lady-fey reblogged

Don’t Mix Thoughts and Dialogue

During a bit of dialogue, it can be incredibly tempting to give your reader a glimpse of what the characters are thinking. This is a trap. Don’t do it.

Why?

Well, the best way to explain this is to just give you a quick example.

Mary laughed, her eyes sparkling. “Hey, do you remember that night with Jimmy and the cat?” Ryan smiled, his mind drifting back over the long years of their friendship. That they would still be so close after all this time was truly a gift. Yet a part of him still asked ‘what if?’ What if they were meant to be something other than friends? Could that every happen or was he being greedy? Risking something beautiful for so little gain. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. Then he smiled and said, “Yeah, I still don’t know where he got it!”

Question: when you got to Ryan’s response, did you remember what Mary said or did you have to glance back up to jog your memory? If you glanced back up, then don’t feel bad! You are completely normal and that’s why this is a technique that you should use sparingly.

When we’re reading, our brains are constantly processing new information. It’s basically an ongoing memory game! If you’ve ever played one of those, then you know that it can be quite tricky to recall which picture is hiding under which card or what objects were on the now-hidden tray. However, we can always pick up the card or reveal the tray to remind ourselves of the answer. Similarly, we can always glanced back up the page and reread the previous line, but a story isn’t a game. Most writers want their audience to be fully immersed in the scene. Their eyes should travel down the page, following the flow of the words, never needing to look back at what was said three paragraphs ago.

You’re never going to be able to make your audience remember everything that you wrote. There are just too many words in the story. That’s why, when you’re writing dialogue, you want to keep all of the surrounding text related to the dialogue. Don’t let your characters go off on tangents like Ryan did because then your audience’s brain will switch to this new topic and forget the old one the same way that a verbal tangent will lead to someone asking, “Hey, wait, what were we talking about?”

I get the temptation to do the thought thing. It can give some really fun insight into a character. I will do it myself in early drafts. Then, upon rereading, I’ll realize that I switched focus from the dialogue and, as much as I like sharing my character’s thoughts, dialogue just isn’t the place to do it. If you’re including dialogue, the point is usually the interactions between the characters, not their deep, individual thoughts.

In this case of the above, Ryan’s thoughts needed to wait until after the conversation was over OR I should have introduced this topic earlier so that I could briefly hint at Ryan’s feelings with something like:

Mary laughed, the sound making Ryan's traitorous heart skip a beat. Then she asked, “Hey, do you remember that night with Jimmy and the cat?” “Yeah, I still don’t know where he got it!” Ryan said, gazing at her with melancholy fondness. “Did he ever tell you?”

This is not to say that you can never do the thought thing. You can. Just be aware that it's dragging your audience away from the dialogue and they will likely forget the details of what was being discussed, making it a not-so-great techniquie.

The only time when I’d do that is when I want the character to forget the conversation, too. Then I can bring the character and the audience back to the discussion in a natural way.

I’ll also note that readers do remember things long after they happen. It’s just that what tends to stick are the big, important details (ex: Alim was murdered) or the things that get repeated constantly (ex: the suspect list that the detectives go over after every new clue). Dialogue tends to be largely forgettable as the point is rarely the specific words, which is why breaking a conversation is so jarring.

cljordan-imperium

Exception to this "rule" Mary laughed, the sound making Ryan's traitorous heart skip a beat. Then she asked, “Hey, do you remember that night with Jimmy and the cat?”

Ryan thought back to that night Jimmy had come in with the kitten looking like it had drowned in blue raspberry soda and smelling like Fanta. He had demanded everyone help him clean it up, sending several of them on errands to get supplies, food, and a collar. It had been after daylight before any of them had been able to get to sleep.

“Yeah, I still don’t know where he got it!” Ryan said, gazing at her with melancholy fondness. “Did he ever tell you?”

