’t care less about those of us who give a damn, and I’m plum out of patience for them. COVID. Afghanistan. Haiti. Choose your shit show. Oh, and the fact that I live in a state with a moron who couldn’t care less about protecting our school children for a governor doesn’t help. If the world doesn’t feel especially heavy to you right now, you aren’t paying attention.

This week, all of this came to a head when the school nurse called to say my younger daughter, who is too young to be vaccinated against COVID, would need to stay home a few days because she’d been in class with a student who tested positive for the virus. No worries, she’s fine and has since returned to school. But when I heard those words over the phone at the beginning of the week, all I could think about was how careful we’ve been for a year and a half now and how my fear that she’d get the virus before we were able to vaccinate her could be coming true. Again, thankfully, it did not. My daughters (even the vaccinated one) are diligent about wearing masks at school and using hand sanitizer. We’ve taken it seriously as a family to keep each other safe, especially since now all but one of us have had the vaccine. We are that much more careful now to protect the youngest of us. They can’t approve it for younger children fast enough.

All that concern quickly turned to outrage when that same school nurse had the nerve to try to downplay the effectiveness of masks to me. That was not the day, nor the time, and I was not the one. And I let her know it. I let her know that masks damn well do give protection, and it’s shameful that our so-called governor is trying to punish districts that are mandating them. Thankfully, more and more districts are starting to push back and even taking him to court. I pray they are successful. Unfortunately, I’m still waiting for ours to join them. I just wish this could’ve been done before school started and countless children were forced to return to classrooms without a mask mandate. We shouldn’t need one. We shouldn’t have to mandate doing the right thing, but apparently, we do. Meanwhile, we’re forced to send our kids back into classrooms under a governor who sees protecting them in a pandemic as an afterthought and doesn’t want schools to even do the bare minimum to try to keep them safe, and kids are filling up hospitals. What did they expect? This is not rocket science. It’s infuriating, and to hear someone who calls herself a nurse blatantly try to feed me false information set me all the way off.

Every day this week, it seemed there was something going wrong and sort of chaos to send me spiraling. I knew my husband was feeling the same, but what I didn’t realize at first was just how much this was all affecting our other daughter. She and her sister are extremely close, and the worry over her sister’s possible exposure to the very thing we’ve worked so hard to avoid all this time coupled with not having her sidekick with her to do their school routine and the frustration of seeing so many people fighting against all the things that would’ve ended this long ago if only they’d done them this time last year sent her spiraling for a couple of days as well. Our normally hyper, easy-going, fun teenager became moody and emotional. Teenagers have a reputation for being that way, but that is not her at all. Caught in my own meltdown, at first I did think she was just being a teenager. But once she finally opened up to me about how she was feeling and why, it changed everything. She immediately felt better when I told her I’ve been feeling the same way for the same reasons, and now that her little sister is back at school and never actually got sick, she’s herself again. Thank God.

We have to remember that these are shitty times in a lot of ways, and while we do our best to keep going and create positivity for our kids, they see the dumpster fire the world can be right along with us, and even the strongest and most resilient of them sometimes need extra support just like we do. For my older daughter, her breaking point was thinking her sister might develop COVID symptoms. In a lot of ways, it was mine too because I’m done caring about hurting feelings of people who refuse to care about those of us who are doing the right thing, and those of us who are doing the right thing shouldn’t have to quarantine for days as a result of being around them. Once what you perceive as your choice or right puts one of my kids in danger, my gloves come off. Period.

Get the damn vaccine. Wear a damn mask. Stop acting like this pandemic is over and that it isn’t killing people left and right. And by all means, if you are also in a state with a governor who doesn’t care or possess common sense, use this next election cycle to vote for one who does. Our kids deserve better, and so do we.

Legit. 💯😆

To College Or Not to College: That Is the Question

Recently, my daughters stopped me in my tracks with a question I wasn’t expecting. It wasn’t about boys or peer pressure. Nothing like that. We were in the car, and from the back seat, they asked me if everyone HAS to go to college. After a few seconds, I answered, “Well, *I* did. It wasn’t a choice in my family. It was expected, period. But no, it’s not a law that everyone has to go to college.” They were apparently pleased with that answer, cheering after I gave it. Then they said, “Good because we’ve had enough of school.” 

