One of the screech owls just hit my window.

Twice.

Then flew away, screaming, down the street.

Godspeed, moron.

Compilation of  Cats Acting Weird 

major cereal subgenres:

cheetos

cheerios are like the archetypal Healthy Cereal, c’mon

wait

now hold on just one moment,

my life has gotten so much simpler since i started responding to strangers asking “why are you in a wheelchair?” with sarcastic one-liners tbh

“why are you in a wheelchair?” “mainly for the parking”

“why are you in a wheelchair?” “i got hit by a wheelchair”

“why are you in a wheelchair?” “why do you walk?”

Help; my wife keeps sending me texts to “Open your snapchat in private ;) ;) ;)” but it’s just pictures of our dogs.

FUCKING ASSASSINATE THE FIRE

b e g o n e, HOT

I’m thinking about her

forbidden fruit

My cat gets really excited when I carry stuff. It doesn’t really matter what…

GIVE HIM THE ITEMS!!!!!

I want to write a DnD campaign but just play it by myself and DM myself

I have been informed that this is called Writing a Book

Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal.

I know you’re being facetious, but this is an actual issue with morphology-based phylogeny.

*leans over and whispers to person beside me* what are they talking about

*leans over and whispers back*  Human ability to quantify and categorize natural phenomena is sketchy at best and wildly misleading at worst

consider the coconut

this reminds me of that time Plato defined humans as “featherless bipeds” and Diogenes ran in with a plucked chicken screaming “BEHOLD A MAN!”

i love how you say “it reminds me of that time” like you were there.

listen if an immortal feels brave and supported enough to come out we should respect them

This post is a journey

1 Reblog = 1 Respect

I maintain that humans started attempting classify animals, and some god or another made the platypus, and is still laughing.

Zeus: *hits joint* okay so like. It’s gonna have a duck bill right. But an otter body okay? And then a beaver tail. It’s a mammal. But. It lays eggs!

Hades: wait wait dude. Give it. Give it poison. Make it poisonous

Athena: You mean venomous, and make sure the eggs have both reptile and bird traits. Hermes: *takes the joint* Give it extra senses. Poseidon: It should be aquatic.

I MEAN where’s the lie

Demeter: … And where exactly do you expect me to put this? Everyone: Australia.

my chest hurts

I don’t know where I fit in. *stares at the emo and sweats*

EXCUSE ME. How DARE YOU simplify white culture this much?! As someone with a WHOLE PhD in White Culture I am APALLED that you would leave out the fusion aspect of white culture which is VITAL to their survival and reproductive evolution, as well as cultural linguistosocio capabilities. Behold the TRUE types of white people, taking fusion into account below:

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Actually I think I have something a little bit more interesting than your simple breakdown. Behold.

It’s my masterpiece, I call it…. The white board.

It’s the perfect political compass.

Asdfghjkl

Omg…

I hate this 😭😭😭😭😭😭

WHY IS THIS SO ACCURATE

Damn it

straight ppl memes: hahahahha when ur wife smashes ur phone bc u stayed out too late

cis ppl memes: hahah did u just assume my gender?? triggered111!!!11111!1 xD

gay ppl memes: when ur bf falls asleep so u start planning what ur gonna surprise him with for breakfast tomorrow

trans ppl memes: new gender who dis

someone: hey can i borrow your phone me: yeah hold on just one second