I’ve been away for a little while, but I wanted to update you all and give some proof of life.

I’m on the uphill climb from the worst period of my life. I will have scars from this until I die. I gave all of myself to a situation that wound up being the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I made a decision years ago that led to bad things happening and now my life, my family and I are forever changed because of it. I’ve carried things I couldn’t talk about and that burden has very literally almost killed me. I still cannot believe the absolute shit show I put up with.

But now there’s healing. I’m shopping for a therapist because there’s too much damage for me to sort out on my own. I’m focusing on my kids because they’re the most important part of my life. I’m happy in a new relationship with someone whom I never doubt cares for me the way he says he does (and makes me from-scratch chicken gravy and biscuits for breakfast). I have two new meaningful tattoos planned - one I’ve wanted for 6 years but didn’t get because of someone else’s ideas for it, and one together with a very special person. I’m working on getting my mental and physical health back, on getting ME back. I’ve learned intimately that people suuuuure like to say one thing but then do another, or just make shit up out of whole cloth, and that I can never forgive lies or will ever put up with one again.

So for now, I’m going to continue to stay mostly offline as far as social media and Tumblr. There’s just a lot of stuff here that isn’t healthy for me; a lot of lies and people who are not what they’re pretending to be and that’s just not my jam. I do hope you’re all doing well. I want to catch up on your lives but scrolling my feed is still difficult for me. I’m keeping myself busy with finally finishing a painting I started a decade ago (with the tiniest brush possible), pickling onions and making hot sauce, cuddling with the mayor, introducing my best friend to my boyfriend and having a great time together.

And I’m not picking at mental scabs. I’m far too smart and nice and hot for all that bullshit. 😉

XOXO😘

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn’t want to leave my on-hold music/last post for a while set to a bummer of a post, so here’s me on my 44th birthday. My life might not look quite like what I thought it would at this stage, but at least I still look good.

Thank you all for the messages, birthday and in general. I’ll be ok. It’s just a… weird time for me. And being on here still fills me with anxiety and anger and all the bad things, so bye again for now. Just wanted to give some proof of life and for the annual birthday selfie. 🩵✌️

I’ve gotta be honest with everyone - I hate it here. This used to be my social space, my comfort zone, where I’d come and spill my guts and commiserate and/or celebrate life with you all.

It’s not that place anymore for me. There’s a lot of pain here. More than anyone here could ever know. I’ve stopped looking at much and moved the app to a less accessible place on my phone. But it’s time to delete the app. At least for a while. There are painful accounts and painful memories and painful posts.

There’s a lot of gossip and bullshit that I just don’t want to be a part of. I used to put everything on here. I feel like those days are done. It didn’t get me anywhere good. I’ve been pulling back a lot but it hasn’t been enough. When that latest tumblr-sky-is-falling news came out, my first reaction was “Good. Let it finally die.” It’s nothing personal - it’s clear I’ve been going through some shit for a while, and this place has been a catalyst for a lot of that shit. I’m just not cut out for what social media can/has turn(ed) into. I avoided this kind of stuff in high school and i don’t like dealing with it as a grown woman, especially when I’m part of it.

There were two eras in my life that I called my rock bottom(s). Once in 2010, and again in 2017. I always thought that if I ever got that bad again I wouldn’t survive it. This is worse than both of those times. I’ve lost over ten pounds in a little over a week because my body is rejecting all food. My everyday, real world life has been irreversibly changed because of this place, and I regret it. I’m not well. The mental and physical pain is overwhelming.

So rather than word vomit my every bad thought and feeling on here, while continuing to see shit that makes it worse, I’m taking off for a while. I’m too sensitive for it. I hate that it’s come to that but this is an incredibly toxic and unhealthy place for me. I’m not saying any of this for sympathy, just as a psa in case you try to get a hold of me and I don’t respond. And becaue I care about a lot of you, and I wanted to update you. I need to focus on my real life and getting healthy again, mentally and physically.

I think it’s time for me to take a leave of absence from this place. It’s not healthy for me to be here. I might check in and if you wanna get ahold of me I’ll still respond, but it’s become very difficult to be on here. Peace out for now. Love you 🩵

I bought myself Eric Wareheim’s cookbook, and this was the first page I opened to. This book and I are going to get along just fine.

I woke up in the wee hours from the most grotesque and bloody dream I’ve maybe ever had that involved my cat ripping the face off another cat, and once I was awake enough to gather my wits realized I had a runny nose. Only it wasn’t a runny nose, it was a bloody nose. Blood everywhere. My face, my hands, my bed.

I cleaned that up and went back to sleep. Had a dream I was watching a training video of some kind but I was in a main aisle at Target watching on a tv on an endcap. Cy Curnin walked behind me holding a whole watermelon and a baseball bat muttering something about a snack. Then another tv distracted me from another endcap behind me and when I looked to see what the deal was, it was Vince Neil playing a video for Home Sweet Home and he was just standing there watching it and getting really into it. That’s when I realized I was dreaming and woke up.

Then I had another dream where my house was getting remodeled and turned from its actual state of a sweet and pretty early 1900s cottage/bungalow to a gaudy 1930s modern/art deco thing with round walls and glass block windows and a neon sign calling my house “The Darlington”.

I used to have extremely vivid dreams. Then I haven’t for a few years now. And now they’re back and holy shit are they back.

Instead of an emotions dump, here’s The Mayor just killing it at his job.

Sometimes I see media that’s very much My Brand and makes me think, “Why haven’t I consumed this yet?”

My birthday is in a couple weeks, and I just realized I’ll be the same age my gramma was when I was born.

I’ve just been sitting here looking at my calculator app on my work computer for like five minutes just… 😶

Half an hour later We packed up our things

Said we’d send letters And all of those little things

They knew we were lying Smiled just the same

Seemed they’d already Forgotten we came

Sloppy tater-totchos. Because life is short and I’m a fantastic cook.

I found my ACT scores from 1997. I got a 24 total which is considered good (comfortably above average for the time) but not great, but I didn’t study for one second for these tests. My friends crammed and stressed and I showed up with a pencil. I also think it’s pretty funny that I was so shit at algebra but so very not shit at trig. Also also, English and grammar were (are) my JAM.