Mamihlapinatapai is a word.

yeah boss i don’t tbink he’s the guy youd want to be quoting on that ☠️

i think that killing a dragon should have catastrophic nuclear-fallout level environmental consequences tbh. their blood should scorch and wither the earth with fire and poison, the toxic fumes released as they decay should choke the land and all nearby living creatures, and the entire landscape where they fell should be transformed into a blighted wasteland where bleached leviathan bones loom upwards out of the ground as a warning that can be seen from miles away, the boundary markers of an exclusion zone.

i also think that it would be wonderfully ironic if those who sought the fame and glory of the title of 'dragonslayer' only ended up with the bitter, enduring reminder of the devastation they're responsible for. this is not a place of honor. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here.

butch fatale

She walked into my office with the swagger of a racecar pit crew boss. From her steel toed boots to her safety glasses, this dame was giving me forklift certified vibes strong enough to shake me loose from my classic depression laced with alcoholism.

her carabiner jingled with keys to four speakeasies, two u-hauls, and a thousand broken hearts.

around when I first started dating my boyfriend i bought myself this novelty blanket that looks like a photorealistic tortilla because I am SUCH A SUCKER for novelty shit. when he saw it in person for the first time his eyes lit up, which should have been a warning sign for the indignities to come.

so he’s a first responder and his day shifts start obnoxiously early as far as I, a pampered corporate asshole, am concerned. almost invariably when he’s at my place there will be an alarm at an hour that is downright unconscionable that will make him wake up and roll out of bed to get ready and will simultaneously make me burrow under the pillows grumbling about how surely nobody actually NEEDS their lives saved this early in the morning, after which I will promptly attempt to go back to sleep

he is a clever man and he knows this is when i am most vulnerable to attack.

every single time we do this dance, he quietly dresses, packs up, goes about getting ready to leave, and then when i have juuuust fallen back asleep, he returns with the tortilla blanket. He finds it no matter where I have hidden it.

He then creeps silently up to my side of the bed and uses his superior speed, strength, and reflexes to wrap me up in it incredibly tightly while i am still dazed and sputtering, so that i cannot move my legs or arms and am reduced to humiliating halfhearted magikarp flops that do not deter him from at least attempting to kiss my forehead.

then he goes to my bedroom door, opens it, then pauses, turns around, looks at me, the soft human filling of the facsimile of an enormous burrito he has just constructed, and says in his best romantic lead voice “I’ll see you soon, beans.”

you cannot understand how devastating it is to my ego that i am beans.

There's a lesson here

@is-the-snake-video-cute

What the hell? Is this normal? Is the snake ok?

Thanks for tagging me!

So, this isn't good, and it's not normal, but this is something that can happen in even healthy snakes, with a few big qualifiers. This only really happens on ophiophagus (snake-eating) snakes, like this kingsnake, and it happens because they think they smell food and wind up biting themselves. This snake happened to bite at just the right angle to swallow their tail, and as they kept going, any pain they felt was dismissed as being from their "prey" biting them.

This snake is probably okay. As you can see in the video, they let go as soon as some hand sanitizer got in their mouth - snakes hate the smell and taste of the stuff.

Situations like this are very rare. This snake's keeper did the right thing - it looks like they brought them to to the vet based on the table, and some hand sanitizer got them to let go with no issues.

Oh yeah, The Ordeal. Its normal to wake up in a cold sweat years later with nightmares about The Ordeal. Anyone who didn't go through The Ordeal is forever marked as a little too carefree. A little too uninhibited. Its illegal not to send your kids to The Ordeal.

This YouTube thumbnail has the same energy as the educational sunfish memes. Can we have some educational opah memes in the chat

So my mother recently got married (mashallah). And she set up this thing where guests were encouraged to take photos of the proceedings on their phones and text them in to a given number, after which they would be played as a slideshow on a screen at the front of the venue. I want you to take a minute to imagine how this went.

It began just about as you would expect. People taking photos of each other and the décor and taking selfies and having a good time. The slideshow was tasteful. Clearly not “professional,” but nice and personal.

