strawberry bitch🍓

so ur at the party right and there’s this girl in the corner with another girl on a leash with the puppy ears on standard stuff and u start talking to her and she introduces the girl on the leash and says “this is my little puppy, Emily. say hi Emily” and the leash girl does a little bark at u and u say “oh that’s nice” and ur looking for a way to avoid the awkward silence during a 4 second period that feels like a half hour so u ask “does she know any tricks?” so the girl says “come on girl, show ‘em” and the puppy girl gets up pulls out a skateboard and starts doing the sickest kick flips u ever saw

About seven and a half years ago, I was #cancelled for making essentially the same post as OP.

when you're sick you're either a prince moder or a dog moder. prince moding is when you demand many little treats, drinks etc. i personally prefer to drag myself off to a secluded corner to either die or recover, aka dog moding

I hate correcting customers who call me ma'am and miss and honey over the phone, because only about 30 percent of the time do they apologize and start calling me sir, while 70 percent of the time they double down assuming I was trans and continue misgendering me on purpose to show how little respect they have for me as a human being. "Thank you, MISS."

I'm a cis man, for the record.

Whenever I correct someone and they keep it up, I simply refuse service. "Oh, I'm sorry, we're completeley booked up the day you wanted. Yeah, no, we're booked up on your backup dates too. Looks like our next opening isn't until, hmm, mid-November. Oh, but it doesn't have enough beds for your party. We could probably fit you in around New Years, but you'd have to change rooms every day. You might wanna try [more expensive motel] a few blocks north of us, they might have vacancies. Have a good day."

I've been able to dodge what few complaints we've gotten so far because they all tell my boss that they just spoke to a very nasty woman, and she has no idea who they're talking about. "You must have dialed the wrong number, because I'm the only woman here, and I didn't talk to you." That PISSES THEM OFF, and she doesn't understand why they respond with "well we've been staying there for years, but we're never coming back." They think she's protecting me, an afab trans man, and are disgusted by it, but from her perspective they're just crazy people who are complaining about made up bullshit; it doesn't even cross her mind that they're talking about me. Why would it?

My boss is like 70 or 75, and was a Republican until 2016. It's never come up in conversation, but something tells me she wouldn't exactly be a trans ally. I'm in a weird position here, and it's hilarious.

people with siblings: how do you feel about them?

There’s a difference between someone who hides behind ‘playing the devil’s advocate’ when they clearly mean the things they say and just want to not be judged as harshly, and someone pointing out an inconsistency or a logical fallacy in an argument they might not even disagree with and I feel like that gets mixed up.

It literally doesn’t matter if they’re sincere or not. If you have no argument against the devil’s advocate position, then your position is weak and you need to rethink it.

[image description: a screenshot of a tweet by lalito @\vox00_ that reads "I deliberately tell my students not to be devil's advocates in discussions because it normalizes disingenuous argument and leads into gaslighting. There's no point in arguing from the perspective of evil. Nothing good comes from that." /end ID]

[image description: a meme with text "when you missed a session but the group continued while you were gone:" attached is a screenshot of a youtube thumbnail titled "why am I floating in a barrel" with a picture of a guy in a barrel that's submerged deep in water /end ID]

encountered this on united airline's website today. the unseen second option turned out to be frequent flier miles, but RIP to the one glorious moment where it seemed perhaps i would be able to show the price of my flight in some other, non-monetary format, such as bartering with goats or backrubs. the sound of a baby's laughter. your five most precious childhood memories.

when programs fucking autocorrect <3 to ❤️ and :) to 😃,,,, do you have any idea what you’ve just done?? what you just fucking destroyed ?

A) It's irritating when systems turn lovely ascii art into crude little pictograms, and

😎 It's even more frustrating when you weren't actually trying to make an emoji.