This conversation took me aback because I honestly never considered they wouldn’t want to go to college. Both my husband and I went to college, as did our parents, and like I said, it was basically a given in my family. I think it was the same for my husband. My dad even taught college English for almost 30 years. My husband’s parents were also both teachers, as was his grandfather who was the Head of the Music Department at the University of Florida at one time. I was groomed from an early age to pursue higher education from everyone from my grandparents to my aunts and uncles. It’s just what we do in my family. So, of course, when my girls were born and I imagined the story of their lives, college was a natural part of it.  

My girls are biracial, but speaking from my own viewpoint as a Black woman, I think that going to college may have also been ingrained in myself and the others born into my family because there was certainly a time in this country when folks who look like us weren’t able to do so. Like voting and owning property, a college education was once something we were denied simply because we have a darker complexion. It only stands to reason, we should take advantage of it. Having a degree is also widely seen as a way to a better life, and since Black people routinely have to be the best of the best at everything we do in order to be taken seriously, of course going to college would be considered part of that. 

Even though I did go to college, I stopped at a Bachelor of Science. My degree is in Mass Communications with an emphasis in Radio/TV Broadcasting. Have I ever used it? No. Even in school, I was over it. I took most of my electives in Music Industry classes because I much preferred them, and my adviser was kind enough to approve it. To actually change my major would’ve meant staying in school longer, but that was out of the question. Much like my daughters, I’d had enough of school. So, I hunkered down and got out of there in exactly 4 years like a good girl. 

I’ve often said since my college years that college is not for everyone, and it’s certainly no guarantee of happiness or a higher income. While I fully understand why my family pushes its members to go to college, I can also appreciate that that’s not the only way to have a comfortable life. There’s a lot to be said for learning a trade and learning it well. Where would we be without talented plumbers and mechanics? We’d be stuck on the side of the road, and all our drains would be clogged. Not to mention, I am super artsy fartsy and would’ve left college in a heartbeat if I’d been offered a recording contract. Not everyone is meant to be a doctor or a lawyer. It takes all kinds to make the world go around. 

Do I still want my daughters to go to college? Absolutely. But only if it’s really what they want. And they might decide it is what they want when the time comes. One is in middle school now, and the other will be joining her there this fall. So, time will tell. Either way, what’s important is that they have goals and a plan. After the year we’ve had dodging COVID-19 and balancing virtual school and then making the transition back into traditional classrooms, it’s been a lot. It would probably be weird if they WEREN’T tired of school. Truthfully, I’m tired too, and I’m not even a student or a teacher! Eventually the dust will settle from the chaos of the pandemic. Maybe then, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. And maybe then, my girls will reconsider sending in those college applications in a few years because while having a college degree isn’t everything, it certainly doesn’t hurt.

Parents of School-Age Children Are Not OK

Well, the deed is done. Today, we officially filed our intent to continue online schooling with our kids, at least for as long as it’s offered. Right now, their school is saying that it will only be for the first semester of the school year. Honestly, I expect what will actually happen is that there will be enough COVID cases that schools are going to have to start closing again long before the semester is done, let alone the school year. That remains to be seen. For now, we’ve chosen to keep our kids at home as we’ve been doing, and they’ll essentially be attending school via a livestream with their teachers each day on a regular school day schedule.

No doubt about it, none of the choices parents are being given are ideal across the board. We are all having to choose what we perceive as the lesser of evils according to what will work for our families, and just when we were catching our breath from having to think about schoolwork on top of all the other things going on in the world, here we are again. For us, school starts back in just a couple of weeks. For others, it won’t be for several more weeks, and I wish I could say the same for us. While I feel confident we’ve picked the option that we can best live with as a family, I am also a bit anxious about how this will go and what this school year will bring. It’s going to be a long, weird fall semester, and if opening school buildings leads to more cases, it could also be a hard one too.

