It's the rage, It's the pain, It's love, It's me.

So, I realised it’s been a while since I was active on Tumblr. Like proper active, I’m talking about 10 years give it or take, and today I felt the urge to write somewhere, freely, without fear of being judged and the only place that felt this safe was Tumblr. This is where I could be myself when I was a scared 18 years old.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky enough to have an amazing girlfriend who supports me and loves me, and I have friends I could reach out but you know when you feel miserable and in a pit of sadness and you don’t want to drag the people you love down there? Yeah.

So they offer you their support and you appreciate it, but you also feel like a wounded dog who wants to hide and suffer alone and get better.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety a lot recently, years of running nonstop and avoiding feeling myself, always busy af around London, never enough time to think. And then the pandemic happened and after the isolation, when we got out again, the anxiety grew but I sort of felt better in a way? Like stable enough to start dating again (that’s when I met my gf), to maybe open up myself again. We always pay the price of people who didn’t know how to treat us better.

What I didn’t realise was that I opened a Pandora’s box, all the worries, the fears, the sadness, all the tears I hadn’t cried in 10 years of running the busy life in London, they all caught up with me.

Now I cry almost every day, my soul exhausted by all the adapting of the last 2 years. I was so deep into survival mode that I didn’t realise I was running on reserve and now the energy is out. So now I feel all of it, no more running away. And so I cry, cause I’m wounded and I feel the pain.

It’s gonna get better, I want it to get better. Therapy is helping, I’m one of the lucky ones that can afford a session now and then.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this here, but I did and it felt a safe space to do it. Tumblr will always be the place I’ll feel safe enough to share my deepest thoughts.

To whoever out there struggling with depression, anxiety, mental health. I feel you, I know it’s not easy. You’re not alone, and I hope you find the strength to stand up again, step by step.

It can get better and I hope you get there.

I walked through the shades of myself and I found two eyes staring back at me: green screens cracked by brown lines, light coming out like suns. 

I walked through the shades of myself and I found you, cold hearted, past sorrow laying on your sight. Tho, you smiled to me; I’ve never felt so much love and loneliness. I wanted you so hard. You were me and I was you, so I made a choice: because you’re mine, I walk the line.