IMPORTANT LONG POST: How to deal with Aspies, by an Aspie

Note: This is a post submitted to me, and after reviewing it and consulting with an autistic friend I’ve decided to publish it because it is potentially useful information and good advice in general. As with most accommodations, it would make life easier for neurotypical people as well.

One thing I think this essay is missing is that, especially where the person uncomfortable is a woman or girl and the person with Asperger’s is a man or boy, there are good reasons for the woman/girl to fear giving an outright rejection. Most men and boys will not turn violent, obviously, and it’s most certainly not Asperger’s or any other form of autism that makes anyone violent, it’s the general culture of entitlement and objectification that has been taught to men and boys in general. The problem is that she would have no way to tell who is safe and who is not.

Therefore I’d like to emphasize that every situation is different and there might be valid reasons for people to fear setting boundaries in a clear way. I wish we lived in a better world where everyone felt safe having clear and straightforward conversations like the one outlined here. I agree that it’s a good idea for neurotypical people to take the initiative when they judge that it is safe to, and I hope people with Asperger’s will also stay aware of these dynamics and take initiative, such as asking for opinion and advice from neurotypical friends who might catch the nuances better. I’m rooting for you all to be safe and happy in your interactions!

So an Aspie is doing something off-putting. They could be telling jokes that make you squirm. They could be popping their knee to make a weird sound. They could be strongly opinionated and make you wish they’d shut up about it.

Maybe they have a crush on you. You’ll be able to tell. They might act like you guys are way better friends than you are. They might hug you too much and/or at awkward times. They might stand behind you, waiting for you to finish talking to someone so they can have a private conversation with you. They might hang around you at a dance, just kind of keeping an eye on you so they can snag a slow song with you.

And in case you’re wondering, I have done all these things. I still do sometimes, but I’m getting better.

Crushing on you or not, if an Aspie is bothering you, there’s something very important you have to do:

TELL THEM.

THIS. IS NOT. OPTIONAL.

I mean, technically it is, but here’s what happens if you don’t:

1. They keep bothering you because they don’t know they’re doing anything to make you uncomfortable.

2. You get more uncomfortable and distance yourself from them.

3. You break off your friendship (if you had one) and basically do everything you can to block them out because you can’t take it.

4. They realize they screwed up and react accordingly. (Personally, I lower my self-esteem a couple hundred notches, blame myself and listen to Little Lion Man on repeat until anguish becomes depression, depression becomes apathy and apathy dissipates into normality and the pain goes away. I don’t recommend this. The self-esteem scars will linger for a long time.)

Is this your fault? I’m going to say no, because you’re responding naturally and we were bothering you. It’s an annoying neurotypical habit, but we understand your considerate nature makes you loath to admit we’re putting you off. In fact we probably like you because you’re so nice, and we don’t let go of that perception easily. We’d rather assume we’re the exception (and we probably are.)

But the point is, that cycle is internalized and you need to cut it out. We won’t fault you for it. But it’s still a mistake.

I know it’s hard. I’ve experienced it myself, actually, because something utterly unprecedented happened to me recently. Someone had feelings for me. She was nice but not my type and I was a little put off by her forwardness (but having been in her situation myself, combined with the fact that I was starving for this exact experience, I didn’t mind too much.) And it was hard to go up and talk to her about it. It was very similar to when I would try to ask my crush if I’d been making her uncomfortable recently; you look for an opportunity to talk in private, you see what might be a chance to get them alone, you freeze up. I don’t know if this will help, but in my experience an Aspie is pretty much always down for a private conversation about your feelings if you need to take them aside. This is important to us.

