Aremo Shitai Koremo Shitai Onna no Ko ni Mietatte

Because Elon Musk has decided that "cisgender" is slur, and that comedy is legal on Twitter, I started posting cis jokes. Here they are in case it gets me banned.

Why did the cisgender cross the road?

A cis actually wouldn't make that big of a change at all.

A cisgender rubs the magic lamp and a genie appears.

Genie: "Thank you for freeing me, I will grant you three wishes!"

Cis: "I'm sorry, HOW MANY?! That's too confusing and upsetting"

A font walks into a bar. The cis bartender serves the font without question because despite his hatred and obsession over typeface ideology, he is not as good at telling when he's met one as he thinks.

A father and his son are in a car accident. The father dies at the scene and the son is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the cis surgeon looks at the boy and says "I can't operate on this boy, it would be permanently altering him" How can this be?

How many cisgender people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. Only two. Absolutely no more than two.

A cisgender walks into a bar and isn't given any trouble about using the restroom.

A limbo champ walks into a bar. He loses.

A cisgender observer then campaigns tirelessly to make sure that limboist won't change genders to compete in the women's limbo league.

My brother saved this document and everytime he gets angry at our neighbours for being loud he prints it to their wireless printer and you can hear the wife shout “Why the fuck would you print this AGAIN?!” to her son.

every time we serve chicken at work i think of this post

1.  If you were wondering, you can type the numbers in the works cited into google and they appear to be medical journal articles about using medical imaging to detect and diagnose a rare form of Gastritis.

2. Please enjoy the offical powerpoint presentation of this paper at an academic conference by the original author, complete with Q&A:

THIS IS GOLD

oh m god please watch the video it’s some of the most contagious laughter on the planet

When I saw this cross my dash tonight, I smiled and thought “yess, the chicken chicken chicken post, I get to reblog it again and inflict it on all of the people that have followed me since last time”, and then I scrolled down more and to my utter delight there was A VIDEO, needless to say my night has been made

I HAVE NOT SEEN THE CHICKEN VIDEO IN TEN DAMN YEARS HOLY SHIT

STILL FUNNY

The bell

The last question

The woman howling in laughter 90% of the time

It’s all beautiful

It’s all

So beautiful

I love that he was absolutely 100% prepared for a question in chickenese.

idk if this is a trope or whatever but i love it so much when fictional characters massively downplay the severity of their injuries but in more of a comedic way than a tragic one. like some guy gets impaled and they just glance down at the shard of metal sticking out of them and say some dumb bullshit like "oh man. that's gonna need some ice." and then pass out while all their friends yell at them for being an unfunny idiot with terrible priorities.

autistic people of a particular flavour will master the art of expressing mundane sentiment in amusing ways because their most successful jokes as children were primarily accidental. and when you realise you have that spark of a weirdo it's just a matter of intentionality and comic linguistic optimisation to make yourself a regular sayer of things in funny ways.

some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”

Transcript:

Hey, Big Al, why do all the people in my life with ADHD have such a weird sense of humor?

Oh, that's 'cause we're all super understimulated.

What does that even mean?

Imagine that the inside of your brain had an itch that you really couldn't scratch, but that itch was actually boredom, but that boredom was actually pain.

Oh, I see, yeah, that- that helps me none, zero at all. It also sounds pretty terrifying.

No, it- it's really not a big deal, you just kinda have to learn to restructure your life around it, including comedy.

Okay, so how does it affect the way that you interpret comedy?

So a side effect of understimulation is that your brain is constantly and more often than others' active. You're always thinking, you're always analyzing, you're always trying to problem solve. Because of exactly that, normal comedy and normal humor is a bit predictive, and doesn't really land with people with ADHD.

So what does land with people with ADHD?

Stark, abrupt chaos. Because it cannot be predicted, nor calculated.

Okay, so what would that even look like?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Okay, why?

The Fitnessgram Pacer Test is-

That landed for me

Saying "[X] wasn't invented yet" when the thing

is peak comedy

i really dislike the “no one: literally no one: me: sentence that could’ve just been a post” meme

absolutely fuckin’ nobody:

garmbreak1: you know what I hate,

It can make for a better joke because it delays the punchline, and makes clear that the context is that there is no context.

it’s comedic foreplay.

This was the funniest hour of my life

At the end of the panel we gave them a round of applause for being so brave in trying to write straights and cisgenders

Especially Jasika, who got very emotional about her childhood with straight parents

types of comments on this post:

-straight people saying :/ love is love :/ gay or straight why does it matter ://///

-gay people saying wait no really i’ve never written a non-lesbian pls help

-people pointing out that even straight people don’t know how to write straight people without unnecessary romance

the truly impressive part of this panel was how for an hour, a FULL hour, they talked about writing straight characters like the st8s talk about writing queer characters and they did. not. break. It was the most amazing piece of improv comedy i’ve ever seen. 

FOUND THE LINK: https://castbox.fm/episode/How-to-Create-Straight-Characters-id1117790-id62875239?country=us

t h e l i n k

[image: screenshot of the PodCon 2017 schedule listing for a panel entitled “How to Create Straight Characters”, moderated by Gaby Dunn of Bad With Money with participants Cecil Baldwin of Welcome to Night Vale and Jasika Dunn of Alice Isn’t Dead. (not shown, but identified in the Castbox link for the panel recording: panelist Brie Williams.) the panel description is below:]

So often straight characters are defined by their romantic relationship with someone who is a different gender. How do you keep a story from being overwhelmed by the sexuality of your main character? Is it possible to have a straight character in a story without having a romantic relationship in order to demonstrate their straightness? And how does an LGBTQ storyteller include straight characters while remaining true to their own values and ideals?