Meanwhile, today our governor in Florida (of whom I am most assuredly not a fan) was back on TV doubling down on how safe he feels it is to require schools to open now. He loves to repeat that kids are less susceptible to the virus and that there is no reason to believe that there is any danger in sending kids back to school, but it’s all bullshit. Kids have and continue to die from COVID. Kids can still be carriers even if they’re asymptomatic, bringing the virus back to elderly and immunocompromised family members who live with them. The teachers and other staff are themselves not children and may be at a higher risk, to the point that many are actually drawing up wills in case they don’t make it through the school year due to COVID. Think about that and let it marinate for a minute. Teachers. Are. Drawing. Up. Wills. We are now expecting teachers, who already have a multitude of things to do each day besides teaching, to also risk catching or spreading a potentially deadly virus because it’s almost fall, and dammit, humans must stay on schedule! Schools already operate on limited funds in regular times, and now they’re going to have to operate in COVID times on limited budgets and quite possibly without adequate protective equipment...in a state that is already averaging at least 10,000 new cases every day. What could possibly go wrong? {insert sarcasm font here} 

The truth of the matter, which many don’t want to admit or acknowledge, is that it’s actually still not safe to be congregating in packs of people who don’t live with you, and we should still be aiming to stay home as much as possible. None of this is a good idea. In person or online, there are going to be drawbacks. I am thankful that my husband is back to working from home for now and that I am still working part-time. Between the two of us, we think we can swing keeping our kids on track with school at home. My heart goes out to the parents who are taking this virus as seriously as we are but have no other choice but to send their kids back to their school buildings because of work or other factors. And I know there are also parents who still somehow think this is all being blown out of proportion and that there is honestly no danger in sending them back. Wherever they fall on the spectrum, parents are all navigating a difficult time. We are all trying to guide our children through something we don’t completely understand ourselves. None of this is easy.

Knowing that, I hope we can all show each other a little grace. No matter how you’re schooling your kids for the 2020-2021 school year, I trust you’ve weighed all the options and chosen the option you can most live with. For us, that means keeping our kids home by whatever means necessary. It might not look the same for you, and that’s OK too. We’ve been given options, which is important, and my greatest hope more than anything is that we all get through this school year together and in one piece. Good luck, my friends. We’re going to need it.

Master Level Introvert

I didn’t think it was possible to be more of a hermit than I already was, but I think this quarantine has actually done it. It’s made me want to leave home even less than usual.

I used to be able to justify it for work, if nothing else, but after weeks of working from home, I honestly don’t even want to go out to do that. It’s actually a combination of being a homebody, not believing we are ready to open everything back up yet, and needing to be home to homeschool my kids now that classroom school has officially been canceled for this school year. We are about a month away from the last day of homeschool. For now. Who knows if they’ll even go back in the fall? I guess we’ll have to see.

So many people are so anxious to return to life as normal, despite there still being an increase in virus cases. I’m sure increased testing has something to do with those numbers. We couldn’t count what we couldn’t test. It all feels so rushed to me, though, and it boggles my mind that people can’t do the simplest thing, which is just staying home. Rushing to open everything too fast is only going to give us a worse second wave than the first one, but you can’t convince some people of that. They act like the virus will magically disappear simply because they’re tired of staying home. If only it were that easy. Or maybe they just don’t care if more people get sick or die from COVID-19 as long as it’s not them or their family. But it very well could be. Just this week, a friend of mine lost her grandmother to this virus. At last count, the U.S. had lost 50,000 people to it in the last couple of months, and that number keeps growing. Oh, but sure...open all the things like there’s not a global pandemic. It’ll be fine. (Side note: No, it won’t. It’ll be worse before it’s better, for those who don’t understand sarcasm.)

It’s my theory that the politicians who are pushing for reopening everything are only doing so because they don’t want to keep paying people unemployment or providing stimulus money. It seems a small price to pay to save lives, but they seem willing to sacrifice more of us to save the beloved economy.

So, yes, I am perfectly happy to stay home as long as it takes. I pray we are able to keep working from home for the foreseeable future to preserve our income, health, and the groove we’ve finally gotten into with homeschooling. There’s already been talk from both my job and my husband’s about returning to our offices, but nothing is official yet. With any luck, hopefully that will be put on hold a bit longer and not throw a wrench in the system we have going. A few more weeks of homeschool, then our mountain to climb will be what to do if we have to go back to work but the kids’ summer camp gets canceled. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when and if we come to it.