Blue - OP

Pink - ME

Thoughts are fine if they go along with the dialogue. I actually have now had two people send THIS POST to me in asks regarding a situation like the one above. Thoughts can provide historical context very nicely especially if it's something you referenced in a previous book, or several chapters prior that might have been a minor note that doesn't need a full explanation.

lady-fey

I didn't think to mention this exception in the original post, but it's absolutely true. If the thoughts are related to the dialogue, then yes, you can often get away with including them!

My advice for that is:

Remember that the focus of the scene is the dialogue and only include the thoughts that are necessary for the audience to follow along. The things we think while talking tend to be quick flashes, so that's how I tend to include moments like this. If it's something that's going to take paragraphs, bringing it up mid-dialogue is probably still the wrong way to do it even if it fits the conversation.
Try to limit this technique to dialogue where the audience needs to remember the topic, but not the words. The above example is just playing off of mine, so don't take this as criticism of the choice given here, but it is a prime example of a place where I'd rephrase Mary's comment or avoid adding thoughts because the audience might get confused since they need to remember Mary's question for Ryan's response to make sense. I'm going to redo it to show what I mean and hopefully it will be self-explanatory when you compare the two:

Mary laughed, the sound making Ryan's traitorous heart skip a beat. Then she said, “Gosh, every time I drink this soda, I think of that night with Jimmy and the cat!”

“That was a wild night! I still don’t know where he found the poor thing!” Ryan said, gazing at her with melancholy fondness. “Did he ever tell you?”

There might very well be other exceptions that I didn't think of, which is a good thing to keep in mind! Writing is about communicating. If you think that your story is clear, then it doesn't matter if you break every rule in the book because they're not really rules. They're more like guidelines or even just opinions.

Generally speaking, it's good to understand why writers give the advice they do instead of just following it blindly, which is why I try to focus on the why and don't just give guidelines. When you understand the why, then it's up to you to decide where and when a guideline can be ignored even if you generally agree with it. If you think that you've found an exception, then ignore the guideline and do what feels best to you! Writing is an art, not a science, and there are as many valid writing styles as there are styles of painting.

#writing advice #dialogue #flow #example #writing tips

lady-fey

Don't Break Up Action With Thoughts

One of the hardest things for a writer to do is to read their work with a reader's eyes. That's because you, the writer, know the full context for the story and the scene. So when something is presented in an odd order, it doesn't stand out to you because you already know the full thought. This leads to a relatively common mistake that reads fine on a second go-though, but reads terribly when someone is reading something for the first time. That mistake is breaking apart an action and inserting a thought in the middle.

Bad Version

He reached out, nervous to see if she'd accept his offer, and placed his hand into hers

Good Version

He reached out and placed his hand into hers, nervous to see if she'd accept his offer

The good version is how you should almost always phrase these action pieces. Give the full action, then give the thought.

You do this because you want the scene to flow, which is a fancy way of saying that the reader should be engaged in the story from start to finish. When you break apart action like this, it's jarring for a reader because they see the thought "nervous to see if she'd accept his offer" and think "what offer?" Then they get to "and placed his hand into hers" and go "oh, okay, his hand was the offer".

You don't want a reader to do that. They should only be asking questions about things like the plot and what's going to happen next. This is not the type of question. It's confusion with basic action in your scene, which is a bad thing. Keep things in the "good version" structure and the reader doesn't have to actively think about how the action and the thought go together. They can just keep reading because things are in the logical order. You're giving the action and then the reason for the action, which is how things should be. Alternatively, give the reason and then show the action.

Other Good Version

He had to know if she'd forgiven him, but he knew that she wasn't ready to talk. After taking a deep breath, he carefully reached out, placing his hand in hers in a silent question.

Whichever suits your style! Just be kind to your readers and avoid the bad version. I promise, it will improve the way your scenes read.

#writing advice #flow

lady-fey

Hello, Here’s My Life Story!

When you meet new people, you don’t bombard them with unnecessary personal information. People who do that are considered weird in the bad way and the same goes for your characters. You’ve got a whole story to show us who they are. Keep the opening simple and, more importantly, keep it interesting. Make your readers want to know more. Make them ask who is this person?

