Can I forget about the donut AU because I would really genuinely like to forget about the donut AU.
H A H
lavenderprose said: HEY HASN’T IT BEEN ABOUT TEN SECONDS SINCE WE LOOKED AT OUR LEMON TREE.
lavenderprose said: FRUITFUL LEMONY LEMONS
YOU COME INTO MY POST AND TAUNT ME WITH ALL THE LEMON-BASED PORN I HAVEN’T SEEN!!!!
rainywithachanceofstars said: ok no look it is ONLY THE INTRO so no one’s actually naked even. it got popular on tumblr a few years back because of how bad the acting is and how nonsensical the script is (even more so than for most porn, apparently). youtube.com/watch?v…
WELL NOW I’VE SEEN IT HAH
SIZE DIFFERENCE GIVES ME ALL THE JOLLIES. ALL OF THEM.
Yuuri doesn’t make a habit of looking at himself in the mirror unless he already knows he isn’t going to like what he sees. It’s a mechanism that’s proved useful in his life. Necessary. Depressing.
It’s a month after Worlds and the edges of his hips are already beginning to round out over his waistband. He really thought it wasn’t going to happen this time. He hasn’t been binge eating. He hasn’t turned himself into a disgrace. He - he looks down at his right hand - he’s happy.
Viktor catches him like this after his shower, striding out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam and impossible grace. Yuuri has married a real life model. He has had fantasies just like this before, except in those fantasies he was always in peak condition and wearing six gold medals draped around his neck.
“What’s wrong?” Viktor asks, coming up behind Yuuri to join him at the mirror.
A year before Yuuri would have said ‘nothing’ or, ‘V-viktor? what are you doing in my bathroom?!’ Now Yuuri says, “the victory katsudon are catching up to me,” ruefully. He jabs at his softening belly. He huffs in sharp disappointment.
Viktor blinks at their reflection before peering down over Yuuri’s shoulder to look at Yuuri’s stomach directly. His arms come around Yuuri’s waist to cage him in, to rest on his hips. “You do feel like a winner,” he says, which doesn’t mean anything.
(It still means something, Yuuri has had these fantasies too.)
“I won’t be anymore if I don’t get back to competition weight.”
“Why?”
Yuuri stares at the mirror. His previous summer in Hasetsu comes back to him in a sped up memory, a flurry of training montages and cutting remarks. Why? It should be obvious why. He says as much. He says more.
“I thought you liked me when I was smaller than you best.” Yuuri of last year definitely would not have said that. Yuuri of last month definitely would not have said that. Yuuri of now still can’t quite believe he said that.
Viktor breathes in sharply, then brings his hands up to join Yuuri’s on his stomach. He presses, gently but firmly. He’s still looking down over Yuuri’s shoulder, a heavy weight on Yuuri’s back.
“I thought I liked you when you surprise me best,” Viktor says, “but you’re surprising me now and I don’t like it at all.”
They stand in front of the mirror. Yuuri silently counts the stretch marks that run like cobwebs down his hips to his thighs.
“I like you when you’re with me best,” Viktor finally decides on. “When you’re not with me second best.” And then, “we both have training to do, but it can wait. It’s only June.”
He kisses the side of Yuuri’s neck and saunters away, chatting about setting another Onsen on Ice since the last one was so much fun, about doing another pair skate, about putting Yuuri in even more mesh this time.
He’s being an awful coach right now. Yuuri loves him for it.
#ask response#lavenderprose#SIZE DIFFERENCE!!!#is he being an awful coach? i have no idea i am not a coach. yuuri thinks he is.#in the words of a fic i read once 'as long as viktor has a face yuuri will always have a place to sit'#the mesh would spell out WORLD CHAMPION in six languages#there would be a reflective arrow on yuuri's right arm pointing down to his ring#yoi#fic#consider this a companion piece to that other one from yesterday
kixboxer reblogged
cafecliche said: “#at some point along the line i decided most of the monstrous things involve mayo somehow” So one of the many things I love about Japanese is that there is an actual word for someone who puts mayo on everything: “mayoraa.” And yes there is no way that Yuuri is not a mayoraa.
Someone asked me a bit ago for the worst 5 things Yuuri has eaten. I have put it off because it seemed presumptuous that a mere mortal such as myself could ever truly know the full extent of the terrible and wonderful(ly terrible) things he has put inside his mouth. But now I think I will make an attempt by groupings.
One of the groupings will be mayonnaise.
Full disclosure: I know the word because I, too, am a mayoraa.
1) More for you! 2) this is all amazing and canon to me now
lavenderprose said: ok but no here’s the thing if Yuuri spent ANY amount of time in the midwest he would definitely 100% develope this weird condition we have here, it’s like an illness, were we put ranch dressing on l i t e r a l l y everything. And like most people I know are weirdly protective over their ranch recipe. Like, I’m one of those people. I’m just saying. If there’s a mayo category, it has to include all the weird shit Yuuri has put RANCH on.