Navigating the New Plague

A few weeks ago, I couldn’t have imagined things being the way they are now. I wanted to believe that if people all took the necessary precautions, the threat of COVID-19 would fade away like every other virus that goes around does, but that is not what happened.

Things have gotten worse pretty quickly in the U.S. Part of it is because our incompetent president went on TV and told those who still believe anything he says that this was a hoax, and despite his being warned of this threat months ago, he chose to ignore the warnings and play golf instead. Until it was too late. Until the virus was already here, spreading like wildfire, and killing our citizens. Further, once it was confirmed that COVID-19 was actually a real thing, he continued to try to downplay the severity of it, in direct contradiction of what the actual scientists and doctors advised. I am sure we are still not being told the whole truth about this situation, how long the virus has actually been here, or what he knew and when, and we may never know the full story.

But, for once, this can’t all be put on him. At some point, people need to take personal responsibility for their own health and well-being, so I also blame those who still even now aren’t taking this seriously and who insist on having social gatherings despite shelter-in-place orders, stay-at-home campaigns, and CDC advice not to congregate with anyone who does not already live with you. It boggles the mind, but there are actually people still having huge parties in their homes, even as the world is fighting a pandemic that has killed many and also put countless others out of work because so many things we take for granted had to be closed or canceled to try to contain the spread of this thing. I guess they don’t think any of this applies to them, and that is why this will get worse before it gets better and why I don’t think we are anywhere near seeing the end of it.

All of this has led us to have the most confirmed cases of any developed nation. Wow, we’re #1! Except this is not a #1 we should be proud of. I’m certainly not. I’m not proud of that ranking, and I’m not proud of the fact that it did not have to get this bad if we’d had competent leadership, and people actually paid attention to the voices of reason. While it’s true that statistically more people die from the common flu than have died from COVID-19 thus far, it’s also true that we can’t know the full extent of this virus, since testing has not been readily available. I am sure the numbers are actually higher than we can confirm. We also don’t shut down the world for the flu. For me, a huge turning point was when Disney World closed. As a Florida resident, I can tell you, they simply do not close Disney World. On the rare occasion that they do, it’s because a hurricane is happening, and even then, they don’t close the hotels. The hotels are closed, folks. Indefinitely. The only other time they closed Disney World? 9/11. This is a big deal.

I couldn’t have predicted that suddenly bars, theme parks, and hair salons would be closed or that our show season at the theater where I work would abruptly be brought to an indefinite halt. I couldn’t have predicted that I’d suddenly be working from home while simultaneously trying to homeschool my 6th grader and 4th grader with little warning and no training. I couldn’t have predicted that the concerts I was so excited about seeing last month would be canceled in compliance with not having large crowds anywhere or that churches who’d never done so before would be broadcasting their services on Facebook Live and YouTube, and I couldn’t have predicted that the simple, everyday task of going grocery shopping would suddenly feel like I was going into battle and risking my life every time I did it or that every time I went, I’d be shocked at the scarcity of stocked toilet paper shelves because people have hoarded that (of all things!) faster than it can be replenished in the stores. And I couldn’t have predicted that people would be wearing face masks in public (which doesn’t put me at ease personally but rather makes me more anxious) to try to protect themselves from a disease that is here and contagious but doesn’t always manifest itself with actual symptoms, and those symptoms, even when they do present themselves, may not show up for 2 weeks after exposure to the virus. You can actually have it and just be a carrier. It doesn’t kill you but might very well kill someone else. Thus, we are asked to stay 6 feet from the next person when we do have to go out to get food, as if we are all in a massive worldwide game of Cooties. Except it’s not a game. It’s literally life and death for a lot of people, yet this is where we are right now. This is the new reality we wake up to each day, and it feels like a bad Sci-Fi movie.