Wayback Machine saved the link at some point before it 404ed, but not real usefully. happily, Past Alex saved the audio!

…I don’t suppose anyone is up for transcribing the audio?

@fruityshirts @phantomflame03 @girlwarlock whoever all else is sad about the lack of working audio link, I got y'all’s backs

I made a transcript of the panel if anyone is interested! You can read it here:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1RJo1Y4JkoSICH2DLzBMyh8HbBNKO9sCa?usp=sharing

@lonesparkthefriendlykraken I saw your reply to this post, so tagging in case you wanted this!

transcript transcript transcript! thank you so much!

The fascinating thing about putting human feet on things that aren’t human is that as you get further from the human baseline, it starts out funny, then becomes creepy, then goes back to being funny again. It’s not a continuum.

Like, human feet on a duck: funny.

Human feet on a crab: creepy.

Human feet on a refrigerator: hilarious.

I think roughly the reverse is true for putting nonhuman feet on a person, both in terms of intensity of reaction and the feeling evoked.

Furniture feet on a human: nonsensical to moderately discomforting.

Crab or other invertebrate feet on a human: intriguing aesthetic, artsy even

Duck feet on a human: No.

Let me tell you, my friends, of the story of me and this cursed tumbr post. I am enraged and horrified at the depths to which you have managed to plunge me, oh demons of intellectual curiosity. 

Above you have the Post. Heinous as it is. There it stands. And upon reading the first half of its damnéd text, I thought to myself, “it’s not a linear continuum, it’s a sine wave.” Then I continued to read the thrice-bedeviled second passage, I said, “This is a shifted sine, or perhaps a cosine, methinks.”

At which point I found myself in Excel. With a spreadsheet. I don’t actually remember opening the spreadsheet, but I blame this upon the spell wrought by the discourse above. I dutifully and thoroughly considered the items, and several new ones, to the point of sketching a few of their designs. That calamitous and hellish paper has since been burned over the kitchen sink, as I found I could not look at it without getting sucked back into the mire of this hellish, devil-spawned post.

Here, however, are the final results of my gruesomely insatiable, rigorous analysis.

A table was all well and good but I found myself wondering if it were, indeed, a sine wave, and if so, what sort? And this led, my dear, misguided friends, to a graph. 

It is a sine wave, I said, but not one wave, no, it is the addition of several sine waves, and after a three-hour session with the Goddess Desmos and an appeal to the Paragon of Mathematic Wisdom (commonly referred to as @deadhawke ), the closest we got to the mysterious wave was funniness factor = 2sin(what foot is on) + sin(0.5(what foot is on)).  If anyone is able to find a closer estimate, they are free to read this tome of sacred text:

 http://www.emptyloop.com/technotes/A%20tutorial%20on%20trigonometric%20curve%20fitting.pdf This very text, thanks be to Einstein, Curie, Tesla, and Hawking, was what served to break me from the spell of This Accursed, Most Evil Post, and brought me back to sanity with a cry of “WHY AM I ANALYSING THE ODDNESS OF MISPLACED FEET???” And with that, my friends, I go to bed. 

I applaud your efforts friend, and I have more thoughts on this but it’s 1AM and too late/early to be drawing diagrams, and also I am bad at math.

My favorite thing about this post (I like a lot of things about this post) is that it’s a sideways lesson in data visualization and scientific communication, because if you rearranged the Things axis–Things is not an ordered list, so you could do it however you want–this would not look nearly as satisfying (or like a sine wave at all).

I did try to give the Things an order - from most human to least human. Which is a bit of an arbitrary order, but my thoughts went like this: 

Which just proves I spent too much time on this. 

Aha! A reasonable rubric (and I appreciate the reply!) though I’ll point out that the graph also posits that Human, Duck, Invertebrates, and Furniture are equally spaced along the axis of…um…let’s call it Thing. If I were designing a lesson plan to teach data literacy with this graph, this is the part where I would ask everyone to brainstorm what the units on the Thing axis might be.

I made all kinds of shitty, backwards, obsolete jokes when I used to try to be funny on like 1999 webforums and newgrounds and started doing a gag comic but as I got older and I interacted with more people and was exposed to more conversation, guess what, I stopped finding certain things funny. I didn’t just “comply with  political correctness” and keep them to myself out of fear. I just ceased to see humor in things that were pointlessly demeaning. They didn’t make me happy, they weren’t necessary, they didn’t attract people into my life who were especially kind or enjoyable to talk to and I eventually realized that I only regarded those things as comedy material to begin with because everyone else was doing it and it generated upvotes.

there are a lot of bert and ernie sketches that are just unironically very funny

this whole thing is way too good to be giffed you need to expirience it 

There are so many things that are TOP quality about this. The business with the mic rope. The bounding across the stage like an excited puppy or a newsie. The Voice™️ that is so synonymous with John, you know, the voice of a guy who sells ice cream at the soda fountain in the 50’s. The analogy itself.

It’s all so beautiful, such peak humor and content.

some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”

- “I walked into Target and I missed.”

I know it’s ridiculous, but the “person carrying an absurd and improbable number of weapons must remove them all (to the bewilderment of those around them)” trope is still one of the best tropes of all time.

i just left my job. i couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.

what did he say

“you’re fired”

why do text posts these days sound like vaudeville humor