hi it’s my yearly tumblr update lmao. hope someone is still out there reading. sorry this one’s going to be kinda a downer.
can’t believe the pandemic is still a thing. i can’t believe i was naive enough to think it would be over soon when it began. i mourn the person i was before the pandemic; i’ll never be the person i was before ever again. i was so full of hope and ready to really begin living, and now i’m so, so cynical. i’m cynical because it hurts to read news of police violence and racially motivated violence over and over again, knowing that it won’t be the last. i’m cynical because people around me care more about their right to not wear a mask over others’ wellbeing.
i find myself desperately grasping at any chance of external validation i can get. am i talented enough, pretty enough, funny enough, unique enough? how do i get more followers on xyz? am i getting enough likes on this one design of mine? why aren’t i as talented as xyz?
now more than ever i miss having an online community to go to after hours. i miss having mutuals and connecting with people online. the only people i talk to now are my parents, my college friends (but we’re all so busy), and my coworkers.
speaking of coworkers, i’m starting a really cool new job on monday. it’s such a good opportunity for me and i’m so so so so grateful and humbled to be able to say that. but the thing is, i used to think that the moment i get my dream job at my dream company, i’ll finally be satisfied. but now that it’s sort of happened, i’ve realized that a job at the end of the day is just a job. and when all the titles and portfolio pieces and big names are stripped away from my identity, i’m left with something that resembles a drone. and that scares me. i don’t want to be just my job, but my job is all i know how to do well.
okay this post is too depressing. here are some things i’m happy and thankful for:
- my entire family is fully vaccinated!
- my friend is doing really well on her twitch channel and i love seeing friends do what they love to do
- my best friend is coming home next month and i’ll get to see her
- i’ve been trying to walk 10K steps a day and the sunshine/vitamin D really helps my mood
- my new job is going to be such a good learning experience
- i’ve finally upgraded my phone for the first time in 5 years
i turn 24 next week. i’ve spent 23 in quarantine. (i’ve been on tumblr since i was 13.) this wasn’t what i expected my early 20s to look like. but if the pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that there are just some things that are out of your control, and that’s okay.
i hope 24 year old michelle finds a nice community to be a part of, and develops who she is as a person, and not as an Art Director at XXXXX working on XXXXX.