For all intents and purposes, my little family is doing pretty well. Thankfully, my husband and I are both still employed, and we’ve been cleared to work from home for the time being. The added pressure of being thrown into homeschooling is a bit of a pain and gets overwhelming at times, but it’s getting done. It has to; our kids’ grades depend on it. I’m sure it also helps that we are natural homebodies, so being told to stay at home and not socialize is not asking us to do anything we don’t do as much as possible, anyway. I can think of much worse things that being required to stay inside a house I love with my 3 favorite people on the planet. We have food, shelter, entertainment, and Wi-Fi. Most importantly, we have each other and are all healthy. I pray it stays that way. I am also concerned for those whose circumstances are not as fortunate. As a friend of mine recently said, we are doing well, not only because it’s an introvert’s dream to stay at home, but also because we have a happy one. Happy is the key word. Not everyone has that at home, and it breaks my heart - always, but especially now at a time when you’re not supposed to be leaving unless it’s absolutely necessary, and every time we do leave, we run the risk of bringing the virus back home. Being sick is never ideal, even under normal circumstances, and being sick right now is even less so with hospitals already overrun with patients and low on supplies, and the hassles average people like us have to go through just to get a test. No, thank you. We’ll limit our going out, take precautions, and hope the germs don’t follow us home.

Some seem to think this ordeal will change people for the better - that they’ll suddenly realize the importance of human connection and compassion and take more time to stop and smell roses and realize what’s really important. While that might be true for certain individuals, I don’t hold out much hope for it to affect change long-term in a society where people value the rat race and glorify being busy. If they won’t stay home or slow down during a pandemic, they certainly aren’t going to once it’s over. It will be back to business as usual, and maybe the saddest part of all will be that we will have gone through all of this, yet people will have learned nothing. For now, can we just stop hoarding the toilet paper? That seems like a good start to being better humans.

Long Live the Liner Notes

I was out with my younger daughter today, and she asked to see the liner notes to the CD we were listening to, so she could sing along. This wasn’t the first time; she does that fairly often. She is very much her mother’s child and like me in so many ways, but the fact that she has the same heart and passion for music is one of my favorite things. To be fair, she also gets that from my husband, but the part about singing all the time definitely came from me.

Watching her study liner notes as she does reminds me of myself. As a child and even into adulthood, I’d absorb the liner notes for the music I loved - every lyric, every thank you, every album credit. Music has never been a casual, passive interest for me, and I see that in her too. While I admit that life gets in the way a lot now, and I don’t get to study the liner notes of every album as intently as I once did, I don’t care one bit if I sound old fashioned when I say that I will always and forever prefer to have a tangible CD or record, complete with liner notes and artwork, than streaming music online for a few singles here and there. When I love someone’s music, I want to know all about it and all about them. I want to know the stories behind what they write and to understand the concept of the full album, not just listen to a couple of catchy tunes and call it a day.

True music appreciation and immersion is an art that my 9-year-old already understands even as many people much older than her are forgetting it. I’d like to think she learned or inherited that from both her dad and myself, and I hope she’ll always remember it and keep it close to her heart. That time in the car with her today brought a tear of joy to my eye because she gets it. She really gets it. In a time when so many are choosing whatever is quick, convenient, and often free online, there is still no substitute for hard copies that you can hold, touch, and keep in your collection forever. It saddens me that the industry is producing fewer CDs now, and although vinyl is making a comeback, it’s not as feasible to play vinyl in my car. But one thing is for sure. As long as they’re pressing albums on tangible media, I’ll be buying them.

So much truth. 💯💖

Let There Be Squish

Far too many moms, of newborns in particular, seem to put way too much pressure on themselves to lose the baby weight right away. It saddens me that they have such strict expectations for themselves, especially after having just created a whole new person. I firmly believe it comes mostly from internalizing the societal pressure that women constantly get to look like models. Screw that, and pass the potatoes!

Pregnancy and childbirth are a major change, unlike anything else our bodies will ever do. It stands to reason that it might not magically spring back to where it was before the baby as soon as the baby is born. And really, who cares if it doesn’t? The bigger issue, which is way more important, is nurturing the new life you’ve brought into the world, not obsessing over fitting back into a pair of skinny jeans. (Also, skinny jeans aren’t that cute. Let them go, girl.)

