Resolve

Trigger Warning:  suicide, depression/bipolar, PTSD, self-harm, assault. It’s not graphic but if that mindset is going to upset you, please keep scrolling.

2017 was the worst year of my life, and I had thought nothing could take that title away from 2000/2001. My relationship of seven years is over. I have poured love and energy into friends in need who have given so little back to me when I desperately needed them, over and over. I was assaulted. I was sick. I was dead broke. I was close to homeless, staying with compassionate relatives. I wanted to die every single day of 2017 and I tried to make it happen twice.

I tried to stop hating and abusing my body and I couldn’t. I tried to stop hating and abusing myself as a person and I couldn’t. I tried to stop hating all the traumas and bad decisions that brought me to this point and I couldn’t.

“What’s your New Year’s resolution?”

I’ve never done that shit. Because it’s just an arbitrary boundary we draw in time. It’s just the day after today. And I’ve never been good at resolve anyway.

I resolve to keep going at least one more night, so that I can see that the worst fucking year I ever had is officially behind me.

And just in case I keep going from there, here are some more:

-I will get some plants. I’ll start with something small I can care for indoors, and in the spring I’ll get in the dirt and sow as many herbs and veggies as I can. And chrysanthemums. And sunflowers.

-I will swallow my agoraphobia and all my excuses about the people I’m afraid to run into and get my ass to synagogue.

-I will stop being afraid of the word “witch.” I’m a witch. I was always a witch. It’s okay to be a witch. I don’t think other witches are crazy or stupid; it does not make me crazy or stupid.

-I will get my poor lonely tarot cards out of my altar-in-a-box and give them some exercise every day. I will continue to study and meditate on the symbolism of my different decks. And I’ll write that shit down.

-I will make strategies for self-care. I will try to hold myself to them. I will not take it out on myself if there are days when I can’t or don’t. That shit is counterproductive.

-I will write every day. Every. Single. Day. Something, anything.

-I have been good about eating every day. Great job! Keep it up, Me. Every week I will cook or bake one thing from a recipe I’ve been meaning to try. Even if it’s just a salad dressing.

-I have been good about writing my dreams down every morning. Great job! Keep it up, Me.

-I have been good about studying parshah each week. Great job! Keep it up, Me. I will write down my thoughts and impressions going forward.

See yourself out, 2017.