Every. God. Damn. Music. Video.

Since everything looks like a youtube comments section, I think it’s time we acted like this is a youtube comments section.

first

kill yourself this video sucks UNSUBSKRIBED

XD Like if Pewds sent you here!!!!

I find this difficult to masturbate to

Hello, I am a young music producer trying to gain some recognition. Please help me by subscribing to my videos. Your support is much appreciated.

im 13 and i wish kids my age listened to the ink spots more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like if fallout 4 brought you here!

OMFG tat wuz awesum lel XD it was rlly funy at 0:15 xp i hoope u post le moar soon, twas a good vid!!!

“quote from the video”

*some smartass responding with “I too watched the video”*

What song?

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ T H I S  C O M M E N T  I S  C O P I E D  A N D  P A S T E D ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Come to Brazil

Darude-Sandstorm

under 301+ club!!!!

239 people missed the like button!

I had to punch something to feel manly again.

0:55 LMAO

This song isn’t gay!!!!!!!!!!! Stop saying it’s gay!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I the only one who wasn’t sent here by some mediocre “gamer?” Have none of you sheep ever heard of good music on your own? This generation is absolutely hopeless.

thumbs up if you heard this on the subaru commercial!

Tyler made it onto a buzzfeed quiz

IM DEAD INSIDE

are you kidding me.

“what’s good?”

Art

i can’t believe i’ve been on this blue hellscape for so long that im called upon as a scholar of ancient tumblr memes but yet……here we are……

[cracks knuckle] so the chocolate bird meme.

the chocolate bird meme actually started in 2011, technically. a gif of a cockatoo in a chocolate foundation began circulating…

 ….and for some reason struck people as “relatable content.” i remember seeing it as early as april 2011. that post ended up getting hundreds of thousands of notes (which was a HUGE deal at the time since the site’s user base was much smaller. think the equivalent of getting like 1.5 million notes now.) 

then, shockingly, someone decided to write an essay about why the gif wasn’t funny at all, but rather problematic and abusive. i believe this was written in december 2011/january 2012.  

what this person and a shit ton of others DIDN’T know (because no one fucking googles anything) is that it was a CGI bird. the entire scene was fake. it was from fucking JACK AND JILL, aka the movie widely regarded as the WORST ADAM SANDLER MOVIE OF ALL TIME–let me say that again bc it’s saying a lot: the worst ADAM SANDLER movie OF ALL TIME. 

by january/february 2012, the gif had started a site-wide debate about whether or not it was a depiction of animal abuse. people were literally unfollowing other people based on whether they supported/condemned the gif. no matter what opinion you voiced, you were pretty much guaranteed to get flack or anon hate, tbh.

one person defending the gif replied to the OP of the post that condemned it, and the OP’s response is what really launched The Meme.

the OP’s reply, beginning with “listen here cum-slut….” became a copy pasta. at first, people would just paste the entire unedited rant into any situation where injury or insult was perceived. then people started adding it as a caption to unrelated or tangentially related posts (anything to do with birds or people eating chocolate were frequent targets)

the one i remember the most vividly was the version that someone attached to a gif of augustus gloop in the chocolate river from the 2005 charlie and the cholate factory where any mention of birds was replaced with “fat kid” (2011/2012 tumblr was v problematic and The Discourse had not yet taken root) 

eventually the entire rant just got shortened to “listen here cum-slut” because the meme was so pervasive that pretty much everyone who had a tumblr at the time had memorized the rest of the post or some variant of it. just quoting the opening line implied the rest of the copy pasta (very similar to “what the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch?”)

so that’s how a cgi gif of a bird in a chocolate fountain caused a website-wide war. the lesson here is that tumblr has and always will be a garbage site. started at the bottom and yeah no we’re still at the bottom nothing has changed get used 2 it kids. or leave and save yourselves. it’s obviously 2 late 4 me

I just witnessed a fucking murder

THE ENTIRE FAMILY

idk why indie girl singers get so much shit when indie guy singers literally don’t breathe out of their nose… everytime i listen to bands like 1975 im like….. Dude…. U congested or something?????

you’re not wrong, but Matty Healy is an angel and did nothing wrong

please crawl out of that greasy little man’s ass

Lord!! (gasp)  bye ..

I HATE YALL SO MUCH

STOP IIIIITTTTT LMFAOOOO

i’m the one in the shower

bye she was going off

white person: what if a white person was trapped on a mysterious island with an erupting volcano and there was a helicopter to get us to safety but it was activated by voice-only commands and there were no black people around and the password was the n word, would it be ok for a white person to say the n word then

I’m sorry, but this is HILARIOUS!

I CANT RBELIEBE THI

lol … why would it be harry there cant be two timberlakes

like does he now know that this already happened if anything harry’s gonna be the new joey

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

OK PLEASE DON’T JOKINGLY VOTE FOR DEEZ NUTS

IT’S FUNNY AND ALL, BUT IT’S REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT WE DON’T DETRACT VOTES FROM BERNIE

BY VOTING FOR DEEZ NUTS YOU’RE LITERALLY THROWING YOUR VOTE AWAY

PLEASE DON’T ACTUALLY VOTE FOR DEEZ NUTS

Shut the fuck up Deez Nuts has the policies and commitment to change this goddamn country. Fuck you tumblr, you finally get a candidate who cares and you refuse him

Today, I fucked up... by calling a locksmith when I was “locked out” of my car

I’ll preface this by saying I’m usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I’ll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker - as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nada.

I call a locksmith, explain that I’m locked out of my car. He says he’ll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the door jamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

“So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I’ll have it open in a minute.”

“No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead.” I replied.

He stops and for about 10 seconds. Doesn’t say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he’d have to tell was worth the drive out.