every time i think i’m done spending money on this wedding suddenly there’s another hundred smackaroos i gotta give to some other bozo and/or bullshit
really have done fuck-all today which i don't mind so much, it's just about how i waste my time—i can binge the vampire diaries or whose line is it anyway or whatever for twelve straight hours and that's fine bc there's a structure to that, i'm engaged with what i'm doing. but aimlessly scrolling on my phone always always leaves me with, like... this hungover feeling. sleep-deprived. fugue state. something.
so it's like 5:46 P.M. but i'm trying to turn my mood around. not sure what i want to work on (book 3? fanfic? lifetime movie recap?) and maybe i'll spend the rest of the night trying to decide rather than actually working on any of it, but maybe the effort will make me feel better anyway.
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#the urge to finish my eddissy wips#vs the urge to work on my next book#vs the feeling that it’s pointless why bother i’m not that good at this anyway#aka once again we’re struggling to regain that sense of happiness excitement purpose in our work#but i just can’t seem to find that foothold#and i’m beginning to realize it really is about the external validation#you need a support system you need people who care and you need them to show it#i feel like i’ve been feeding my work into the void for years now#and there’s no foothold in the void#i just want to feel like this matters again#tbd