Many of us don’t realize that in striving for ultra independence we are feeding our fears and moving away from love.

Our culture over identifies with “independence and freedom”, but what we fail to recognize is that to thrive, we need each other.

Ultra independence often develops when things weren’t secure or safe in our first family.

It could be that we were consistently let down as children, that we were on the receiving end of blame and criticism, or that secrecy ruled our home environment.

It could be that addiction or abuse was kept hidden, or that pride ruled the home and we were taught to project an image of perfection to the outside world.

Some of us never experienced a healthy dynamic in which we were free to be ourselves while also being in relationship.

Many of us learned early that in order to maintain love and connection, we had to sacrifice some part of ourselves.

If this is how we grew up, then it makes sense that as adults, learning to commit to a relationship without losing ourselves would be extra challenging.

As much as we may want love and connection, our nervous systems are wired to pull away, and our minds run a story that in order to maintain our identity, we need to do it all on our own.

But as human beings we are not designed to do it alone. We are wired for touch, connection, and interdependence.

It’s actually healthy to rely and depend on others, not for our happiness or total emotional fulfillment - but in a grounded and balanced way.

Our ancestors wouldn’t have survived without each other. They relied on one another for shelter, food, protection and warmth. Everyone worked together to thrive.

We’ve lost touch with what it means to be human and we are slowly healing our generational trauma that has cut us off from truth.

We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship. We are relearning how to be in relationship with each other and the world around us.

We exist in an intricate and interdependent system. Whether we see it or not, we need each other more than ever.

Words @sheleanaaiyana

For those of us who grew up in unsafe homes, homes with mixed signals, emotional manipulation or early childhood trauma - adult relationships can feel really confusing.

It is in our first family where we learn what is normal and acceptable in relationship.

If what was modelled for us is really just generational and ancestral trauma being passed down - then as we embark on finding love, we may end up in relationships that mirror that.

Learning how to create healthy, beautiful love doesn’t come out of nowhere. It is something we learn, something we have to work at.

It requires us to slow down and take inventory of what we really learned about love and connection, so we can consciously navigate our attractions rather than being completely unaware of what our unconscious is drawn to.

Questions to reflect on in your journal: . When I was growing up, my parents relationship was: . When I was growing up, if I did something that my parents didn’t approve of, the result was: . If my parents were angry at me, they would: . If I was angry, my parents would: . The emotions that were most commonly expressed in my household were: . On a scale of 1-10, how safe did you feel to express your fears or vulnerabilities at home? . When there was conflict in your home, what was that like? (Was there violence, shouting, passive aggression, avoidance, calm discussion, curiosity?) . There are just a few to get you started. We dive DEEP into this work in our Heal Your Relationships program, the next cohort begins in January with 8-weeks of online group support from our coaches and therapists. . Words @sheleanaaiyana