I’ve started seeing a lot of posts lately that question why so many mlm still fixate on fetishization, given that in the grand scheme of things it’s not really a pressing issue. The implicit message of these posts often seems to be that mlm have a victim complex and want to make it seem like we’re being oppressed by women– or at least, want to compare homophobia from women to misogyny and lesbophobia.
I get the sentiment of these posts, I really do, there’s definitely truth to it. At a certain point, it’s important for mlm to step back and consider the scope of this problem, and whether the criticisms we make (particular criticisms that target women) are actually appropriate. There are a lot of people who take the discourse way too far, and start attacking women or acting as though mlm fetishization is comparable to misogynistic exploitation, especially of wlw.
But disregarding these grotesque outgrowths of the discourse for a second– why is it that so many of us still care? I think there’s more to the answer to this question than just “men are self-centered.”
I have no statistics to back this up, but anecdotally, a lot of the mlm on Tumblr that I have met (I’d say the majority even) are trans. And I think trans mlm often have a unique relationship to straight fetishism of mlm, because for many that was their first opportunity to really connect with the identity of man-who-loves-men.
This is not to say that all trans men used to consort with fetishists or that cis men never get their first exposure to m/m content through things like yaoi. But for a demographic of mlm that generally doesn’t have access to mlm-designated spaces during the process of self-identification, a “woman-friendly” space that fixates on men loving men is often the best there is. We’ve certainly had plenty of people come to this blog and share their story of something similar.
So, why do we still care? Why do trans mlm in particular still care so much? I think the answer is kind of obvious by this point: because in spite of this being many people’s first exposure to m/m, it’s still damaging. It still warps your self-concept and your ideas about what intimacy between men should look like, and what you’ll become by accepting your identity as a mlm– an object, a scandal, and definitely not a full-fledged human being. And especially for those who grew up with this medium as /the only outlet for exploration/, that cuts deep. Assuming a thoughtful, responsible person is the subject here, it’s important to keep talking about it because it doesn’t have to be that way.
The goal of this discourse isn’t to point fingers. It’s not to dish dirt on straight women. It’s not antagonism. The goal of fetishization discourse should be twofold: not only identifying a particular iteration of homophobia, but encouraging alternatives. Encouraging people to think about what harmful ideas about mlm they carry while they’re creating content. Encouraging people to present mlm as human beings in the content they produce. Encouraging our humanization, not just for the sake of our personal self-actualization but to actually shift the tide of how mlm are conceptualized in media. To make it so that young mlm, especially trans mlm, don’t have to settle for burning themselves in order to light their own way. To help young wlw come to terms with their identities without having to push their sga onto proxies that present dangerous homophobic stereotypes.
There are so many constructive, lofty goals to be achieved by continuing to speak about mlm fetishization. And obviously, that’s not the only manifestation of homophobia towards mlm, nor is it even close to the worst. But I think it’s important not to lose sight of why this stirred up so much conversation in the first place. It’s not about shitting on straight women. It’s not about self-pity. It’s about uncovering the tools to identify and /correct/ these problems. And if you’re not doing that, it’s probably worth rethinking your purpose for staying in the discourse.