Essentially, don’t do this:

Despite living there for almost two years, Eric had never been to the roof before. Mostly because he was so rarely home and he had no desire to meet new people. He was perfectly happy with his current circle of friends. There was James, who he’d grown up with and was more of a brother than a best friend, Sam, who’d become a friend after the third semester of on-too-many shared classes, and Maggie, who’d almost become more than a friend, but then she’s met Mark and there was no way he was messing up a couple that perfect.

Why are you talking about Eric’s friends? Are they at all relevant to the opening scene? No, what’s relevant is Eric and why he’s going to the roof so stop talking about people who may not even show up and focus on getting your readers interested in Eric and the story he’s part of.

Eric had never been to the roof before. Admittedly that was probably true for most people. When you hear “apartment building” and “rooftop access” there’s usually a “restricted” thrown in there.

Example 2:

James clutched his book under his arm as he pulled open the coffee shop’s door. He didn’t often buy coffee – the apartment he and his brother shared had a perfectly adequate coffee maker that didn’t charge them more than their combined hourly salary for a cup – but today was turning out to be a particularly crummy day, and he was going to need something if he was going to make it though. Plus it had just started raining as they had gotten off the bus, and the warm coffee shop was just as good a place as any to wait out the downpour.

This one has better writing and you might have genuinely enjoyed reading that, but I doubt you care that it ends there. I haven’t made you want to see what happens next and that’s what stories are supposed to do. Here’s another take:

“That can’t be right.”

“What?”

James pointed at the menu while treating his brother to an appropriately horrified look, “Sixteen dollars for a cup of coffee? That can’t be legal.”

Alex scanned the prices and sighed, “This is what we get for trying to buy coffee in Manhattan. Come on, let’s go.”

“No way. I’m curious now. I wanna try it.”

"Oh no, not this again. We do not have room in the budget for your curiosity.”

#examples #writing advice #flow #introductions

lady-fey

Unnecessary Exposition: Are Those Details Actually Needed?

The vast majority of the time, you don’t need to add all of the backstory. Readers are smart, they can figure it out. To expand, let’s look at an example:

There was a coffee mug on the counter.

This, in and of itself, was not an altogether unusual occurrence given the way that the team worshiped coffee with a cult-like reverence. The thing that stood out was the mug itself. Firstly because it was unused, which was just bizarre. Secondly…

“Why is there a skull on the counter?”

Ethan looked up from his paper, took in the scene, and then shrugged. “Rory left it there after her run. Said something about replacing the one she broke?”

Lucas sighed and glanced back down at the mug. “Is she still stuck on that?”

It had been an accident; Rory obviously hadn’t meant to douse Lucas in coffee at two in the morning. It was arguably even his fault, if fault had to be assigned. Lucas had been the one focusing on his tablet instead of his surroundings. Rory had just been leaning against the counter, watching, too tired to register that Lucas was aiming straight for her feet.

Lucas frowned at the memory while Ethan returned to his paper with a muttered, “How should I know?”

The bold-ed part isn’t horrible. I actually kind-of like it, but looking at this scene, what does it actually add? Alternatively, if we took it out, what would we be missing?

In this case, the answer to both questions is the same: some minor details that having no bearing on the overall plot.

The same could be said for lots of little moments in our stories, though, so why am I recommending that you cut it?

Because it interrupts the flow of the scene.

When reading scenes like this one - especially if the flashback’s a little longer - readers can lose track of the original scene and have to mentally backtrack when the flashback is over. It’s a jarring experience and not one that you want to give your readers unless it the plot truly requires it.

When you’re thinking of adding scenes such as this one, try to ask yourself those questions from before: what does this add and what would be missing if I took it out? Does the reader NEED to know the exact details of how the coffee mug broke or will they be fine just knowing that a coffee mug broke and Lucas clearly isn’t upset about it?

#flow #writing advice