Starving yourself is not going to help anyone, least of all you. And certainly not your baby. Trust me, you’re going to need that fuel to keep up with your little one. Our bodies were made to need nourishment. Life is hard a lot of the time, and food is one of the best parts of being on this planet. Why would you deny yourself that just because you want to look like you did before the baby?

Here’s the thing. You aren’t the same person as before the baby. You’re a mom. Your baby doesn’t care if you’re a little squishy, and if your partner isn’t a jerk, neither does he or she. All they want and need is you, all of you, whether that’s a size 8 or a size 18. There are enough things to worry about in this world as it is. Don’t let your weight unnecessarily become another one.

All of THIS!!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Unpopular Opinion: Put the Wine Glass Down

I’ve gotta say, I find it troubling how so many parents - mothers in particular - glorify their wine consumption as a way to “cope” with parenthood. As someone who doesn’t drink at all, this seems ridiculous to me in general, though I would still say a glass of wine here and there is probably fine if you aren’t abusing it. And as a mother, I know raising kids is not always easy. But I’ve also never felt the need to get drunk to escape my kids or deal with them acting like kids on a daily basis.

Am I perfect? No, no one is. But if it’s to the point where even your kids are commenting on your wine use to get through the day, something is wrong. Either all these wine moms are exaggerating their wine drinking, or they are a bunch of lushes. It’s not cute to be addicted to alcohol of any kind, so why joke about it or pretend to be, especially when there are others who generally do need help in that area? And if they aren’t exaggerating, all the Psychology I’ve studied over the years says they should seek help and find healthier coping mechanisms.

Lord knows I’ve been through a lot that in the last several years that would have provided me with plenty of excuses to drink - life stuff that doesn’t even include parenting - but I never did. There are always better options than trading one problem for another, and really, what does it teach your kids when they grow up knowing you were so overwhelmed by they them that booze to dull your senses was your only alternative? It’s not, so let’s stop acting like it is. Do better.

Tween a Rock and a Hard Place

Every morning before school, there’s a part of our morning routine my daughters have wanted me to continue since they were in pre-school. It’s something I had started doing without even realizing it - quietly holding and rocking them after they’re dressed and before we do their hair. They call it a “rocking hug,” and even if we’re running late or we are grouchy (we aren’t morning people), they never want me to cut that part of the routine.

This particular morning, I held my oldest a little longer than usual. It’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s growing up. She’ll be starting Middle School in the fall, and my mind has been racing thinking about what that means and where we’re headed. At a meeting last night, the school flat out said our kids will not be the same when they finish 8th Grade as they will be entering 6th Grade. I guess that’s supposed to be good thing?? Probably, but it also freaks me out a little. The teen years are fast approaching, and I am not sure I’m ready. Is any parent ever truly ready for that? And yet, there’s not really anything I can do about it. She is actually growing up right before my eyes.

We have always done just about everything as a family - even Valentine’s Day and a lot of times, wedding anniversaries. For us, spending time with the kids as much as possible for as long as possible has been the priority. We knew this time would come and that maybe the kids would start getting lives of their own. Just this month, the almost-teen has been invited to go places with friends twice (and their parents, thankfully), and we’ve allowed her to go without us because we know the friends and parents, and she really wanted to go. But it’s strange - for me, at least. We are usually a group of 4 whenever we aren’t at work or school, and it feels weird when one of us is doing something else. I also feel the need to compensate to my other daughter for her constant playmate being gone for the day. I’m no substitute for her big sister, but I think we’ve done OK so far.

The next few years will be a huge time of growth for our oldest. I would venture to say, for our whole family. With this being our first child, this next stage is new for all of us. There will probably be school dances and hormones and more homework than she’s used to having. School cliques and awkward stages and just trying to figure it all out. I remember all that like it was yesterday. I can’t stop this train, but I can be here for her the whole trip, even if I have to grit my teeth at times.

So, this morning, while I held her a little extra during our rocking hug, all I could think about was how glad I am that she hasn’t outgrown wanting me to do that - even now, when she’s already not much shorter than I am. I will do that for as long as she’ll let me. In her heart, she’s still my baby, and in mine, she always will be.