Anyone else dealing with passive self-hatred? Like I don’t actually hate myself - in fact I even think that I am pretty kick-ass, if I might say so myself. But for some reason I always manipulate myself into not receiving the happiness that I could receive.
Simple example: There is a fanfiction that made me SO happy because it helped me heal from an open-ending to a show but just when I finished about 80% of it, I dropped it. Not because I didn’t like it. I loved it in fact! I just didn’t want to have the clarity of a new definite ending so instead I abbandoned it, never knowing what will eventually happen.
Same thing with friendships. Those that I love the most are the ones I never reach out to.
It’s like I don’t want to be happy but I do and it pisses me off.
I know it’s probably the abbandonment issues but I am honestly very much over them (conciously) I just can’t seem to get over it SUBconciously. Like my brain won’t catch up to the fact that my actions are bullshit.
God no wonder I used to have such an internal anger at Aziraphale during the whole second season of Good Omens (please don’t hit me, I’ve changed, he’s a sweetheart who made a mistake, I see that now), I am literally him and that’s what pisses me off. We are not bad people but we are certainly flawed people.