[image description: the three small elf mascots for Rice Krispies cereal named (and wearing hats labeled with) Snap, Crackle, and Pop. an edited caption reads "I remember the old days... When 'Snap, Crackle and Pop' were sounds that came from my Cereal, not from my girl smacking my dick and balls around with a wooden spoon..." \end ID]

years ago I’d made a post about how tumblr should add polls, and then they added those, l so now I’m saying they should add a mute button.

iirc you used to only be able to search tags, and they had to be verbatim or else the posts wouldn’t show up, AND only the first 5-10 tags would show up.

Now, any word in the post or tags is searchable. So now, if someone wants to complain about xyz, and only intends for their followers to see it, someone else that’s trying to find positive stuff about xyz are going to see those complaints.

I actually do like the increased visibility of the search filter, but I also think it’s been leading to needless drama. It seems silly at this point for tumblr to not have a mute button. Just because I don’t want to see someone’s bad takes or “technically-sfw” hyperspecific kink art doesn’t mean I also want to permanently bar them from interacting with my posts.

i stroll into the little saltwater store in the city. a border collie comes barreling over and begins nibbling my toes through my open heels. the dude behind the counter introduces himself and asks me if i have any tanks at home or if he needs to set one up for me. i tell him that i have 16 tanks and ask him if he has any personal ones before he can comment on that number. he proceeds to say “yeah, i have a 120 in my office. it has a clam in it.” i cautiously respond “oh, a clam?” and he whips out his phone which already has a livestream up on it. it’s centered on the biggest clam i’ve ever seen, just chillin’ in this tank and taking up half of the available floorspace in a 120 gallon. “that’s my baby,” he says, and points at the unholy bivalve in case i didn’t notice it on my own. there are now two border collies snorfling at my toes while i stare in awe at this dude’s gigantic fucking clam

man with excellent self restraint dismayed to realize that not wanting anything is more likely a depression symptom than a carefully honed skill that atones for other aspects of his character

[Image description: messages between the sender and an individual named Mai.

sender: where you from

Mai: My mother's vagina

sender? oh forreal?? i was just there

sender: beautiful this time of year

/end ID]

so my fridge is covered in femboy pinups i got when i was a subscriber to this porn artist's patreon and i just have like so many femboy pinups and also a furry pinup on my fridge it really is quite erotic

and my wifi password is "onthefridge"

so whenever someone new comes over and i offer to let them use the wifi i tell them the password is "onthefridge" and they go and look at the fridge and are met with all this femboy ass and are like where is it there's a lot of stuff here and i reiterate it's onthefridge and they go where!!! and i come over and type "onthefridge" into their phone and they get so mad

[image description:

screenshot of a twitter thread with three tweets from @/NiceTryOfficer that read "Nothing more silly than the urgency of restuarant work. Oh table 6 needs a lobster right now? Grow up

Oh it's too cold in here? Go home

Oh you're having a bad time? So am I" /end ID]

Moving house tomorrow

Be careful, I’ve heard they’re heavy

Not mine, mine is a

[Image ID: Picture of a lighthouse /End ID]

If I can recommend you do 1 low-effort thing for the love of God it is this:

Keep 5 cards in your pocket. One will say "yes", the second will say "no."

If you lose your voice, or lose speech, or want to make a dramatic embellishment at the right time, it is an elegant and efficient solution that is right there at hand.

But what if people question you from there? "Why do you have that card? Why would you do this? How long have you had that in your pocket?" For this, or whatever else they say, the third card: "I don't have a card for that."

"What the fuck," they ask. They laugh. They are bemused. You bring the energy back down with the fourth card: "I have laryngitis. I've lost speech. My throat hurts". Whatever you expect to occur.

The joke is over. Rule of threes. Now they are curious. YThey wonder about logistics. "How did you know I would say that? Is everyone so predictable?"

As a three-part bit, nobody ever sees the fifth card coming.

"I have powerful wizard magics."

Gets them every time

On it boss!!

[id: a set of 5 UNO cards upon which has been written, "Yes", "no", "I don't have a card for that", "can't talk right now 😢", and "I have powerful wizard magics 🙂". End id]