My first instinct is to say this is not a cheerocracy as a way to get you to write it yourself and thereby produce more things for me to read, but I will take it under advisement!
My second instinct is to make this a sharing circle and say that I put bbq sauce on almost everything, but that is normal so it pales in comparison.
#when you want to buhyoo at someone but this is not that fandom anymore and no one will know what you mean#another one of the categories is ofc going to be butter#and then i'm thinking another would be sheer volume so that is up to three#maybe i should just have a condiments category with a special feature for mayo hm#response!#cafecliche#lavenderprose#let's see how many yuuri eating his feelings tags i can accumulate!!!#as a kid i would put bbq sauce on white rice and just eat it like that#but again eating bbq sauce is very normal#yoi
Am I now doomed to think about Viktor getting completely and totally wet for garlic bread?? Like why is it my punishment on the mortal coil to be constantly reminded that in some alternate universe out there, Viktor Nikiforov is a 1000+ year old undead vampire who has to cross his legs at the first whiff of garlic, whose fingers steeple into the fabric of any given seat when Yuuri says, "I could really go for some Italian food." Why is this my lot in life and why do I like it.
Welcome to the Jungle. : )
Probs because in that same universe Viktor Nikiforov is a 1000 year old undead fucking masochist vampire who routinely watches the love of his death sloppily eat garlic bread and wipe garlic butter all over his neck and wrists and only learns life, love, and jizzlepating again because of it.
(By which I mean yes, yes you are. Think about Yuuri slathering an unmelted stripe from his ear, across his clavicle, down his chest. Think about him doing this with his glasses slipping down his nose while chewing the bread right out of the bag, unheated, because he’s a sloppy trashbag and he kind of likes it better that way. Think about Viktor passing out because he gets a stiffy too many days after he lasts replenishes his blood supply - UGH DISGUSTING HOW DOES ANYONE THINK VAMPIRES ARE SEXY - so all the actual literal facts blood in his body goes to his dick and he hits his head on the table on his way down. Think about Viktor brushing a lock of hair back behind Yuuri’s ear a few hours later and remembering about the butter when he feels the burn and passing out again. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING ANYMORE.)
(Also I never asked if you ever ate that garlic bread you had in your house. Did you? How was it?)
#ask response#lavenderprose#fucking vampire AUs#i mean when i think about it more where the blood is probably doesn't matter#because viktor is a vampire and vampires are dead what does anything matter time is meaningless#i spent a little time this morning thinking about how great of a word jizzlepating is#i'm happy to get to use it today#fic#yoi#fuck#vampire viktor with his garlic butter fetish and his lacy parasol and his little packet of wet wipes
I'M SO FUCKING READY FOR CUBE3
REALLY???? THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY TO HEAR!! writing it has been frustrating, but i still love the universe a lot.
kixboxer reblogged
There is garlic bread in my house right now and i can’t even enjoy it properly because all I can think about is Viktor “Garlic Bread Dick” Nikiforov what have you done to me @kixboxer
Vampire Viktor’s Garlic Butter Fetish brings me the sort of pure, unfettered joy other people get from idk watching puppies play soccer. I am so pleased it has weaseled its way into your subconscious in a way you will never forget when you are trying to put delicious garlicky buttery goodness in your mouth.
give in, @lavenderprose. put that bread in your mouth and think about Viktor putting his dick in it.
#lavenderprose#vampire viktor with his garlic butter fetish and his lacy parasol and his little packet of wet wipes#I WILL NEVER STOP WITH THE VAMPIRE VIKTOR GARLIC BUTTER FETISH AS LONG AS YOU GET ME WRITING THESE I WILL INCLUDE IT#possibly my best contribution to this fandom. top five.#meanwhile i will think of#embarrassed but into it the katsuki yuuri story#oh no i shouldn't he says as he definitely does#in other news I FINISHED CUBE3!!!!! next up is don't salt the ice#in other other news i forgot to transfer my laundry to the dryer earlier bc THE BRONZE AU and now i'm wondering if i should just roll up in#my duvet cover and call it a night#dammit
I WAS NOT FUCKING AROUND WHEN I SAID THAT THING ABOUT YUURI AND PINCONNING CHEESE It is really fucking good cheese like i'm driving up north this summer and one of the things I'm looking most forward to is stopping in Pinconning (Where there is nothing but a cheese shop and a McDonalds, no shit) and buying cheese so like Yuuri would 300% definite mention The Best Cheese to Viktor and Viktor would 400% definitely get the love of his life an indecent amount of that good good curd
i had never heard of pinconning cheese before, but i find strength in yuuri eating a lot of it if it’s that good. would a farm there fall on hard times and yuuri find out about it and be like aw my favorite cheese was from there and then move on to the next news story on his phone? but meanwhile viktor, who is lying the opposite way on the couch to optimize space and also so he can have yuuri’s feet in his lap (the pervert), hears ‘one of yuuri’s favorite things besides me is going away????’ and then jump to the end and viktor now has the majority stake in a dairy farm in michigan and yuuri can never find out but he definitely finds out because viktor keeps giving him an improbable amount of cheese with the same packaging and also they have a joint bank account.
