Hem and Haw

I need to get away from this feeling,

this overwhelming crisis of self -

stuck in between dreams, past and present

somewhere a few avenues beyond help.

The only thing I know for sure,

is that I have no fucking clue.

Everyone telling me what they think

though no one can tell me what to do.

I tried buying my way out of it,

selling my soul, time, and age-

giving up on finding myself

for a salary well above minimum wage.

Whether this is what I wanted,

or an act of necessity - I can’t really tell.

Wants and needs got blurred along the way,

I’ll find out when I reach hell.

I know they’ll call me crazy

when I pass up another opportunity –

that I don’t know what’s good when I have it.

But they don’t know what this will do to me.

For god’s sake, I need room to breathe

I’m only the younger end of twenty.

My path should be mapped by trial and error,

not by finding safety in money.

I fear that if I go through with it,

if I sign my name on the line,

everything I was supposed to be

will never get to be mine.

And though I have questioned God

I have never doubted his plans for me.

I’m not meant to live by the traditional -

with every scar I’ve earned that’s plain to see.

LMA