If you think they’re crushing, ask them straight up. Honestly, answering yes to that question is way easier than telling you first. Let them down easy. If they don’t have nice guy syndrome (coughs in direction of Aspies who use their awkwardness as an excuse not to change, or worse, to be actively creepy) they’ll understand completely. Although Aspies tend to think if they completely stop making mistakes and be as chivalrous as possible, they just might be able to turn your heart to them. The key distinction here is that those guys understand your favor is something to be earned, whereas NGS types think they only have to be nice to you once before they’re automatically entitled to it. An Aspie recognizes they might never succeed in winning your affections, but what’s the point in not making sure you’re as happy as possible? We’re like dogs. We’ll do literally anything for you, so if you don’t want us to go out of our way to be helpful, you gotta say “down, boy.” Not with those words.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT, we’re not as totally clueless. We learn to smell when something’s up. Problem is we feel paranoid doing it. That’s because neurotypicals don’t always KNOW an Aspie bothering them and their subconscious could be driving you away. Aspies shouldn’t be ashamed of paranoia when it comes to this kind of thing because it’s rarely unjustified. If they come to you, for glory’s sake, DON’T LIE. My crush did this all the time and it turned out awful for both of us. She only got slightly better before our paths separated; she stopped lying but she’d usually ignore the question and let the ‘seen’ speak for itself. (‘SEEN’ does NOT speak for itself! It confuses the HELL out of us 9/10, so DON’T leave us on read! ESPECIALLY IF IT’S A QUESTION!) If she’d communicated better, we might have had a conversation like this:

Her: Hey ___________, can I talk to you for a second? Me, if this is in person, which is ideal and should always be your first choice: Sure, let’s take this somewhere private. [We do that.] Me: What’s up? Her: I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been doing some things that make me uncomfortable. Me: Oh no! I’m so sorry! I’d never do that on purpose. What have I been doing? Her: Well, you’ve been following me around a lot. Me: I had no idea that bothered you. I just wanted to hang out. I’m so sorry. Her: It’s alright. You’ve also been hugging me a lot? Me: Yeah, I had a feeling that was bothering you. I was going to ask about that. I’ll stop. Her: Thanks. Me: _______, I want you to know that I care about you a lot and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable because of me, ever. Is there anything else I’m doing that’s bothering you? Her: No. Me: Are you sure? I’ve learned from experience I can’t be too careful. I promise I’ll understand. Her: Well, you have been telling dark jokes and they make me uncomfortable. Me: I promise won’t do that around you anymore. Thank you for telling me. Is there anything else? Her: No. Me: Often, people will be put off to Aspies subconsciously because we’re different in subtle ways. I need you to be careful to take that into account whenever I make you uncomfortable and you don’t know why. But if you do know why, then just take me aside again. I’m always willing to listen and I’m so proud of you for having the courage to talk to me. If it makes you feel better, I feel nervous trying to talk to you alone too. Her: That reminds me— do you have a crush on me? Me: Yes. Thanks— I would have been too nervous to tell you without you asking. Believe me, I tried— remember last time we danced, when I changed the subject and then didn’t say anything? Her: I remember that. To be honest I’ve kind of known for a long time. I don’t feel the same, I’m sorry. Me: That’s alright. We’re still friends, right? Her: Actually, I don’t think we’re that close. Friend isn’t the term I’d use to describe our current relationship, if I’m not being broad. Me: Would you mind if we got to know each other better and hung out more, so we could become friends? Her: I’m willing to try that. Me: Thank you. I won’t expect anything more to come of our relationship than that, even if I may hold out hope that it might. Her: Alright. Will you understand if being friends doesn’t work out? Me: Right now, I don’t think I can honestly say if I will, but I’ll be willing to break off completely if it makes you happy. Her: Alright. Good talk. Me: It certainly was. I’m glad we’re being open with each other.

If we’d sat down and done that, we wouldn’t have had the train collision that happened instead. (Again, I take all the blame on myself; communicating this openly is a learned practice. And obviously, it’d be awkward if your conversations were as specifically and literally honest as the one above.) This applies to romantic and platonic relationships alike. Heck, try this with non-Aspies even. It’ll probably help your relationship with them and help you unlearn the practice of saying what they want to hear and doing what you really mean. Hypocrisy is terrible for interaction and relationships.

tl;dr: If an Aspie is bothering you, TELL THEM.