runespoor7 said: we know Yuuri gets really flustered looking at the artistically bared neck of Viktor Nikiforov, Actual Erotic Etching, if that fits the bill…
YES BUT CRAVATS! I NEED FANDOM TO GIVE ME BOTH!
dadvans said: fetish OBVS???? obvs.
why are you so scandalized over yuuri showing his ankles, someone asks viktor - not chris because chris already understands - this is the year of our quad flip 2k17 not the 1800s. and viktor would answer but at that moment the LIGHT OF HIS DREAMS chooses to walk by all cuff-bottomed jeans and shoes without socks like ey boy sup. (actually yuuri doesn’t say anything it is not noon yet and he is very tired, but he has to be feeling it somewhere inside so viktor is just extrapolating.)
lavenderprose said: Yuuri 100% knows about Viktor’s Foot Thing and is constantly and ruthlessly taking advantage.
i feel they have made agreements to the effect that viktor would like to be constantly and ruthlessly taken advantage of re: yuuri’s feet/ankles. their safeword is jj.
fireblazie said: i still say it looks like you’ve got it all figured out so you might as well write it
but i want someone to do it for me instead D :
these old bones are tired and trying to finish something else!!! progress is very slow because i keep getting distracted by all this glorious new information!!!
viiranen said: my cool senpais talking about that thing i mentioned is the coolest thing to happen to me, please write this on my gravestone
shoosh we are all trash together. that or the others are compost or recycling but I AT LEAST am still trash.
#response!#runespoor7#dadvans#lavenderprose#macaron#viiranen#how big can i take this trash metaphor#the foot thing was on my dash a bunch today you're welcome#the ankle is yuuri's eggplant emoji#viktor being TANTALIZED by japan's ace skater's feet/ankles while at competitions would be such a great AU#rivals AUs are normally not my jam but i could see that turning it towards being my jam#viktor watching yuuri go by at world's like CHRIS I AM SO SHOOK#because their competition is already restoring parts of himself he is ABLE to be shook it is amazing#and they all medal and vicchan is still alive and idk yuuri has NO IDEA FOR AT LEAST A WHOLE SEASON#that he is doing THINGS to the great viktor nikiforov by skating on the same ice as him#but also just by WALKING AROUND on the same ice as him#and then the world team trophy happens and he DOES IT ON PURPOSE just to see and viktor idk is walking around in his skate guards#and sees him and falls down yuzuru hanyu style and chris shows the video on loop at viktor and yuuri's wedding#yoi
Viktor and Yuuri have many dogs over their long and happy years together, sometimes more than one at once, but one dog under their roof is always horrorterror Makkachin (Now known as Horrorterror Zoya, or horrorterror Taro) When Yuuri and Viktor die peacefully in their sleep on the same night at the ripe old ages of 93 and 97, nobody has any idea that it's an act of kindness from the demon they've loved for so long. The horrorterror known as Michi knew one wouldn't live long without the other.
!!!
Several things punched me in the throat on reading this:
1) THE AGELESS HELLSPAWN OF FIRE AND DARKNESS KNOWN BRIEFLY AS MAKKACHIN, THE SMARTEST DOG, LOVES VIKTOR NIKIFOROV SO GODDAMN MUCH IT REFUSES TO LEAVE HIM. It recognizes there is a time limit on its fluffy body, but it can’t go back. It cannot bring itself to go back home to the abyss, because if it did Viktor would not have it and it would not have Viktor and that is unacceptable.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HIT ME WHERE IT HURTS
2) HAH but what if everybody’s either too intimidated by Viktor or too much of a shithead (YURIO) to tell him that NORMAL dogs don’t live for 30 years? 40? How old is Makkachin again….? After 50 years everyone assumes it can’t be the same dog, like, he’s gotta be buying rescue poodles and renaming them Makkachin in tribute to his long gone BEST FRIEND FIRST FRIEND.
Yuuri knows it’s the same dog. Yuuri also does his best to Not Think About it, because if he thinks about it too hard and Makkachin dies as a result he will probably eat so many sadness burgers he too will die from a burst stomach (and also heart).
3) The image of Makkachin watching Yuuri breathe his last shaky breath in the middle of the night, in his sleep, in peace. The image of Viktor lying next to him, frail, nearly bald (jk totally bald), but still breathing. The image of Makkachin hopping up onto the bed and flopping down onto Viktor’s face, directly over his nose and mouth. The image of Viktor being smothered to death in a mercy killing by his own fluffy precious hell beast.
The terror formerly, briefly known as Makkachin leads them over to the other side.