So, I realised it’s been a while since I was active on Tumblr. Like proper active, I’m talking about 10 years give it or take, and today I felt the urge to write somewhere, freely, without fear of being judged and the only place that felt this safe was Tumblr. This is where I could be myself when I was a scared 18 years old.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky enough to have an amazing girlfriend who supports me and loves me, and I have friends I could reach out but you know when you feel miserable and in a pit of sadness and you don’t want to drag the people you love down there? Yeah.

So they offer you their support and you appreciate it, but you also feel like a wounded dog who wants to hide and suffer alone and get better.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety a lot recently, years of running nonstop and avoiding feeling myself, always busy af around London, never enough time to think. And then the pandemic happened and after the isolation, when we got out again, the anxiety grew but I sort of felt better in a way? Like stable enough to start dating again (that’s when I met my gf), to maybe open up myself again. We always pay the price of people who didn’t know how to treat us better.

What I didn’t realise was that I opened a Pandora’s box, all the worries, the fears, the sadness, all the tears I hadn’t cried in 10 years of running the busy life in London, they all caught up with me.

Now I cry almost every day, my soul exhausted by all the adapting of the last 2 years. I was so deep into survival mode that I didn’t realise I was running on reserve and now the energy is out. So now I feel all of it, no more running away. And so I cry, cause I’m wounded and I feel the pain.

It’s gonna get better, I want it to get better. Therapy is helping, I’m one of the lucky ones that can afford a session now and then.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this here, but I did and it felt a safe space to do it. Tumblr will always be the place I’ll feel safe enough to share my deepest thoughts.

To whoever out there struggling with depression, anxiety, mental health. I feel you, I know it’s not easy. You’re not alone, and I hope you find the strength to stand up again, step by step.

It can get better and I hope you get there.

Glad for the view.

The limbo

It's that feeling of not belonging anymore.

You come back and you're a completely new, different person; you feel the same but everything has irremediably changed and your puzzle piece just doesn't fit anymore in that big picture.

You belong to a different reality, a different set of pieces.

And it's sad, because it's where you grew up, where you used to belong.

You feel stuck in this limbo made of memories and new feelings and you don't know what to do.

So you're left with the certainty that you used to feel good there but not anymore, it's just not good enough and you taste the bittersweet reality of knowing that things will never be as they used to.