And then people start getting a little drunk. A person who signs their work only as “Moo” posts this masterpiece:

[ID: a vertically oriented photo of a garbage can. A long table draped with lavender fabric at which the bride and groom are seated is in the background. The garbage can is centred in the frame, clearly the focus of the photo. End ID]

Someone at my table notices. “Is that... a photo of a garbage can? What?” We all express confusion and have a chuckle about it. Clearly someone is taking the prompt liberally. But the avant-garde approach to what is worthy of documenting does not end here, and our artist soon enters these submissions into the canon:

[ID: photos of a pendant fire sprinkler, a ceiling vent, a lightswitch, and a door handle. the photos show a casual, non-intensive approach to framing (neither perfectly even nor deliberately askew, &c.) end ID]

Meanwhile someone has uploaded this photo of the groom:

He is sitting at the bride and groom’s table alone with his hands clasped in front of him. I can’t show you his face but he has a bit of stubble and is wearing wire-framed rectangular glasses. I can best describe his vibe to you by saying that he wore this newsie cap to his wedding and this made perfect sense.

Using this photo, someone at our table makes their first few volleys:

[ID: the groom cut out of the photo from before and edited into an empty booth at an empty chain restaurant and an empty movie theatre, respectively. End ID]

At this point, basically everyone except the bride and groom have noticed, and are more or less following the evolution of this guérilla art project. Some people are trying to talk the instigators out of submitting their unworthy photos; others are riling them up.

Moo makes several more of their found object entries:

[ID: a cleaning schedule sign on a bathroom wall; a bathroom sign reading “men”; a digital thermostat; a framed photo of a smiling man, the sign for the men’s bathroom reflected in its glass. end ID]

And it goes back and forth like this for a while, Moo submitting objects (a close-up on the tines of their fork; a mop bucket; a framed fish head) and their nameless collaborator, not be to undone, putting the groom into more situations:

[ID: the groom's head edited onto the body of a cast member in the Broadway musical Newsies, his cap causing him to blend in perfectly; the groom's head edited onto Jamie's head from Mythbusters as he poses next to Adam, his cap causing this edit to be perfectly seamless. end ID]

A further development in the form of these submissions occurs when The Editor invents reappropriation and collage, beginning to edit the groom into photos that other people have uploaded:

[ID: the photo of the groom at the table from earlier, edited so that there are two identical grooms sitting side-by-side: text over their heads reads "Just Married!"; another photo of the groom standing and smiling with a drink in his hand, apparently talking to another groom who is holding his stomach, throwing his head back and laughing aloud. end ID]

Meanwhile, Moo has taken his aesthetic ethos to its only possible logical conclusion:

A photo of a urinal. “Fountain,” Moo, iPhone camera, 2023.

People are now watching the screen even more actively, laughing each time a new silly photo arrives in the stream of genuine submissions. Moo submits a photo of a dented Pringles can seen through a grate in the street outside and a photo of a bag of road-salting ice. The photo of the groom at the table is edited so that he sports a towering Cat-in-the-Hat hat instead of the newsie cap; the groom is edited into an astronaut suit on the moon; he and the bride wearing her fur stole are edited as Jackie O. and JFK in the limo (this last The Editor wisely did not upload but sent only to me).

Not content, however, with editing the groom into non-wedding photos or with sabotaging earnest submissions to the photo album, The Editor proceeds to bring us full circle by reappropriating Moo's recontextualisations, Sherrie Levine-like:

[ID: 1. the photo of the garbage can from earlier, with the groom edited onto the flap that you push garbage through; 2. the groom edited into the photo of the framed photograph from earlier; he has been made greyscale to match the photograph; 3. the photo of the urinal from above, with the groom edited into its bowl. end ID]

The people at Moo’s table (groom’s family) love this last submission ("Urine a Urinal," Anonymous, iPhone camera, 2023). They watch the screen waiting for it to come up again, and when it does, they shout “there it is!” and laugh and clap.

Alas, our destabilisation of what constitutes artistic merit was not allowed to persist. Like the Society of Independent Artists sticking Duchamp’s “Fountain” behind a partition, the bride and groom silently deleted all of the unworthy submissions from the publicly shared album. Luckily, I saw this coming and was able to document the proceedings.

In conclusion, I recommend not crowdsourcing your wedding photos unless you have a very well-developed sense of humour.

top 10 inconsequential tumblr pet peeves are those posts welcoming in new tumblr users from other websites that include a list of "rules"/"cultural norms" for being on tumblr that are framed as universal edicts, even though they very clearly just reflect the OP and their relatively insular social circles and not a broader 'site culture' whatsoever

baby autusm so small . the hawk take him away

yknow what yeah. tony hawk take him away

i never knew that i was pirating anime and manga as a kid like i genuinely just thought it was free online

PLEASE for the love of god read this

The first sentence was a left hook that I almost did not recover from.

The Dollskill brand copywriting bible… we found it…

this is like a clockwork orange but a girl