— Margaret Atwood

— Truman Capote

— Mark Haddon

— Ernest Hemingway

#171: Shun the Nonbelievers

I was minding my own business, doomscrolling on Twitter the other day when I found this tweet from Sarah J. Huntington — a writer who sent a bunch of her stories to a friend for comments and received a rather shocking reply.

Here’s the tweet:

Here’s what Sarah’s friend said:

Like the thousands of other writers who saw this tweet, I was stunned. Getting mean comments from rando haters on the Internet is one thing. But when you send a trusted friend a piece of unpublished writing, you would appreciate at least an attempt at courtesy.

Many offered their support in the thread below Sarah’s tweet, including some famous writers. Lots of people also shared their own experiences with this type of feedback from their family members and writing professors.

The truth is that many writers are getting this sort of poisonous feedback every day. And for most of us, this isn’t countered by the kindness of a thousand strangers on the Internet.

Being a fledgeling writer isn’t easy. You’re getting yourself into a craft that takes years to master. You have no idea whether it’ll lead anywhere. The insecurity can be overwhelming. The last thing you need is having your (usually clueless) friends inform you that you will never be good enough to be a writer.

At the same time, you can’t expect people to be nicer – certainly not all people. The only real way of dealing with this is to be prepared when it comes. But how?

Imagine Failure

Failure certainly is a possibility. Not every writer succeeds. As far as probabilities are concerned, it may be even more likely that you’ll fail.

But what would it be like if it happened? Imagine it’s 2030. You’ve been writing for 10 years. A few things seemed promising, but nothing ever caught on. What then?

Would you be ashamed of yourself for wasting all that time? Would you be terrified of talking to your friends about it?

Or would you be proud of yourself? Proud for working hard and taking a chance. Proud for not giving up your dreams without a fight. Maybe failure wouldn’t be such a big deal?

Thinking about failure upfront can free you from many insecurities that you might have about your writing. Making your peace with it will make you less susceptible to other people’s insensitive comments. If you fail, so what?

Don’t be ‘a writer’

When you can call yourself a writer? When you first start writing? When you publish a book? This has been subject to much debate and anguish in the writing community.

How about never?

When you call yourself a writer, people (including yourself) will expect you to live up to some sort of standard. However, nobody knows what it is.

The word ‘writer’ means vastly different things to different people.

It also ties your self-worth to your success. When a story of yours isn’t good enough, it implies that you’re not a good enough writer and by extension a good enough person.

The best way to go about this is to talk about what you’re writing instead — like ‘I write sci-fi stories’ or ‘I write a blog post every week.’

That shifts the focus from you to your work. And when people start tearing it down, it won’t feel like they’re attacking your entire existence.

Enjoy the Process

Like I said, writing is hard. But if you can find something enjoyable about the process itself, you will be in a much better position to handle people’s criticism when it comes.

When you’re having fun, what does it matter what people think? If they like it, great! If not, well, you still had fun writing the story.

Haters and rejection come with the territory. Dealing with them is never easy, but it can be easier when you’re expecting them.

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Past Editions

I love this breakdown that OP did. Marvelous work, @writingdotcoffee and thank you for being a supportive and encouraging voice for writers.

I respectfully want to add a comment that I hope will drive OP’s initial comments home because it needs to be said. The response from that Sarah Huntington’s “friend” was not only dripping with emotional manipulation and projection, but also so very, very incredibly shallow. It’s not in the least bit thoughtful nor is it one of those “tough love” replies we often expect friends to give. In the most straightforward sense, this is a blatant, “I want to hurt you by insulting you and your work.” @writingdotcoffee called it exactly what it is: poison, and it’s horrendous. Sarah should drop that friend, ASAP, or at the least that person should no longer be a test reader.

You can’t say “I loved your stories” then say things like “I doubt you’ll sell anything”, “focus on your good job”, AND have the audacity to say “Let me know what you decide”! Tell me I’m not the only one who sees what a toxic attack that is and how it’s so much worse because this person wants a follow up on their damage.

Sarah, you deserve better.

— Ernest Hemingway