really hoping not to bring the wrath of teenage tumblr assholes upon myself here, but.
i didn't really get Jin Guangyao's character when i first watched The Untamed and read MDZS. there was a lot going on with the protags i instantly loved and a bunch of other side characters, and i didn't pay attention/missed a lot of the little moments of development for him as well as his connection with Lan Xichen, so his final speechifying and the drama of his ending didn't really do anything for me. i enjoyed his acting in the series a lot, but i found the ending scene boring. and the method of Jin Guangshan's murder was just too icky for me tbh. a friendly anon asked me to keep an open mind, though, and i did! but even as i rewatched/reread in good faith, i really didn't think i would change my mind. still, i was open to it because i've had this experience before, of initially disliking a character and then finding them more and more compelling as i dug into the text. and now i genuinely love little murder dimples!
like, i keep wanting to articulate what i find so fascinating about him, but i don't think i can. there was a conversation in The Americans that always stood out for me, where the two spies talk about how the way to make it work - all the lying, the infiltrating, the seducing and sleeping with people they wouldn't normally be into, etc. - the way to make it both convincing and bearable for yourself is to "make it real," i.e. make yourself believe that you mean it in the moment. i just find that idea really interesting, because i think our natural impulse when being forced to do something we don't want to do or don't think is right, is to do it angrily, begrudgingly, or miserably. to insist internally on how much we hate it!! fine, i'll do it, but i'll complain the whole time! but that's not how you be good at it.
and i often think of that in relation to Jin Guangyao. i think that's part of what makes him an effective spy and a compelling character, and that's the function his little smile serves (or one of several functions, obviously). there's just this constant uncertainty about when he's lying and when he's telling the truth, and i think at least like 60% of the time, he's lying while also telling the truth. because he's making it real for himself. because that's the only way forward. this story is overwhelmingly about people who feel that they're doing what has to be done, and this is just JGY's version of that. like, i am convinced that as he's pulling the sword out of that general dude and turning to Nie Mingjue to tell him "it wasn't me", at that specific moment he has genuinely made himself believe that it wasn't him.
the moment at the Guanyin temple, when Lan Xichen reminds him that Jin Ling is a child and his nephew, is probably one of my favorites:
At a loss for words, Jin Guangyao laughed out loud instead. "Er-ge, what are you implying? Of course I know Jin Ling is a child, and that he's my nephew. What did you think I was going to do? Kill him to seal his lips? [...] A-Ling, you hear that? If you try to run away or scream, it seems I might do something terrible to you. I'll let you decide."
i mean it is just so SOOOOOOO. i can't articulate it! i think at first it comes across as your typical villain spiel, but it's not! like, he's saying that he wouldn't do something terrible to him, and look at what these people are implying! but he's also saying that he would do something terrible to him if it has to be done. and like, the first part is not a lie, and the second part is not an empty threat. both are true somehow. he cares about Jin Ling but he will kill him if it becomes necessary. but like, it sounds stupid when i say it like this, when it's actually really intense and complex and just really compelling??
ugh idk man, i just really do appreciate this character a lot, and i wish he wasn't so polarizing to the fandom (though i guess that's why he's polarizing). it's just this piece where no matter how hard you try, you can't quite put your finger on it. but it's THERE.
