So I just now learned that museums on Twitter were having a battle over the best bum around! I am delighted!!!

I mean, just look!

WHY DID NOBODY FUCKING INFORM ME

i'm the sexiest bitch in this supermarket checkout line

call that a (joke incoming)

call that a self checkout

@luckynumber1213 pffttt

LOL

So tonight I joined my parents, and the neighbours, at the local pub quiz. We won, and won the bonus round, much to the annoyance of the other teams. Apparently my parents and their friends win every other week. Nerds. So to prank them the landlord had a special “Super Hard Pub Question” for us for double or nothing on our prize (vouchers for a gallon of beer) to let the rest of the pub feel better because we were “guaranteed to lose” since there was “no way we could know the answer.” I got picked to answer it because I’m the youngest and have less General Knowledge.

The question?

“What is the word for beer in Ancient Egyptian?”

Pub: *loud raucous laughter and cheering*

Landlord: *looks smug*

Me: Do you want that in English or in the original Hieroglyphs?

Landlord: The hieroglyphs of course!

Pub: *more laughter*

Me: *scribbles quickly in the 10 seconds I had to answer*

Landlord: Fuck. Me. 

Pub: *utter silence broken only by someone at the back exclaiming WTF* 

Landlord: How did you even know that?

Me: You picked the one person here who can read them?

Landlord: Oh shit it’s you isn’t it?

Dad yelling from the back: SURPRISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It’s safe to say we’re simultaneously fucking legends/not very popular at the local right now.

This is my new favorite post.

is this what happens when tumblr people go out into the real world

First we all said, “If Twilight can get published, anyone can get published.”

Then we all said, “If 50 Shades of Gray can get published, anyone can get published.”

With this, I just have to ask, “Where are all our best selling books?”

Find Out Your Dragon Name As Long As It Isn’t Rugarth Because That One Is Mine

Kin

@luckynumber1213 hmmm… ok lol 🐉

I think you know ... I do what I want LOL @hobbithorse19

Lmfao

This post honestly keeps getting better

my family has called this playing under cover monster :3

@sherlocktheravencat

@little-red-83

Putting a hardstyle track over this Bollywood movie worked amazing [x]

The Hobbit - The Musical.

It looks like Thorin Oakenshield at Durmstrang …

Durin’s Day festivities getting real

Reblogging this again because it’s just hilarious!!

Amen.

100%

And waiting to be infiltrated by Lara Croft.

Amen

Edgar Allen hoes

Fun fact: Ardeth Bay has ‘scribe’ written on both his cheeks in hieratic.

Who brought fucking scribe scribe

I always wondered what the cheek marks were but I never learned hieratic.

Bless.

(I think the forehead is just nonsense hieroglyphs facing two separate directions though, it’s been awhile?)

It says Imhotep (2)

So Imhotep Imhotep scribe scribe

Dammit bae bae

2 Imhotep 2…he’s double moon moon

2 Imhotep 2 Furious

— Iliza Shlesinger, “War Paint”

Imagine introducing the company to the concept of “if I lick it, it’s mine”

*at Rivendell*

You: *grabs a goblet that you find aesthetically pleasing* this one is mine *licks the entire rim*

Literally everyone but Gandalf and Elrond: *internally* what the fuck?

*the next morning at breakfast with Elrond*

You: I need to go the the bathroom will you save me a few pastries?

Kili: no, you better hurry, if you do you might get one.

You: *sets aside your fair share of pastries on the plate, looks Kili dead in the eye as you lick every single pastry on the plate before setting it down and going to the bathroom*

Thorin: *soon as you’re gone* why do they insist on licking everything?

Elrond: it’s a human thing, it function on the concept of, “if I lick it, it’s mine.” My son, Estel, does it as well, and he’s lived with Elves virtually all his life and yet he is still so human.

*later that evening while the company lounges together*

Thorin: hey, (y/n) there is something that’s been bothering me.

You: *laying on the cool stone floors with your head in his lap, and hums in acknowledgement*

Thorin: Elrond told us about the peculiar way humans claim things by licking them, and I was wondering if that extended to other people?

You: *sits up and looks at him* you are asking if I can claim another person by licking them?

Thorin: yes

You: *threads your fingers through the hair at the back of his head before closing your hand around his hair, tilting his head back* let’s find out *licks the column of Thorin’s throat*

Thorin: *his toes curl in his boots, and a shiver moves up his spine with pleasure*

Kili: Hey! That’s our uncle!

Fili: you can’t claim him!!

Fili and Kili: *lick the sides of Thorin’s face*

Thorin: *now feels gross considering he has three separate adults licking him and is starting to feel like the long suffering uncle again * boys, please this was only enjoyable when only (y/n) was licking me.

Kili: uncle tastes salty

Dwalin: so you can taste his personality?

Thorin: NO, its hot out, so I’m just sweaty.