Menthol Calamari

My pain is my power

I feel like I spent so many years trying to be something I wasn’t meant to be.

Why are some of the dreams we seek unattainable?

Why do we allow our imagination, hopefulness and peers to shape this idea in our heads that we are different or unique?

Sometimes,

Sometimes I wish I never grew up in the church as a kid. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I was special or was gifted. Some adults believed I was prophetic and could heal others.

As an adult I try to forget about those days.

With growth, it caused nothing but confusion and paranoia. I remember thinking I was always being watched and followed by this being. It felt more so Demonic than heavenly in anyway. Like I was living in the devils shadow.

At the age of 31 I sit here and wonder, what I might have been like if I grew up without religion. Would I have felt the same amount of worth like I could be anything I put my mind to?

With that said,

I feel like throwing in the towel and just living normal… if that’s even possible. Life is too expensive for me and Its created this mental slavery I see no way out of.

Man, I feel so fucking lonely.

It feels like I’m sinking into the unknown.

I want to love but I forget how.

I crave it like it could save my life.

I crave it like the knife that could end my suffering.

Without love, I’m dull.

A broken glass lying to stay full.

I wish there was a way out.

But there isn’t.

And if there was, it’s probably too distant.