beep beep danger

So ok I feel like this one has to do with latte art. Like Viktor is a big-time latte artist, but when he fails to show up to a critical competition the russian government/his sponsors/the russian crime dairy family decide to rein him in and ““rein”“ in his distraction.

(In Viktor’s defense, it is a boy and have you seen his eyes????)

(In Yuuri’s defense he doesn’t even really like coffee?? He boils monsters when he wants his caffeine hot. This is a summer job and the whole latte art world championships thing was a fluke.)

My peak kpop time was 2011, anon! So I’ve never heard of that singer, but I agree that would be an amazing role for Yuuri on a reality show. I bet even without a reality show focused on his eating there’s probably plenty of 25min youtube compilations of his mouth to go around.

Sometime around Europeans, after Sochi, Viktor finds KATSUKI YUURI VS MAYO!! [1/5] and probably misses the banquet because of it. Yakov chews him out, but he’s still riding high on the third video, you know, the one where Yuuri gets that entire bag of fries and goes to town. Viktor convinces himself Yuuri moans his name in the middle part. (He actually does. FOOLS.)

Oh, feel free to send me prompts or things for my consideration whenever you like. If it turns into too much stuff I will ask for a break!

BUT THIS IS AN AMAZING IMAGE, THANK YOU FOR IT

I bet Yuuri licks a ring around the bagel to get at the cream cheese by itself at first and Viktor CAN’T FUNCTION because Yuuri is rimming that bagel and god he looks so blissed out while he’s doing it. Then Yuuri bites a quarter chunk out of it violently and begins to chew and Viktor’s train ride to bonertown is a very confused one.

Probably Yuuri mixes in mayonnaise with his cream cheese.

Probably Viktor does a little dance when it gets to the off season and he can bring Yuuri baskets full of carbs every morning to watch him spread creamayo cheese on them and lick it obscenely off.

This would be 5K of Yuuri fucking a donut. Probably donut AU, but not necessarily.

“Sloboda,” he says into the camera. There might be other people in the scene, but Natalya is not paying attention to them. “You can just eat it directly? Uh. I like it in salads too, and on fish.” His heavy accent is both Japanese and American at the same time. He sounds like he’s asking her a tentative question instead of trying to sell her mayonnaise.

The camera cuts to footage of him flying through the air on figure skates.

Natalya buys six packets of mayo when she next goes to the store. There is a little video display next to the condiments aisle. She has to fight a scrawny teenager to get the last packet. She wins.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE HEARD OF THEM (as a side note, clearly none of these people give very good presentations if the only time people clap afterwards is when they want the chairs put away, just sayin)

Yurio thinks he is the Jim to JJ’s Dwight, I can see it.

Meanwhile Viktor is Yuuri’s loving trophy husband who stays home and looks after their children - the nanny properly takes care of them, but Viktor watches them with love in his eyes!! - and sometimes takes contract work. Viktor buys himself nice suits so he can look good for Yuuri when they go to company events. “This is a summer picnic Viktor oh my god is that couture,” Yuuri says. Viktor holds the tub of potato salad the nanny showed him how to make close. He just wanted everyone to know how Yuuri keeps him in a level of comfort he has come to enjoy!!

Yuuri still lets Viktor spoon-feed him potato salad while they watch their children and dogs run through the sprinklers because he is a good husband.

“You have to add the mayonnaise first,” Yuuri says, “before you add the water.”

They are standing in the kitchenette, Yuuri showing Viktor how to make cup ramen even though it is two hours past lunch and they should both be sitting in a budget meeting. Viktor nods and smiles and nudges Yuuri’s shoulder with his own as he takes pictures of the styrofoam cup and clear plastic tube with his phone.

Viktor hisses when the dollop of vanilla ice cream lands with a plop on his left pectoral. “Cold,” he mumbles as the lurid red crumbles follow it.

Yuuri doesn’t say anything when his tongue follows the crumbles, but that’s just as well.

HAH this is perfect but SWEET CUBICLE GODS WHY

also JAPAN HAS THEIR OWN VERSION and now that i know there is a place known as the ‘garlic capital of japan’, headcanon forever that yuuri and viktor go there for sightseeing (yuuri’s explanation) / a hot date (viktor’s explanation).

I did not know about that prank, but what you have just written is factually correct.

What if Yuuri accidentally becomes a Russian hero in his own right after Viktor nudges him into doing an ad for Sloboda? He downs an entire packet like it’s the nectar of the ice gods and not spoiling egg paste. He’s already a meme because of his spectacular falls and all the times he’s cried and his resting bitch face. (Well, those things with Phichit’s judicious application at the right websites at the right hours of the day turned him into a meme, otherwise his glory may have been lost to the sands of internet time.)

He’s already disliked in Russia for taking Viktor away.

But then the ad campaign becomes popular.

And then the Katsuki Challenge surfaces from somewhere. Russian teenagers post videos of doing mayo shots. Russian grandmothers post videos of doing mayo shots.

The country sits up a bit.

They notice how Yuuri brought Viktor back to them. How Viktor’s doing the best they’ve seen him in so many years. Sure, there are the fans that will always hate Yuuri for one reason or another. But on the whole, the nation starts to love him.

The ISU and the FFKKR have to issue a joint statement banning jars from rinks and stadiums because so many Russian fans begin to throw them at the ice after Yuuri skates. It causes long delays as the ice has to be resurfaced from the damage. Russian fans get around the ban by slathering mayonnaise on other things to throw to Yuuri: dumplings, underwear, herring, pizza.

A story starts to circulate about Viktor being jealous of all this attention. (He hasn’t had to share the spotlight in years. He’s used to being alone at the top.)

Yuuri thinks it’s absurd anyone really believes he’s a Russian hero. What. What?

Viktor thinks it’s absurd anyone really believes he is not thrilled to pieces that his country has taken to his fiance and loves him almost as much as Viktor does.

(Plus, now Viktor doesn’t have to pretend to have particular fondness for mayonnaise, because Yuuri eats every bit of it that winds up in their house.)

Vampire Viktor is torn between loving that Yuuri can eat things and digest them because he’s alive, and being horrified at the things Yuuri eats and digests and digests without dying. That is something he and Mari bond over, actually.

No one should put mayonnaise in boba.

Or they should at least have the decency to blend it, and not layer it like some kind of trifle from hell. And Viktor would know from hell because he’s an undead monster. (Mari just has really good taste.)

And yet they both love him. So Mari brings him mayo bubble tea when he’s in the library, and Viktor sprinkles his ice cream with those little dried shrimps and pickles. When Yuuri smiles at them it makes it all worth it.